Olympus Got Talent!
by Owlion12
Summary: "You could have taken my seat of power, kept your wife forever or even become supreme Lord of the Universe, but instead, you're making us do a talent show!" In the sequel to 14 Gods Around the World, gods and demigods alike find themselves in a logic questionning, sanity bending, ice cold Canada as they answer the biggest question of all time... Who is the most fabulous Olympian?
1. Olympus Got Context!

**We have already started publishing this fanfiction, but, since it is a sequel, we don't want to hinder anyone from reading it. So, if you don't want to read the first part of this story, _14 Gods Around the World_, we decided to write this for clarification of the past events leading up to _Olympus Got Talent!_ to fill the audience in!**

**This is told in the form of a video message that covers most of the basics, but we still highly recommend you read _14 Gods Around the World_ to catch up! More details on the bottom Author's Note, but we think this will be helpful for anyone jumping new into this!**

**The original first chapter of _Olympus Got Talent!_ remains uneditted and in the same format as when we first uploaded it, so any returning readers will be able to reread the same material alongside this added bit, which takes place only moments before the events of chapter one!**

**Read on and enjoy what you could call our way of ending The Blood of Olympus!**

**DISCLAIMER: Octavian. Just... Octavian! We are not Rick Riordan!**

* * *

"When we last saw our heroes-"

"Hermes, cut the crap and just talk about what's going on."

"Okay, fine. Geez, you don't have to be so mean, Athena-"

"Hermes, listen to your sister."

"Alright, alright!" Hermes grumbled a few inaudible curse words in Greek as the camera shook.

"I heard that, mister!" Hera called. The camera shook as there was more arguing in Greek. The screen shifted from Hermes' chest to Hera's face as she held the camera. "Hello, gods, goddesses and stray demigods alike," she began. "This is Hera, your queen, and I have a very important announcement for you. We have destroyed America. No, don't close down yet, let me explain. You see, Zeus decided we should move and sent the Olympians, including Hades and Hestia, around the globe in search of a place fit for us to live. Why he did this? I don't know, but clearly the fool was bored and wanted to have some time away from me. I don't blame him." Off screen, someone yelled at Hera. She sighed. "Yes, Ares, I will get to the part about the Roman terrorists in Antarctica, be patient. Most of us arrived back within three hours. However, there was a problem. Due to some godly incidents, Hestia destroyed America. Now, we are currently relocating to Ontario, the capital city of Canada, possibly for few months."

"The capital is Ottawa and Ontario is a province. We're going to Toronto."

"Shut up, Athena. Speaking of Athena, she is currently typing a document attached to this email containing all you will need to know about what happened over the past three hours, how to survive until you reach the address attached and explaining all this madness with Hestia-"

"And the terrorists!" Hera's face grew red.

"Ares, for the final time, Athena is adding that into the document!" Hera yelled, turning her head the opposite direction. "One moment." She said, setting the camera down. There was more yelling as Zeus picked up the camera.

"We are relocating to Canada until America is strong enough to support us again. Please remain calm and be aware that the mortals have no idea what is- Who forgot to charge the battery-" Black out. Zeus sighed and shut his eyes. "Athena, let's go." he groaned, rising from his seat in the lobby of the CN Tower. Athena shut her laptop in frustration and sniffled.

"Oh, Athena, did you catch a cold?" Hestia asked, petting the lion cub on her lap. Athena nodded.

"I might try making something for it later, but... Ugh... my head feels awful." The lion on Hestia's lap mewed and hooked his claw into Athena's skirt.

"No, Mr. Fluff! That's Athena's! You keep your paws off of everyone's things, especially Hera's! She's a nice person, most of the time, but she has allergies to lions!" Hestia cooed, pulling Mr. Fluff's claws away.

"Hestia, what in the name of Mother Rhea are we going to do with an immortal lion?" Poseidon asked, petting him on the head. "How am I supposed to tell Chiron about all of this? And my wife... Oh, Amphy's gonna kill me..." He groaned and buried his head in his hands. Apollo patted his back.

"It'll be alright, Uncle Popo." he said, trying to encourage Poseidon without the use of one of his fabulicious haikus. "Just think happy thoughts! Like... Like... Thursday Night! Remem ber our plans for Thursday Night?" A sly grin grew on Poseidon's face as his eyes rose to meet Zeus', who was also grinning like a little kid who had gotten away with stealing his brother's candy. Hestia sighed and continued patting the Mr. Fluff until he leapt off and began to inspect the mountain of suit cases on the floor.

"Come along, Father." Athena said, pulling his arm toward the front desk. She held a bottle with a flaming stick, a file full of blue prints and a box containing a big red button. Zeus groaned and adjusted his tie, looking back to his wife for what he hoped would be a look of encouragement and sercurity. Wrong move. Hera was in the middle of giving Ares the noogie of his life while she held him in a chokcing position.

This was going to be a long day.

* * *

**So there you have it! We hope now that any new readers are almost completely filled in on what's going on, but we still highly encourage you read _14 Gods Around the World_, or at least the first and last two chapters, which also sum up the rest of the story.**

**In short...**

**Hestia is the cause of destruction in America and now owns a lion cub named Mr. Fluff she made immortal by accident in Africa.**

**The gods, which means the boys, have a special plan for Thursday Night. What could it be?**

**Hera and Ares encoutered some Roman terrorists in the Arctic who tried to blow up Camp Half-Blood, obviously led by Octavian, who is alive for the sake of us killing him off later!**

**Oh, and also, the gods kinda forgot that Hephaestus and Dionysus are still in South America... and are really, really drunk.**

**You may now turn the page for a full introduction to this story and ourselves!**


	2. Olympus Got Pilot!

**Heeeelloooooooo again!**

**After many long, hard days of enduring high school, lots of homework and The Blood of Olympus...**

**We are finally publishing this! Yay!**

**So, for anyone who is just picking this up, please note that this is the SEQUEL to our other fanfiction, 14 Gods around the World. It is probably possible, based on my Athena logic, that you can read this without reading 14 Gods, but we highly suggest that you do because there will be several plot points and running jokes that will tie directly into it.**

**Now, before we start... there are a few things we would like to address. First off... I'm Hermie, this is Thennie, daughters of Hermes and Athena respectively. If you have any questions about our mythological content, we will be delighted to answer. Please PM us and check out the Mythology Policy on our wall.**

**Second, we started writing this before Blood of Olympus came out, so not everything will tie perfectly into it. We won't be going into detail of what happened after, but play along and enjoy. The most important example is... well...**

**Remember that one guy, from that one camp, who everyone hated, who kinda died in BoO? That guy. He's alive, roll with it, and don't worry.**

**We're gonna kill him!**

**Next... there is mention of both drugs and alcohol in this chapter. We do not support or condone either, drugs and alcohol are bad, don't do them, and if you're having a bad day, hugs help.**

**It also might be awhile before we can get chapter two up, but don't worry. It's been planned thoroughly and is coming! We don't intend on finishing this story for a while.**

**Finally... The Canadian jokes. All Canadians in the audience, you'll see right through them. We are both Canadian and made fun of our Quebecistan with pride. Americans, you haven't lived until you have ridden a polar bear in a hockey jersey in 50 below 0 degrees while maple syrup by the gallon while apologizing to any igloo owners whose homes we crush on the way to the hockey game. That, my friend, is life. **

**DISCLAIMER: Rick Riordan has officially finished the Percy Jackson series. We're still going strong. Long live Canada.**

* * *

"Bunjur, mon ami! Je maple Zeus! Ou est you? Je suis la god de la… La… Sky! And la lightning! And je swiss la king de la gods, alors do as I dit!"

"I'm sorry… but I speak English, too, you know. Tourists always assume it'd all be French but… us Canadians are pretty good at both…" The man at the information desk glanced over Zeus' shoulder. "Oh, hello again, Lady Athena."

"Hi Marc." She replied. Zeus turned to his daughter.

"What? He could speak English, and you didn't tell me? I didn't need to pack those snow shoes, either, did I? There's hardly any snow in Toronto! Hermes!"

"Well…" Marc spoke up, fidgeting with his hands. "If you went to a place like Manitoba or Alberta, you'd find tons of snow, but Toronto's a big city, so we don't get much."

"Is that so?"

"So, Lady Athena, you were serious about moving in here, eh?" Marc asked, nervously. Athena stepped up to the desk.

"Yeah… We might have destroyed all of America… So, we need a temporary place. We considered Europe, but there were too many bad possibilities coming up… That, and we only had two minutes, really. So, we're moving in to the CN Tower, and if you don't mind, we could use an Olympus built pretty quickly."

"Aren't you going to do that? And what about Hephaestus? Shouldn't you two be the ones in charge of it, not us?" Zeus snapped his fingers.

"I knew we were forgetting someone! We left Hephaestus and Dionysus in Brazil or something!"

"You did what to my father?" Marc asked, cocking his brow. Zeus placed his hand on the desk and sighed. "Well, now I get a feeling Cheryl isn't going to be happy. She's Dionysus' daughter."

"Point being, we'll be back in a week." Zeus handed Marc a big red button, a long tube containing blue prints for Olympus and a small stick on fire inside an empty jam jar. "You'll need to keep this well-lit. If it goes out, we're all screwed. Have a nice day."

* * *

"YOU DID WHAT?!"

"Chiron, little bro, please, calm down!"

"Poseidon, I am older! Now, you listen to me. You call me in the middle of dinner to tell me that _Hestia_ accidentally destroyed America and you expect me to uproot the entire camp, sending at least a hundred kids into the wilderness to live in a cornfield in Saskatchewan until you get us a temporary camp built? We're fine as it is right now! Besides, remember what happened last time when we moved to America? Half the kids got sick, half of those died on arrival, and those who were left got slaughtered by the red coats! How do we know that England isn't going to randomly attack Canada, because they need to add a new colony to their collection, and we're all going to die again? Huh?" In the mist of the Iris message, Poseidon scratched the side of his head. The campers were all staring at him in silence, Chiron was yelling at him, and one of the younger campers burst into tears and cowered under the table.

"Well… Actually, I was going to suggest you come stay in the hotel across the street from us… Hermes is loaded, so he booked the whole place just for you guys." Chiron's tail swished in frustration.

"Oh… Well, ahem, in that case, I guess we can go… How do you suppose we get there? We can't exactly drive across a destroyed nation in buses."

"Uh… yeah… I haven't thought that far… You'll work it out. I mean, my son's able to cross from one side of the nation to another in less than ten days! What could possibly go wrong? Just consider it a big quest! You'll all get free weapons when you get here!" Chiron gritted his teeth.

"Poseidon… If there's anything else you have to tell me while I'm still furious, do it now." He managed. It seemed strange to some of the campers that the half horse man was talking nasty to the horse god. Some of them were waiting to see if he would turn into a clownfish or something.

"Well…" Poseidon cleared his throat awkwardly and pulled at the collar of his shirt. "There was this group of terrorists in Antarctica who tried to blow up the camp about half an hour ago with four nuclear missiles… But you don't have to worry! Hera and Ares stopped them with a sword, a blowtorch and…" Poseidon turned to the side. "What was it again?"

"Butter knife!" Ares called.

"Right. Butter knife."

"You are the worst brother EVER!" Chiron yelled, stamping his hooves and stomping away from the Iris message, his tail swiping through the mist and cutting it off. He stared at the other campers at the tables. "Um…" he cleared his throat. "I… Well… Let's get packing. Apparently, we're moving to Canada for a while."

* * *

"So, what are the wagers in this bet again?" Hermes asked.

"Well, you see," Hades began, his arms around his nephew's shoulder as he led him down the hall of the hotel. "I'm going to give you, Ares and Apollo a map of Canada-"

"Oh, I've already got one." Hermes held up his phone, which his uncle promptly plucked from his hands. "Hey!"

"A blank one." He continued. "The wager is, you three have to fill in at least five states with the correct names. If you somehow manage to do it, you guys get to do whatever you want to me. If I win, however, you have to do whatever I want you to do."

"Does that go for the three of us or all of the Olympians?" Hermes asked. A wicked smile grew on Hades' face.

"You'll see. Now, you can't use this, so I'll be taking it for a while." Hades put Hermes' phone in his pocket as they entered a conference room with a table and lots of chairs. Ares was spinning a knife around on it, looking bored, while Apollo was having trouble deciding between two shirts he had laid on the table in front of him.

"Hermes!" He jumped from his seat. "Please, lil' bro! You gotta help me! Should I like the Leafs or the Canadians?" Hermes thought.

"Well, I already like the Leafs, so you could like the Habs, and then every game we could have fist fights and throw beer and popcorn at each other."

"Oh." Apollo shrugged his shoulders. "As long as you don't spill any maple syrup on me, I'm cool with it!" He pulled the Montreal Canadians jersey over his shirt.

"Oh, for the record, I think Artemis likes the Canucks." Apollo pulled on his shirt.

"Should I switch teams? I don't want my baby sister to cry when my team beats hers!" Ares threw his knife at Apollo.

"Just deal with it. I'm sticking with the Flames. They remind me of war. And Ma."

"Why?"

"Have you seen her when she gets angry?!"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Moving on, boys!" With a flourish, Hades whipped a piece of paper from his robes. "This is a map of Canada. As said before, name five states, win a fabulous prize or get shamed for all eternity. You have…" Hades pulled out Hermes' phone. "Ten minutes. Go!" Apollo pulled a pen from his pocket.

"Okay… let's see… Whoa."

"What?" Hermes peeked over his shoulder.

"They only have, like, eight states here! It's so big!"

"More room for war, if only this place wasn't so damn peaceful and didn't have free health care. Then we could get a nice little party going on." Ares said. "Let's call this one Quebec." He pointed to one of the biggest areas to the East of the country. "I think I remembered decapitating a few Brits there, like, two hundred years back. 1812 was awesome man."

"I think that's right…" Apollo wrote in Quebec. "And this one next to it is Ontario. It's where we are right now." He wrote the name of the next area beside Quebec. "Now… does anyone know any other ones?"

"Oh… This one…" Hermes took the pen and wrote in the last area on the bottom. "Is Victoria."

"Oh… Really?" Apollo asked. "Now that I think about it, I remember reading somewhere that one was named after some British… Thing… So yeah, that works."

"How about this one?" Ares grabbed the pen and scribbled something in beside Ontario.

"This is Gunland." he said. "Cuz if you turn it this way," He spun the map clockwise. "It looks kinda like a gun. Ma taught me that when killing things, you need to use your imagination, so I'm doing it."

"Oh!" Hermes pointed frantically at the map. "Athena and I went here three hours ago! I ran around in these crop circles in wheat fields… Ugh… what's it called… It's like Kansas… But with a bit of Alabama…" His eyes lit up. "Kanabama!" Apollo and Ares stared at him.

"Sure."

"How about this small one that I could crush with my foot?" Ares asked. "I think it's the place that that famous ginger comes from…"

"You mean Anne of Green Gables?" Apollo asked. Ares shrugged.

"All I know is she got Diana drunk one day." Apollo cocked his brow.

"I thought Artemis couldn't hold her alcohol… Oh well. Next time I go out drinking, she'll join me. So… what else do we know about this place?"

"They eat potatoes, right?"

"Right! So it's like… the Potato Eating… Island?" Hermes suggested. The boys thought of a moment and glanced over their shoulders at their uncle, who was knitting a very large, three necked, white and red sweater for his dog. "Right… So… Potato Eating Island sounds good, so let's just make it P.E.I instead."

"Why P.E… P.P… P.P.I?" Ares asked.

"Because the place is too tiny and abbreviation looks fancier." Hermes replied as he put the name in. So far, they had six out of the thirteen filled in.

"Okay, what about this one?" Ares pointed to the largest, most northern area on the map. "I think it's where the Indians have dog sledding races, right?"

"It's Native American, Ares." Hermes corrected. "Or Aboriginal Peoples. Not Indian. And for those up here, I think it's… Well… It sounds like I Knew It."

"Whatever. So, what are we going to call it?" Apollo asked. "Maybe… since the I Knew It thing comes in here… Wiseland?" Ares slapped him upside the head.

"No, you moron! You want to give Athena her own state before me? Wiseland sounds stupid! Let's just call it Iceland!"

"That's already a country!" Hermes said. Ares glared at him.

"How do you know?"

"Hetalia."

"What the hell is that?"

"Four minutes!" Hades called, followed by him cussing in Greek about dropping stitches.

"Okay, it needs to be something native sounding!" Hermes said. "Like… Umm… Nunavut!"

"Not that either stupid. It makes no sense. I mean, look." Ares pointed to the area they were examining. "It's so freakin big, how is there None Of It?"

"Let's call it Oromocto!" Apollo said. They stared blankly at him. "I like O sounds."

"Here next." Hermes pointed to the one to the left of Oromocto. "It's kinda stuck in the middle, and it's to the north, so… Umm… Maybe we should combine different words!"

"North West Empire." Ares suggested. "North West Kingdom. North West Socialist Federation?"

"I'm pretty sure Canadians aren't communists." Apollo replied. "I like the North West thing though… Um… Territories?"

"That sounds good."

"I'm calling this one R.M.H" Ares wrote the initials in the rectangular shaped area below N.W.T. "It stands for Reserved for Moose Hunting!"

"I don't think that's…" Ares flipped the pen at Apollo's neck.

"You wanna go?" he hissed. The sun god shook his head.

"No, I mean it's already in there, so…"

"You still wanna go?"

"No, thanks."

"What about here?" Hermes pointed to a tiny little spot beside Quebec and P.E.I. "It's so small I nearly missed it… I actually think I have a few kids there, too…"

"Oh, that's Quebecistan." Apollo answered, taking the pen.

"Quebecistan? Why not just call it New Quebec?" Ares looked like he was going to punch his brother.

"Oh my gods, Hermes, you can't just put New in front of things. It sounds lame! It's Quebecistan because there's war there!"

"Since when?"

"18 freakin' 12!" Ares slammed his hand into the table, denting it. That was now his designated seat for the rest of the time.

"You boys have twenty seconds!" Hades called over the silent clicking of his needles.

"Okay, I'm calling this one…" Apollo wrote in a final name in the area beside N.W.T.

"Time!" Hades pulled the paper from their hands and looked it over, comparing it to the map on Hermes' phone. "Okay… so…" he furrowed his brow. "Apollo, I don't think Igloonia is a state in Canada." Apollo's shoulders dropped, and he began to compose a haiku about his sorrow.

_Igloonia_

_It makes me sad that you don't_

_Really exist_

"Only four…" Came Hades' voice. "Quebec and Ontario are good, and so is that North West Territories. P.E.I… I'm amazed you got that one!" Hades flipped the phone shut and kept looking. "Okay… most of these are wrong… that gives you four so…" His face, if at all possible, paled. "I actually… Think Quebecistan is right… NOOOO!" he screamed, dramatically bending back to the roof. There was loud stomping, probably Demeter, from above them, telling him to shut up. Hermes high fived Apollo while Ares was fiddling with his pocket knife.

"So the three of us get to anything we want to you now?" Hermes asked, excitedly. Hades whimpered and buried his face in his sweater.

This was the start of one of the biggest mistakes of his life.

* * *

"Sir, we've got another nuke!"

"What did he just say?"

"Oh, nothing, Lady Juno! Nothing at all!" Octavian stuttered. "He was saying another guy puked! You see, there's this nasty stomach bug going around Camp Jupiter, and it seems like everyone's-"

"I don't care, Octavian. The point is, Hestia-"

"You mean Vesta?"

"Do not cut me off while I am speaking." Juno snapped on the other end of the phone. "We were Greek. Hestia destroyed America, you'll get your answers when we give them to you. You all need to move to Canada or you'll die alone in America. I'm sure Zhang can tell you what to pack so you don't all die of hypothermia when you get there, but _you _don't have to listen to him, because I don't like you." She hung up. Octavian held the phone away from his ear, awkwardly.

"Well…" He turned to Reyna and Jason, who were listening in from the speakers. He motioned to the camper who ran in to get out and keep quiet. Hopefully they'd do the smart thing and hide the nuke under his bed. "It looks like we're moving to Canada." Jason raised an eyebrow.

"Well, at least Frank will be happy?" Reyna sighed.

"Honestly, if I hear one more thing about free health care and bacon..."

"And maple syrup." Reyna glared at him.

"Where does she expect us to stay? The camp has never relocated itself in over two centuries. And we have the whole city of New Rome to worry about, too…"

"I say we stay put." Octave proclaimed. "Last night, I sliced open a stuffed beaver and it foretold of horrible luck if we left the country!"

"Wasn't that what Frank got Hazel for her birthday?" Reyna asked. Jason nodded, slowly. They both looked to Octavian. "It didn't have a red ribbon around its neck, did it?" Octavian glanced nervously around the room.

"Maybe… I don't remember."

* * *

"Hey! Athena! Why haven't you answered the phone? Athena! Answer me!" Hera pounded on Athena's hotel room door. The gods had managed to book an entire hotel for their usage while they stayed in Canada. After noticing the disappearance of Dionysus and Hephaestus, Zeus had decided that a new Olympus wasn't really a smart idea for them to make on their own, which wouldn't be used much anyway, and wasn't willing to go after his son and son in-law to get it started. If Dionysus got hung over on his restriction time and Hephaestus was drinking his fill knowing he couldn't hold alcohol, they deserved it in Zeus' book.

"Calm down, Hera!" Demeter said. "She's probably just enjoying a nice, big bowl of cereal."

"For the record, Demeter, no one really enjoys that." Artemis groaned.

"Can we focus on Athena for a moment?" Hestia asked. "I'm worried that she's gone Roman on us and destroyed her room and gone beserk and-"

"That's enough hot cocoa for you." Hera said. She kept banging. "Athena, you have until the count of five to open this door. One. Two. Three. Four... Five..?" The other goddesses threw themselves against the wall on the opposite side of the hallway, their hands over their ears and eyes shut tightly. Hera looked at them, confused. "What?" Demeter popped open one eye.

"What happens after five?" she asked. Hera shrugged.

"I dunno. I never got past three when I used it on Apollo and Hermes. I just whacked Ares to get him to do what I want. That boy doesn't know numbers."

"Now I'm actually starting to worry about her." Artemis began, stepping up to the door and peeking in the wrong end of the eye hole. "I can't see much, but it's dark, and I think I see stuff glowing in there." Hestia sighed.

"And just when I thought we could keep her away from the laboratory..." she said. "Looks like she's transformed her hotel suite into a hotel solution!" Everyone stared blankly at Hestia. "It was supposed to be a science joke?" Hestia replied, half asking herself.

"Aww, forget it. I'm breaking in." Hera reached into the air and pulled a tiny revolver out of nowhere. She aimed it at the door's swipe lock.

"Now, hold a moment, Hera." Demeter pushed her sister's hand down. "Remember what Mother always said? Think about it the logical way before doing it the violent way."

"Wouldn't don't point a weapon at someone unless they have one to point back count?" Hestia asked. Demeter shrugged.

"Just think about it like this." she continued, battling Hera's glare. "What would happen if you shot the lock? It would cause a mini fire, alarms would go off, police that shouldn't know we're gods would come, my cereal might burn because we can't have anyone come and put out the fire, Persephone is in a weird coma, so you could hurt her, too-"

"This is a revolver. I have extra bullets in my pocket. I can take a few mortals and the dead Dead Queen." Demeter looked ready to shove her foot up Hera's rear when Artemis stepped up to the door, slid a card into the slot and pushed open the door. "You had that the whole time?!" Hera asked, angrily. Artemis shrugged.

"You're entertaining. You can't really blame me for that." They entered the room. They were met by the sight of Athena breathing deeply into a beaker of white powder, her hair in a messy bun and wearing nothing but a bath robe, which was half undone, and a pair of fuzzy owl slippers. Athena suddenly started coughing violently and waving her hand in front of her nose.

"Phew!" she managed, sticking her tongue out. "That's some strong stuff!"

"Athena?!" The other goddess's jaws dropped to the floor. Athena looked at them, taking a few seconds to register their existence.

"Athena Roxanne Metis Goddess-Of-Wisdom! You have some explaining to do, young lady!" Hera yelled as she grabbed the front of Athena's housecoat. Athena clung to the beaker for dear life with both hands. Hestia started crying.

"Oh centaur dung..." she muttered. "Okay, before you judge me or anything, just let me tell you what's actually going on here! So, since we've come to Canada-"

"Not even for an hour…" Demeter muttered.

"I've had this awful cold. So, I tried taking a hot bath, but I think I made it a little too hot, because the water evaporated-"

"For real or a hallucination?" Artemis muttered.

"Real. So, I needed something else to relax me with all this happening, something to make me feel happy again!" Hestia burst into tears.

"Athena, drugs are never the answer!" she cried, clinging to Athena's legs. "You drop that meth right now!"

"Who said anything about drugs?" Athena asked, cocking her brow. "These are bath salts."

"That's not any better!"

"Like, Epson salts. You know, you put them in the water and it smells nice and helps your complexion?"

"Oh… That's okay then…"

"I don't believe it." Hera scoffed. "You drop that beaker right now, young lady or I'll-"

"Let me explain. Please." Athena continued, her eyes still really wide. "These are my homemade, maple syrup scented bath salts. You can borrow some if you want, and if you don't like maple syrup," She revealed the rack of test tubes behind her, each full of colorful powder. "I have rose, lavender, honey, peppermint… Ancient Greece, olive and even pomegranate." Demeter backed up and made a cross with her fingers. Hera edged forward, then backed away.

"Really?" she asked. "And how has your cold been now?" Athena sneezed violently.

"Still not so good."

"And have you been making anything else since we got here?" Hera continued, her interrogation still going strong.

"No. It's been these, and I worked on this tree, too. It's a maple tree, and I've been extracting sap from it so I can make the… What are those?" There was a potted tree in the corner of her hotel suite, lit by florescent blue lights to help it grow. At the bottom of the pot, little green plants had begun to grow. Everyone turned to Athena. Artemis' eyes flared.

"You've been doing drugs?!" She yelled. "Gods, Athena! And I thought I could trust you!"

"No, I swear I-"

"I knew she was lying! I always knew you were no good!" Hera yelled. "Must have been from being in Zeus' head… I wish I could feel sympathy for you, but I hate you too much for you to deserve it!"

"Why didn't you tell us, Athena?!" Hestia yelled. "I think I'm gonna be sick…" Athena stared at the chaos she had created.

"I didn't… I swear I didn't…"

"What's going on?" Demeter asked. Everyone turned to her.

"Athena's growing pot!" Hera yelled. "Haven't you been here the whole time?!"

"No I haven't!" Athena yelled. "It has been scientifically proven that you cannot grow pot beside a maple tree!"

"Oh, so that's how it is, is it?" Hera asked, wheeling around on Athena again. "Wait till I tell your father… Then Hestia can have her seat on Olympus back! And that no good drunkard will be history…"

"Umm… Actually… I think the pot was me." Demeter said. They all turned to her. "Sorry… Athena mentioned pomegranates, my worst enemy who is conspiring with Hades to kidnap Persephone again every year, so my nervous habit kicked in."

"So, is that why poppies just grew all over the place in the nineteenth century?" Artemis asked. Athena nodded.

"Opium was all the rage." Hera glared at her, but was cut off by Hestia, who, if possible, scowled at Demeter.

"You have been doing drugs?" she hissed. Demeter backed away, nervous.

"No, it's just that…"

"Demeter, I am your older sister! Tell me the truth!" Hestia yelled. Suddenly, the maple tree burst into flames. Athena screamed.

"No!" she cried, throwing off her house coat onto the tree. "Not my salts… This… You're ruining my bath salts! No!" What followed was Hestia chasing Demeter from the room, Hera running after them with her revolver, telling them to both calm down or she'd shoot them. Artemis stared awkwardly at Athena, who was sulking by her desk.

"Athena?" she asked. Athena looked up at her, currently in what Artemis would call a drug with drawl phase.

"Yeah?" she sniffled.

"Put some clothes on."

Then the sprinkler turned on.

Athena's reaction was… We'd better not go into detail.

* * *

**First chapter!**

**That was... interesting.**

**Oh, don't worry Thennie! We all know your mom isn't ACTUALLY like that, right?**

**Yeah... I... I hope...**

**Please review, favorite and follow! Suggestions are always welcome and will be considered. We may not be able to, since we often consider this story a dumping place for all our funny ideas that are too short to be stories of their own, and it is mostly planned out. But please, keep your ideas coming.**

**And now... our traditional lead into the next chapter!**

**"Hera, what's wrong?"**

**"I feel so... soo naked..."**

**"Umm... You're wearing a house coat."**

**"It's gone, Demeter! My Precious!"**

**"I thought that was Poseidon's thing... and Minerva's."**

**"Demeter! My wedding ring is gone!"**


	3. Olympus Got Borders!

**Guess who's back with more god crack?!**

**Us?**

**Yes! Now, excuses... SCHOOOOOOOL, exams, theater and snow. The end. Have fun in Canada!**

**We have made a resolution to try and publish a chapter every two weeks, and if you guys have any suggestions, we would love to hear them to be worked into later chapters, though we have up to about ten planned out.**

**We also want to remind you that this is a crack fic and a sequel, so if you haven't already checked out _14 Gods Around the World_, we recommend it so you can understand some of the gags and events that will happen later in the story.**

**Before we begin, I would like to thank Thennie for writing Eris' fantastic monologue and KendraPJO for her ideas, which led us to creating a hilarious build-up to meeting Leo again. SPOILERS! There is also mention of drugs and alcohol, but you know the drill. That ain't cool, so don't do 'um.**

**Finally, to all the Percy and Nico fans, we love them, too, not together, if you know what I mean, but we can't help but have our fun with them. This is a crack fic. What else would you expect from us?**

**Now for the disclaimer! And if anyone has any funny ideas for later disclaimers, PM us and you might see it in a later chapter!**

**DISCLAIMER: Ares is red, Poseidon is blue. We don' t own it, and neither do you.**

**Except if you were Rick Riordan and were actually reading this right now, but what are the odds of-**

**Hermie, you just got a PM.**

* * *

"What is this "_Oppan Gangnam style_" anyway?" Hades asked, looking at the piece of paper Apollo and Hermes had given him, accompanied by a death threat from Ares if he didn't follow his instructions.

"I still fail to understand why you," Zeus jabbed his thumb at Hades. "Would invite us to do something like this."

"I don't like it." Poseidon said, scanning the area. "I know you're up to something, Hades."

"Fine. But hear me out first." Hades stepped in front of his two brothers and held his hands in the air, as if surrendering. "Maybe this is just my way of offering for a new start, which really wouldn't happen with you two as brothers, but I mean no harm. As a matter of fact, you have a much better chance of doing harm to me than I have to you!" Zeus and Poseidon stared at their brother. Hades took it as a sign to keep going. "I'm sure you've both heard of Drunk Bowling."

"So you're saying that getting us drunk beyond the point of remembering our names will give us a better chance at harming you?" Zeus asked, getting frustrated. The three brothers stood in the middle of a busy bowling center in the evening after Hades had somehow talked them into coming with him. Hera had given him looks as he led his brothers out the doors of the hotel. Hades shook his head.

"No… Well… Let me explain. To… shake things up with our visit, I thought I could play you two in a game. It is entirely based on chance, once we do get past _that_ point, but think of it more like a bet if you'd like to win."

"Continue." Poseidon said, interested. Zeus looked like he was going to smack him.

"We will play each other in a game of Drunk Bowling, you two against me. You will take turns bowling for your team, so I have a fair chance as well. Whoever wins the game gets to do whatever they want to the other team, swear on the Styx." Poseidon looked to Zeus. His younger brother was better at picking out false bets and loop holes.

"Then it's an offer I can't refuse." Zeus lifted the 50 cans of Budweiser off the ground beside him. "Where do we start?" A smile grew on Hades' lips. His plan would work this time, for sure.

"I've already booked us a lane." Poseidon gulped and furrowed his brow. He wasn't liking the sound of this bet at all. He was sure he and Zeus could win, but he was more concerned about what Hades would do if they didn't. It was too late to back out now. He covered the rules of Drunk Bowling in his head. It was the exact same as regular bowling, but there was a catch. However many pins the last player to bowl didn't hit was equal to the number of swallows of beer everyone else had to take. Gradually, as the game progressed, the players became even more intoxicated. Poseidon just hoped that Hades had a designated driver on hand, and that Hestia had stocked up on enough Advil.

"Alright, let's get…" Zeus stopped in his tracks. Hades stood beside him, Poseidon joining them.

"Which lane are we?" he asked. Zeus pointed ahead of them.

"14." At the assigned table, which was probably shared between 14 and 15, three girls sat chatting and eating pizza with books pilled on the table beside them. They looked to be in their late teens, or maybe even early twenties. Poseidon looked at Hades. They exchanged "_The Look_" before grabbing Zeus' arms.

"I wasn't-" he started to sigh, but Hades cut him off.

"Don't even think about it or we'll give up Thursday night." He hissed. "We'll just ask them if there's a chance they could move away, that's all."

"Or we could book another lane." Hades shook his head.

"Everywhere else is full. It's either girls or no power over me." Zeus shook his way out of their grasp.

"I'll do it." They watched as he made his way over to the table. Poseidon pulled out his phone and readied a contact number; Hera. Hades watched as the girls looked up at Zeus and engaged in a conversation for a minute before they packed up to leave. One of the girls, who looked to be the smallest, dropped the pile of books she had been lifting to the floor. Zeus bent to pick them up for her, then stopped and engaged in another conversation. Poseidon's finger was drifting to the Call button, the phone rising slowly to his ear. Finally, Zeus waved them over, the girls still at the table.

"This looks like trouble." Hades managed. They joined their brother at the table, who was placing the other books in a pile beside him.

"Boys, these girls are writing a report on Greek Mythology!" he said, sounding chipper, but the look he had in his eyes was the Do-Not-Screw-This-Up-Or-Else-We're-All-Dead look. "I suggested we help them a little, you know, being experts and all." The girls glanced at Hades and Poseidon, who in turn glanced back. The shortest girl, who had dropped the books, had blond hair tied in a low ponytail and grey-blue eyes and wore a long sleeved white shirt, a short sleeved blue hoodie and a pair of faded pale jeans. The next had long, deep brown hair that fell past her shoulders and grey eyes that resembled Athena's so much that for a second that Poseidon was half convinced he was looking at the goddess herself. The silver owl shaped earrings didn't help that much, either. She wore a formal looking beige jacket over a white blouse and a long black skirt and glasses. The last girl was the tallest with light brown hair braided along the sides of her head and light brown eyes. She wore a long, light blue dress and a silver jacket that fell past her hips.

"Umm… Hi." Hades said. This wasn't part of his plan at all.

"Hi…" the blonde girl said back. "So… Ah… Thanks for helping us, I guess. We could use the help of some professors, since we don't know anything really about mythology… And we're sorry we're taking up your time being here!"

"It's alright." Zeus put his hand on her shoulder. The blonde girl shuddered. "It might make the evening more interesting. Besides, I offered to help you! We'd love to help, right guys?"

"Right…" Poseidon nodded. "You've been reading a lot of texts… What's your paper about?"

"Well," the miniature Athena began, adjusting her glasses. "We're attending a university here in Toronto, and we have to write a paper about a given pantheon. We got the Greek one, so we did a little… a lot of research. Basically, we're trying to figure out which of the three most important gods of the time, Zeus, Hades and… P-something…"

"Poseidon." The other brown haired girl said. "Zeus, Poseidon and Hades. We're trying to decide who was the most important to the pantheon based on what the Greeks thought about them, but we also read a few stories and decided to base our ideas off those." The brothers exchanged glances. This didn't sound too bad at all!

"Then I believe we can definitely help you." Zeus began, holding out his hand to the brown eyed girl. "I'm… Zachary. These are my brothers… Um… Patrick and… Homer."

"Homer?" Hades hissed, under his breath. "Why Homer?"

"You like Homer, right?" Zeus asked back. Hades shrugged. "And you remind me a little of him."

"Oh, I… Wait. Homer, as in the Greek poet, or Simpson?" Zeus smirked at him.

"Simpson." Poseidon stepped on Hades' foot before he could maim their brother.

"Right…" The brown eyed girl said. "I'm Katrina, this is Megan," she pointed to the Athena look alike. "And this is-"

"I'm Athena!" The girl with the glasses, Megan, slapped her upside the head.

"No, your name is Autumn. Do that again and I'll hit you with a text book." Autumn stuck her tongue out at Megan.

"Whatever. Anyway… So, you guys are the experts! Who do you think is the most important?"

"Just give us a minute…" Zeus pulled his brothers away from the table. "You two, set up the game. I'll start talking, and we should be able to do both at the same time."

"But what if we get so drunk that we can't give the right information?" Hades asked.

"And why are so interested in these girls, anyway?" Poseidon asked.

"Well… Technically, we're allowed to have kids again. I mean, look." He pointed to the girls. "There are three of them!"

"You disgust me." Hades growled. "They aren't even adults yet! They don't know what they're getting in to!"

"But they said they were in university, right?" Zeus continued.

"But in Canada, you start university at around 18." Poseidon said. Zeus shrugged it off.

"Legal age to give consent. If we were in America, they could join the army. In Canada," he lifted the beer. "They can drink!"

"No." Hades said.

"But I've NEVER had a Canadian child before! And Poseidon still holds the record for most demigod children!"

"That's really not something you want to beat." Poseidon replied. "Hades, you can bowl first. Zeus and I will cover this."

* * *

"So, how exactly does this work?" Percy asked, standing at the head of the group of campers beside Chiron and Annabeth. "Because I've never crossed a border before, much less had time to stop and pay an entry fee."

"Well, they're going to test you." Chiron began as they approached the Canadian-American border. The whole area was desolated with a dark sky and the occasional lava spewing from the earth. Percy found it hard to believe that Hestia had done this. On the other side, there was snow, lots of snow, hanging off pine trees and flooding the ground. It was even snowing that night on the other side. "Demigods are like guns." Chiron continued. "They need to test you to see if you are capable of doing lots of damage, but also if you really are a demigod. Sometimes, it is too dangerous to move demigods from one area to another, but out of the group we have here, I think you and Nico will cause the most problems."

"Thanks." Nico said. "I'm feeling much better about myself-esteem."

"We still haven't heard from Camp Jupiter, have we?" Annabeth asked, sounding tired of walking through several destroyed states in the past day. Chiron nodded.

"I think that Octavian is keeping them put, but I understand why. New Rome is very well protected and guarded. We could survive at Camp Half-Blood, but it isn't a very safe idea."

"What kind of things will we be tested on?"

"Oh, nothing bad. There will probably be a physical check-up, how well you can use your powers and abilities, they might ask some questions-"

"As long as I'm not writing anything, I'm fine." Nico grumbled. "I forgot how to read." Percy had a sudden flash back to his first week at Camp Half-Blood. He and Luke were standing in the war council room of the Big House, staring at a coat of arms on the wall.

"_i̱mítheous eínai san ópla."_ Luke had said. Percy glanced up at him.

"_What does that mean?"_

"_Well… It's Greek for 'Demigods are like guns'."_

"_Who made that up? Mr. D?"_

"_No… Chiron."_ There was a pause.

"_Luke?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_I don't feel safe here anymore."_ Luke put his hand on Percy's shoulder.

"_Don't worry, Percy. You probably aren't."_

"Oh, the irony…" Percy muttered as he sat in the plastic seat at the border crossing waiting room.

"So, I say we go in the order of Cabins." Chiron said, once an official had come out and he had finished all the gallons of paperwork. "Not just because of plot convenience-"

"What?" Piper asked.

"Nothing, but we need to get things moving along. Percy, you can go first." Percy hesitated before standing, looking around the room as if this would be the last time he saw everyone. His eyes met Annabeth's. She gave him a look that told him to get it over with. "Come on, Percy, we've kept everyone waiting long enough." Chiron said, pushing Percy through a set of doors. He walked by himself down a long hall, each light he passed under seeming to blur his vision, Percy remembered to breathe.

"It's going to be fine, Percy." He told himself. "After all, you've faced worse! You defeated Kronos, heck, you were even brave enough to look him in the eye! You escaped from the Underworld twice, not to mention escaping your own demise, helped raise and defeat Gaia… wait, did I actually? No, not now! Happy thoughts, Percy, happy thoughts. Blue food, Annabeth, ponies, uh… peanut butter."

"Hey, Percy! Wait up!" Percy turned around. Nico was coming down the hall after him.

"Yeah?" he asked. Nico stopped in front of him, out of breath.

"Chiron told me to get tested with you. I think it's his way of getting the worst over with first."

"At least Thalia isn't here. Then we'd run into some problems." They walked on in silence.

"This hall way is too long. Something is wrong." Nico began, pulling his jacket tighter around him. "Do you feel that?"

"Feel what?"

"That godly energy. It's coming from the end of the hall." Percy felt a shiver go down his spine.

"You're right… I…" Percy felt a wave of panic fly through his body. He had felt something like this in Tartarus, he was sure of it; something overwhelmingly powerful. He just didn't know where to place it. But there was something else pushing against it. "Think you can summon any dead people in here?" he asked, reaching for his pocket.

"I doubt it." Nico replied, holding a finger. "Crap."

"What?" Percy was still searching his pockets.

"They took my ring and sword going in." He looked up at him, his brow furrowed. "You've got your sword, don't you?" Percy researched his pockets. The panic flew through him again.

"Where in the name of Hades is my sword?!" Percy patted his pockets. It was no good; Riptide was missing. He groaned. They'd taken it from him at customs and probably had it locked in some anti-magic safe for godly weapons. He looked around for something that had water in it, tempted to ask Nico to ready lots of saliva, but he only had a second before a door was opened for him at the end of the hall.

"Hebe's going home! Hebe hates you!"

"Yeah, well go home! I don't care if you die out there trapped under a boulder!"

"Now, ladies, please! Calm down! We have a job to do!"

"Hebe doesn't care!" the little girl standing in front of them yelled, stamping her foot. "Hebe's going home to tell Mama you're being mean to Hebe!"

"Did you forget, stupid? There is no home you can go back to!" a woman's voice called, sounding extremely angry. "Go ahead, go tell your mother! It isn't like she could hate me anymore, anyway!"

"Hebe hates you! You're the worst sissy ever!" the girl yelled again before she fell to the ground and had a meltdown. Percy looked nervously to Nico. Nico gave the same look back.

"You know what I find ironic?" Percy muttered as they backed away slowly.

"What?"

"The fact that I can get out of Tartarus in one piece, but I cannot come within a foot of a child."

"You know what I find ironic?"

"What?"

"Same ending, except I told you I'm-"

"Oh, Hebe, stop all that crying!" A man stepped out of the room and picked her up, which muffled the sound, at least. Then he noticed them. "Oh, you boys must be here for the testing. You can come in now. There's nothing to be afraid of… besides that atrocious haircut of yours." He directed this to Nico. "Look at that, you're hiding those gorgeous brown eyes! Don't you think so, Hebe?"

"Hebe wants'ta go home…" she sniffled. The boys stared at each other awkwardly.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. I'm just too into fashion!" The man set Hebe on the ground, who proceeded to hide behind his legs. "I'm Hermaphrodite, minor god of love and homosexuality. I needn't state who my parents are, since it's a little too obvious, and I have a boyfriend." Hermaphrodite said, holding out his hand. He had long, dirty blonde hair worn in a low ponytail that went at least halfway down his back and was wearing a loose denim jacket over a skinny white tank top and black skinny jeans, his grey eyes meeting each of theirs as they shook hands.

"I'm Percy, and this is Nico." Percy began. "And yeah, we're here for testing." Hermaphrodite held open the door for them.

"Right this way. I promise it isn't anything painful, just some questions and some ability demonstration. Hebe, you come back in, too." Hebe shook her head, her brown hair whipping around her face.

"Hebe doesn't wanna until sissy goes away!" she pouted. Hermaphrodite sighed.

"Fine. You can stay out here alone in the hallway by yourself." he replied as Percy and Nico followed him inside. There was a woman who looked to be in her late teens sitting at a table and reminded Percy a lot of Thalia, if she was a delinquent and drank alcohol. She wore a smug look on her face, a sleeveless red top under a black leather jacket with spikes on the shoulders and collar, combat boots and short short short short shorts. Her feet were on the table when they walked in, a flask to her mouth and her glowing red eyes watching them. Nico didn't think she'd gotten a swallow down before she spit it out and began yelling at Percy.

"I didn't get to kill you!" the girl hollered as she threw the cap on her flask and pulled a knife out of her jacket.

"Do I know you?" Percy asked. She spat.

"You should."

"Now, Eris, calm down." Hermaphrodite began, putting his hand on her shoulder. Eris shrugged it off.

"Shut up. And don't give me any of that garbage about my family not liking this. They hate me enough as is."

"Eris..?" Percy thought for a second. "Oh yeah! You're one of Nyx's daughters who tried to kill Annabeth and me!" Eris' eyes flashed red with flames. Percy furrowed his brow. He had seen Eris' eyes burn that way before, but with excitement. These were full of anger and hatred. He was certain he'd seen it somewhere before on…

"Yeah? So what?" Her glare intensified. "Is that a challenge? Surely you know better than to challenge a goddess, and if you don't, I decline your offer. Unlike that stupid brother of mine, I've got better things to do with my time than waste it fighting puny mortals."

"Your brother?" Had he fought any of Nyx' sons in Tartarus?

"Sissy, stop being mean all the time!" Hebe whined. Eris focused her glare on her. The flames only got hotter.

"Cram it, brat! Having you here only makes it worse!"

"Hebe is… Zeus and Hera daughter, isn't she?" Nico asked, under his breath. "I'd be careful what you say around someone with that kind of lineage-"

"Ares." Percy realised. "Your brother is Ares. That makes you-"

"What? No one ever told you Ares was my twin?" Eris let her eyes go wide in a fake, shocked expression. "I'm not surprised. Life is better off just sweeping Olympus's little embarrassment under the rug. Yes, smart mortals. Hera was my mum and Zeus was my dad, and I shared a bed room with Ares and my other embarrassment of a sister 'till we were seven."

"There's another one of you?!"

"Ares, Eris and Enyo, the first children of Zeus and Hera. Big surprise? Doesn't surprise me at all. Enyo lived her glory days alongside us, causing havoc and chaos as we rode through war torn cities and battlefields during the age of the Trojan War. She was into fire, my sister, and the only person who ever cared about what happened to me as we slashed the hearts and heads off soldiers, all three of us riding in a chariot, laughing so loud that our throats were always full of ashes."

"The Trojan War… You started that war. Why should I trust you?"

"How about you answer this, Jackson? From what I hear, you were never the most popular kid." The atmosphere in the room was becoming uncomfortably tense with godly aura. Hermaphrodite pulled Nico and Hebe aside and let them seat themselves at the table. "Was there ever some party that you weren't invited to? Poor little Percy; he comes in from recess and he's the only one without an envelope on his desk. Now imagine that happening, but it's the most important wedding of the century."

"And you started a war over that?" Judging by her dress code, attitude, war-like nature and drinking habits, Percy didn't think that Eris would care much about something as frilly as a wedding party, or care much about his birthday party history.

"Started a war? Ha!" Eris laughed like they were sharing an old joke. "I didn't start that war. All I did was throw an apple into the audience. All I wanted to do was show those stupid uppity goddesses was it was like to be the laughing stock for a change! Oh no." Her tone darkened. "It was Aphrodite who started that war. But why blame her when you have the perfect scapegoat? No need to blame perfect, beautiful, charming Aphrodite when there's temper-mental, annoying, violent Eris on the loose! So, bam! The war's over, the blame's been set, and they're trying to figure out what to do with me, the goddess who 'started' the war and ran wild in the streets with her insane sister and psychotic brother. Only one option, really, that's suitable for the mythological evils of Ancient Greece."

"Tartarus." Eris slipped her fingers across the blade of her knife. The flames in her eyes became moist and weak, puffing little light into her iris.

"My own father... I called him Papa, too, did you know that?" Her eyes fell to Hebe's. "My own father cast me into Tartarus." She paused, as if debating to continue. "At my dear mother's request."

"Mama did…" Hebe began, her voice falling away. Hermaphrodite held her closer on the seat beside him, observing with a look of worry in his eyes.

"The first few centuries were torture." Eris continued, returning to stare blankly at her knife. "I was alone, confused... The monsters, they can sense Olympian blood even better than they can sense demigods. They hate the Olympians and their direct lineage a lot more, too. And there I was. Terrified." The knife shook in her hands. A small cut appeared on her index finger. "Defenceless." Her voice didn't match her reaction, flicking the ichor away as if she was used to worse wounds, her voice carrying the weakness brought from many. "Oh, you can bet they had their fun." The knife met her jacket once again as it slid into a pocket.

"And then I met Nyx. She welcomed me in, if any part of Tartarus can be welcoming." Her eyes returned to Percy's, the little emotion she had begun to show faded completely. "She said if I obeyed her and became a minion of the night, she protect me, like she would a daughter. And I agreed. Hades, she was a much better mother than Hera, even though that's not saying much." Hebe's cheeks puffed and her brown eyes swelled, but remained silent. "You know why Jackson? Because she did two things Hera never did. She remembered my birthday, and every now and then, she gave me a hug. Nyx was the only one that ever made the darkness feel safe. So I stayed with her, until less than a year ago, when I finally managed to escape that godforsaken pit, mother dearest thought that two millennia in Tartarus wasn't punishment enough and put me in this shack with her other, perfect daughter. And here we are."

"Mama told Hebe that it was because sissy would protect Hebe from the bad things outside until Mama and Papa found a place for us to live!" Hebe replied, finally letting out all she had held back. Eris ignored her.

"I'm done here. Whatever lies my mother has to throw my way can be thrown at me, in person. I have more serious business to attend to. I haven't seen Enyo in hundreds of years, and if Hera won't tell me where she is now…" She opened the door to leave. Hermaphrodite didn't resist, pulling Hebe closer to keep her quiet. "Oh, and mortal," She turned back to Percy. "If I was going to kill you, I would have done it ages ago." The flames rekindled themselves in her eyes, but seemed tired, and worn out.

"Why did you tell me all of this?" Percy asked, feeling angry all of a sudden. Maybe it was just from being around her.

"Surely you've noticed I'm not like the other gods. Maybe it's because I'm a wreck, or because I'm in the presence one of the so called _Heroes of Olympus_." Eris sighed "There is only one thing worse than death; Immortality." She shut the door moderately loudly. They were silent as Percy took his seat beside Nico. Hebe hid her head in Hermaphrodite's neck as he fixed her dress.

"I'm sorry about all of that." He managed, finally. "I guess we should get on with your testing. I must say, it's a wonder she didn't incinerate you."

"Sissy wouldn't do that…" Hebe managed. "Hebe thinks sissy ran out of fire…"

* * *

Demeter was walking from the kitchen of the hotel, munching on a family size box of raisin brand that was, in her opinion, too small to even get one proper, Demeter sized serving out of. She had been planning on breaking into Hades' hotel room and giving Persephone another dose of whatever he had her taking to make up for her time in the Underworld (Undopium is what she had begun to call it) before she went to bed, until she got in the elevator. Still munching away at her cereal, Demeter had been too busy thinking about what she was going to do to Hades after all the pain he seemed to be causing her daughter, since the Queen of the Underworld was in such a rotten state that she couldn't even remember her name, much less who Demeter was. She was thinking that it would be a great time to trick her daughter into eating cereal more often when she felt something soft and wet wrap itself around her legs. Screaming, she jumped against the elevator doors, clutching the cereal close to her, holding her spoon out like a weapon.

"Who- Hera?" she exclaimed, seeing the figure on the floor before her. Her sister didn't move. Demeter put her cereal out of harms reach and knelt beside her. "Hey, are you alright? Come on, Hera! Say something! Ugh, I told you, you need more whole wheat!" Still no movement. "Hera?" Demeter lifted her from under her shoulders. Hera's whole body was limp. Now, she started to become concerned. "Answer me!" she yelled. "What's wrong with you?" Hera's hair was still wet and stringy, hiding her face.

"It's…" she managed, her voice high pitched and breaking. "I…"

"What is? What's wrong with you?" Demeter sighed. "What did Zeus do this time and why are you acting so _human_ about it?"

"I… I'm naked!" Hera sobbed, burying her head in her sister's shoulder. "I've never felt so empty in all my life!"

"Shh..?" Demeter wasn't sure what to do. Had Hera been taking the Undopium, too? "Hera, you aren't naked. Look. You have this house coat on and you have underpants on and you're fine."

"No, I'm not, Demmy!" Hera screamed, looking up at her sister. "It's gone! I don't know… Zeus… He's going to make more babies!"

"There's the psychopath I know…" Demeter thought to herself. "Okay, you need to calm down and tell me what happened. What's gone and why is Zeus going to double his children count because of it?"

"My… My ring…" Hera began sobbing on the floor of the elevator just as the doors clicked open.

"Ma?!" Ares asked, looking up from his phone to observe the scene. "What happened? Whatever it was, I didn't do it, and if Dad's running off again-"

"Ares!" Ares didn't know how many eons ago he had been hugged by his mother, but it felt strangely amazing. "My son!"

"Yes, Ma?"

"I don't want you to hate your mama or papa!"

"Okay, what happened to you?"

"I don't want a divorce and I don't want you to be a bad god because you can't live with your mama and papa at the same time and start being an overly confusing and temper-mental person like me!"

"I think the damage has been done."

"You have to help me!" Hera sobbed into his shoulder, hugging him tightly around the waist.

"What's going on?" Hermes asked, stepping out of his suite. "Whoa… Is she actually caring about you?"

"Mmhmm." Ares replied, hugging his mother back. "And it feels really confusing."

"Ares, if you help me, I'll never hurt you again and I'll forgive you for all the times you wouldn't shut up or kicked me when you were a baby and all the times you nearly tore apart Olympus when you were three and when you ran off with Aphrodite because you stole her from your brother-"

"Okay, Ma. I get it. You can calm down now." Ares took her hands and, regrettably, pulled her out of the hug. "Tell us what's wrong. Start from the beginning, nice and slow."

"I took a shower before I go to bed, just like I always do." Hera began, fixing the sides of her house coat as Hermes and Demeter joined them. "I took off everything I had on, except my wedding ring. I never take it off unless I absolutely have to. I started to wash my hair, but you know how gritty hotel shampoo is, so I took off my ring because I kept scratching the side of my head with it and it would get tangled in my hair. I forgot about it, since I was too busy trying to get all that glue out of my hair and was worried about what Zeus, Poseidon and Hades were doing, and when I got out of the shower, I started to dress myself before I remembered where I'd put my ring, but when I looked back to the shelf where I'd left it…" Hera started to cry again.

"Wait… This isn't the wedding ring, is it?" Hermes asked. Hera looked up at him, miserably, and nodded. "Oh gods…" Hermes backed up. "Then we definitely have to find it before Zeus gets back. If he sees her without it, he'll think she abandoned her place as his wife, and that'll only give him more time to run off and flirt until we can find it."

"We can't hide the fact she lost it, either." Demeter added. "I don't think Hera's in a right place to put on whatever face she chooses again." She hugged her sister and patted her back. "I think it might have fallen down the drain." Hera looked up at her, her face pale and bottom lip trembling.

"What I think we should do is wait for Hades to come home so he can track it and recover it, if it is in the drains or even somewhere in the hotel." Hermes said. "Did you look everywhere in the-"

"Yes!" Hera cried, turning on him. Hermes hadn't seen his step-mother this angry since he'd covered one of her peacocks with icing sugar when he was five. "I am not waiting for Hades! I want it now! Now now now now now!" she screamed, stomping her foot. Apollo whistled, poking his head out the door.

"Auntie Utters lost her ring?" he asked, grinning. A nearby light exploded. Demeter put her hand on Hera's shoulder, who had her fists balled up so tightly that ichor was dripping from her palm. "Luckily for you, I have an idea that will help you find it!" Apollo exclaimed.

"This better not be stupid, Sunshine." Ares scoffed as Apollo walked past him down the hall.

"No way! Don't sweat it! There's no way this plan can backfire!"

"The law of gags and jokes dictates that whenever someone says that, the plan goes horribly wrong in the end." Hermes warned. Apollo knocked on a door down the hall.

"Persephoneeeeee!" He called. Another light exploded, followed by strange little plants popping up on the hotel floor.

"Don't you dare…" Demeter hissed.

"Can we kill him now?" Hera asked. Demeter held up her hand.

"Wait. We need to wait until he's really pushed it." The door opened slowly as Persephone staggered out, wheeling her I.V machine beside her. There was a gauntlet on her wrist attached to I.V tubes and her hair was a wreck, not to mention she was wearing a 1400's nightgown.

"Honey!" she exclaimed, half-heartedly, as she hugged Apollo around the waist and buried her head in his chest. "Me missed you!"

"I missed you, too, babe!" Apollo replied, playing along.

"Permission to kill granted." Demeter yelled. Persephone's eyes lit up.

"Mummy! Hadie, you brought me Mummy! Me love you, Haide!"

"I love you, too, Persie!"

"Percy? Where? Where? Me like Nico-"

"No, not Percy. Listen, babe, do you know what would make me love you even more?"

"Me babies?" Apollo glanced over his shoulder. The little green plants were growing in number. Hermes and Ares had begun picking them.

"No… Shiny things!" Persephone jumped for joy.

"Hadie want shiny? Me can find shiny!"

"That's good!"

"Take this off!" Persephone pointed to her I.V.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea, babe-"

"No! Take it off!" Persephone yelled, stamping her foot.

"You heard her, Apollo." Demeter growled. "Take. It. Off." Apollo gulped.

"Yes… of course, Persephone…" He clasped the gauntlet and slowly pulled the I.V from her arms.

"Ow!" she screamed. "Stop!"

"I'm taking it off. Hold still…"

"No!"

"Please? For Hadie?"

"You aren't Hadie because Hadie isn't a meanie!" she cried. Apollo had finally removed everything as Persephone flopped into his arms and cried. "It hurts! Me wanna go home! Me wanna cuddle with Cebby!"

"You can cuddle with Cebby later."

"Love me!"

"I do, but if you want more, you have to find the shiny."

"Shiny?"

"Yes, shiny. Go find the diamond, Persephone." She crumpled to the floor and began to crawl around, muttering "Shiny" under her breath.

"I am going to murder you a thousand times." Demeter hissed. Hermes and Ares were busy keeping Persephone away from Demeter's plants.

* * *

A shot of chloroform later, Percy found himself having a dream where he was riding on Chiron's back being chased by his father, Poseidon, who was dressed like Batman, riding on Hermes's back, who was dressed like Robin. Poseidon was yelling "I'm Batman!" and spraying silly string everywhere from his utility belt as Hermes began singing the Batman Theme with a sugar high look on his face. Percy was wondering how any of this tied into reality before he saw his clothes. He was dressed in skin tight black spandex and holding two bags full of money; drachma, judging by the clinking sound they were making as Chiron pounded along the streets of Gotham. Was he… Cat woman?

"Um… Chiron?" he asked. The centaur whipped his head around in a 180 turn. He was the Joker.

Percy screamed and jolted awake, still seated in his chair.

"Good morning, Mr. Jackson." Hermaphrodite was saying, writing something on a clip board. "How did you sleep?"

"I am never taking chloroform again!" Percy gasped, sitting up straight. Beads of sweat were running down the sides of his face. "I had the creepiest dream… Do you know how unsettling it is to wear skin tight leather while riding a… Oh gods…"

"Mm…" Hermaphrodite replied, still writing. "Cross dressing… interesting… What else?" Percy wasn't sure where to begin. The whole dream had been so freakishly odd that he was crossing his fingers it wasn't a prophecy or foreshadowing for something later to come.

"My dad, Poseidon, he was Batman, and Hermes… He was Robin."

"Doesn't surprise me." Hermaphrodite replied. "Did you see any other immortal figures in your dream?"

"Yeah. Chiron."

"Just three… Not bad, not bad at all. Your friend should-"

"Holy-" Nico screamed, falling out of his chair as he woke up, the crash masking the next word he said.

"No delayed reactions… Nico, you would make an excellent tennis player-"

"The dream, oh gods, the visions won't go away…" he shivered, climbing back into his chair. "This horrible thing called Thalico…"

"What's that?" Hebe asked. They hadn't noticed her sitting calmly beside Hermaphrodite, playing with a stuffed cow and drinking a juice box. "Hebe knows Pertemis and Pothena!" Percy felt a chill run down his spine.

"Now, Nico, in the dream, did you see any immortal figures?" Hermaphrodite asked, patting Hebe on the head to silence her. Nico nodded.

"Percy," he began. "What happens in the testing room stays in the testing room, alright?" he asked, shuddering. Percy nodded. Nico took a deep breath, sweat running off his chin to his lap.

"Thalia and I were eating dinner, but she was in a wedding dress, and I was in a tuxedo with a weird mask over one side of my face-"

"_Phantom of the Opera_?" Hermaphrodite asked. Nico nodded, hesitantly. Hermaphrodite went back to writing. "Oh gods, I love that show. Keep going."

"So, we had dinner, but all the gods were standing around us and watching and saying all this nonsense in Italian and there were numbers floating in the air around them… Then they started trying to kill each other and Thalia started throwing pasta at me-"

"Thank you, that's all I need." Hermaphrodite cut him off. "Both of those dreams make absolutely no sense, and judging by your reactions, I'm certain you're both hoping they aren't part of the future." Both boys nodded. Hermaphrodite clicked his pen shut. "Very good! You passed the first test wonderfully!"

"I take back my comment on reading and writing earlier." Nico told Percy as Hermaphrodite pulled out some papers. "Anything is better than that."

"I have DiAngelo's papers here, but Jackson… I'm going to need to ask you a few questions."

"You have my what?" Nico asked. Hermaphrodite gave him a packet of papers.

"Your father sent me these a few hours ago. It's basically your birth records, demigod stuff and accomplishments we should be aware of." He explained. "Mr. Jackson didn't get so lucky, but they aren't difficult questions at all. Nico, you can relax for a while."

"Can Nico braid Hebe's hair?" Hebe asked, excitedly.

"I… I don't know how…"

"Everyone knows how to braid Hebe's hair! Even Big Brother can do it!" Hebe plopped down on Nico's lap. He took two handfuls of hair and awkwardly began twisting them around each other.

"Okay!" Hermaphrodite began. "I need you to state your full name and date of birth."

"Perseus Sebastian Jackson." Nico began snickering and laughed uncontrollably. "What? My mom likes Shakespeare!"

"Oh! Like in Twelfth Night! Sebastian and Viola! Oh, it has such a cute love story. Well, two, actually!"

"Stop laughing, mortal!" Hebe exclaimed. "You need to braid Hebe's hair properly!"

"Anyway," Percy continued. "My birthday is August 18th, 1994."

"Good… Can I have your current address, school and or place of work."

"Sure… I live in Manhattan with my mom and stepdad, Paul Blofis-"

"Ha! Blowfish!" Hebe laughed.

"And I go to Goode high, when it being attacked by monsters."

"Perfect. Both of your parent's full names."

"Sally Catherine Jackson and Poseidon."

"No!" Hebe exclaimed, glaring at Percy. "Unca's full name is Poseidon James Richard God-of-the-sea. Hebe's full name is Hebe Rose Amelia Mary Hera Goddess-of-youth. Mama gave everybody middle names during the 16 hundredededs."

"Oh… that's nice… Did you get all that?" he asked Hermaphrodite. He nodded.

"I'm Hermaphrodite William Hermes God-of-"

"Okay… Next question!" Nico said, still struggling with Hebe's hair. "We could be here all day."

"What's your favorite color?"

"Blue. Why?"

"Oh, I just wanted to know! I think it's a very good ice breaker! I like yellow, and I think you would look great in turquoise."

"Please never mention that to Annabeth."

"Noted." Nico replied.

"How many national landmarks have you destroyed over the past five years, not counting school owned property?"

"Ah…" Percy thought. "Well, there was the Saint Louis Arch, that aquarium at the museum with the sharks, two buses," He paused. "Does New York count as one or do I have to mention all the separate building and sections on Olympus?"

"Neeeeeew York…" Hermaphrodite muttered as he scribbled on his notepad.

"A cruise ship full of monsters, your evil brother, and Mount St. Helens."

"Godly property?" Hermaphrodite raised his eyebrow. "Nice! You really get around, kid!"

"Thanks?"

"How many people have had a major crush on you in the past couple of years?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Well, the good hero always gets the romantic interest! Right? Don't worry, kiddo, you don't have to count the fangirls!"

"Stop pulling!" Hebe hissed at Nico. "You'll pull all Hebe's hair out and Hebe will make Mama send an army of peacocks to kill you!" Percy began counting on his fingers.

"Annabeth, Rachel, Calypso…" He thought. "Just three."

"Stop pulling!" Hebe screamed, kicking Nico in the knee.

"Well, you missed one, but we'll just go with three if that's all you can handle!" Hermaphrodite replied. Percy made the mistake of looking at Nico. Black fumes were quite literally leaking out of his ears.

"Nico?" Nico mumbled something in reply. "If you're having that much trouble braiding her hair, I could-"

"Please!" Hebe finished, climbing on Percy's lap. "He's terrible at it! Even Papa can do better, and he always ties Hebe's hair in knots and then Mama has to cut it!"

"Oh, there's no time for that!" Hermaphrodite began, standing form his seat. "It's time for the final test! Hebe, fetch the plate!" Hebe giggled and pulled something out from a cupboard. Percy began to drool. His heart rate accelerated. Hebe was holding a plate full of…

"Mama made Hebe blue cupcakes and Hebe's not sharing!" she exclaimed. She grabbed one and took a humongous bite.

"Now, Percy," Hermaphrodite began. "You are not to leave that chair. Is that… Percy?" Percy was hyperventilating. He knew those cupcakes. Hera hadn't made them. She'd bought them at the little store by their apartment in New York. His mother had done the same several years ago. It had been the best day of Percy's life. He had finally scored a goal in soccer at his summer camp. No one had beat him or made fun of his name because it sounded prissy. He had only been sent out into time out once. Nothing weird had happened. And he was getting blue cupcakes. On his sixth birthday. Nothing could go wrong.

And then, he remembered terror striking. He remembered what his mother had told him. She was going to marry Gabe Ugliano…

Percy couldn't take it anymore. He lunged for the cupcakes, his belly sliding across the table as he landed on the ground beside Hebe, grabbing the cupcakes and protecting them and his face from harm on the table so he could eat them in the corner of the room while Nico stared at him, horrified.

"Well…" Hermaphrodite stepped in front of Nico. "Let's get on to your test, shall we?" Hebe started crying. Nico gulped. Whatever was coming, he did not want to face it. "Here, I have something that you especially might remember quite well." Hermaphrodite pulled a small card package out of his pocket. "Do you recognise these, Mister DiAngelo?"

"Those are…" Nico's eyes widened. "That's… They only made ten of those…"

"Uh-huh." Hermaphrodite nodded.

"It's the… Odyssey Special Collector's Edition with the holographic card… and the extra power-ups… And… The most valued Mythomagic cards out there… Aphrodite gains 1000 extra attack points…" The said goddess' son cocked his brow.

"Uh… Okay? Well, point being, I'm going to open them now-"

"No!" Nico tackled Hermaphrodite to the ground and began chocking him once he had placed the cards in a safe place in his jacket. "Mine! Mine, you hear me?! Mine!" This continued until Hermaphrodite was turning what he would call Percy's favorite color when they were interrupted.

"Stop acting like idiots! Now!" Hebe yelled, stamping her foot. "Hebe's the princess, so you have to do what Hebe says!" Nico let go and stood up, giving Hermaphrodite a chance to breathe. Percy looked up from his cupcakes, his hands and face covered in blue icing. "If you don't all stop, Hebe's gonna scream really loud for Papa, and when Papa gets upset at somebody 'cuz Hebe said Hebe is, Papa doesn't send peacocks. Papa sends lightning eagles and sheepies."

"Sheep…ies?" Percy asked, a sugar high look in his eyes.

"Yes." Hebe replied. "Sheepies. Do you mock Papa's sheepies?"

"No! No, not at all!" Hermaphrodite made a sound that sounded like the mix of a dying bird and opera music as he stood up, using the table for support.

"You both passed…" He wheezed, taking a seat. "Welcome to Canada…" He sighed and reached under the table. "Oh, and Percy, before you go, we got these letters that were addressed to you from around the world. We thought you might want to look at them." Wiping his hands on his jeans, Percy looked at the envelopes. Most of them were postcards from around the world.

"This… This can only mean…" He felt a tug on his sleeve.

"We're leaving…" Nico looking, like he had just killed someone, or tried anyway. "Thank you for letting me choke you. It was satisfying."

"No prob…" Hermaphrodite was using a puffer. Nico pulled Percy from the room and out into the hall.

"Thank gods that's over, right?" He began, trying to start a conversation. Nico nodded, glumly.

"I sure hope Sunny boy's powers extend to the mind…" he grumbled.

"Stop!" Hebe was stomping towards them from the room.

"Yes?" Percy asked. Hebe didn't look up as she hugged Percy's legs.

"Hebe... Hebe heared you saved Olympus." She began, hugging his legs tighter. "You saved Hebe and Mama and Papa... Will you save Hebe's sissy, too? Mama always tells Hebe that she wants Hebe to help Mama make everybody in Hebe's family happy, but..." Her voice broke. "Hebe thinks Eris misses Mama, too. Mama hated Hephie, too, but he came back and became an Olympian, and if Ares is an Olympian and Eris is our sissy, then Eris can come home, right?"

* * *

**We know that Rick says that Eris is a daughter of Nyx, but like we said in _14 Gods_, we heard of her as a daughter of the Royal Pains first and think that leaving her with those two as birth parents adds more character between her and Hera in later chapters to come.**

**SPOILERS!**

**Speaking of spoilers... Here's the preview for chapter three!**

**"Where would you like to go on our date?"**

**"Oh, I don't know... Maybe the zoo?"**

**"Have you taken your pills?"**

**"Oh, of course, sweetie!"**

**"Sweetie... You never call me that. Are you feeling well, Hera?"**

**"Of, I'm fine! I just thought we could reconnect as a married couple together!" _Damn it, Hades, keep it together!_ Hades thought as he fixed his dress.**


	4. Olympus Got Zades!

**We said we would try two weeks...**

**Which were swallowed by snow days and school work...**

**But we're back and this chapter is really funny! Yay!**

**Once again... we do not support alcohol. Zeus, Poseidon and Hades are of legal age to drink, so they can do it. Everybody else... No No.**

**Secondly, we are not actually shipping it! It's a joke, honest. It was fun to write, but... no. Just no.**

**For anyone confused about our Eris Enyo thing, please see past chapters Author's Notes or PM us and we will give you the rundown. Basically, we heard it like this first, we like it like this better and it fleshes out Hera's character a lot more.**

**Not that Hera's really in this chapter, well... Give or take some crossdressing-**

**SHHH! YOU'LL RUIN IT FOR THEM!**

**DISCLAIMER: **

**We do not own this**

**It belongs to Riordan**

**He would not do this **

**(To Zeus and Hades)**

**There you have it, folks! ****We can make a better limerick than Apollo! Now enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

Hades barely heard the sound of his phone ringing in his pocket over the sound of his brothers making merry, all three of them on beer number 20. He didn't know the number, but didn't want his brothers to mock him for his ringtone choice.

"Hell… Hello?" he managed, his head in his hands after _Walking on Sunshine_ had been stopped. If anyone asked, it was part of Persephone's plan to make him happier.

"_Um, Lord Hades?"_ a voice asked.

"Ayup! That's me!"

"_Are you drunk?"_

"No. Maybe, a little. Don't tell Persephone, and don't tell anyone she's in the Underworld, because I'm a marry'er!"

"_Um, that happened three thousand years ago."_ Hades felt his spirit soar into the air, hit the roof of the bowling alley and fall back into his chest, where he realized that even if he was the god of the dead, and drunk, he still had a heart.

"What? Really? And she loves me?! Loves me for me!? Wait…" He held his phone to his shoulder for a moment. "Zeu-Zach!" he yelled, causing Zeus to trip and fall backwards before he threw his bowling ball in the wrong direction. Katrina ducked. The ball missed her head by a centimeter. "You lied to me! This ring," he pointed to his wedding ring. "Isn't from you! It's from your daughter! Ha!" He flopped into the chair.

"Whadar'you talkin' 'bout?" Zeus grumbled, taking off his shoe to throw it at the pins. "I never married you! I married Dionysus, and together, we had Aphrodirty!"

"R-really?" Hades remembered the person on the other end of the phone. "So, as I was saying, sis, I don't have your daughter captured in my domain-"

"_Lord Hades, I'm not Demeter, I'm Percy Jackson."_

"Are you prank calling me? Because Percy Jackson was the name of that kid who went to wizard school, met a talking lion and fought a bunch starving kids to the death. You had three movies."

"_You are so drunk."_

"I told you, I'm not drunk!" Hades stamped his foot, causing the ground around him to split open and the screams of the dead to rise into the mortal world. The girls stared at him in terror. Hades noticed them, tapped his feet together, and watched with amazement as the ground sealed itself.

"_Anyways,"_ Percy continued. _"I was wondering, is it possible to send postcards from Hell?"_

"Uhh… No. We got rid of that in the 30's. It was a mess and made Hermes have nightmares."

"_Oh. Thanks."_ Hades listened for a moment before hanging up, catching Percy yell _"He's cheated death!"_ and a crowd cheering behind him. Hades hung up. He didn't like happy screams and didn't have time for punk kids and their stupid slumber party dares. Meanwhile, Poseidon was talking it up with the girls at the table.

"So," he was saying. "Athena, she totally cheated! I mean, let's be honest with ourselves!" He leaned into the table, as if he was telling them something extremely important. "Who would you, the citizens of Athens, give that city to, right now? Athena or," He slapped his hand proudly to his heart and cocked his brow, attempting to be sexy Poseidon. "Poseidon?" Megan and Katrina glanced at one another nervously.

"My opinion could be biased," Megan began. "But I think… definitely Athena. Right now. What do you think, Katrina?" Katrina bit her lip and grimaced, looking quickly at Poseidon.

"Yeah… definitely Athena at this moment… Autumn?" Autumn glanced up from her 3DS.

"Oh." She glanced around. "How come Hermes couldn't have it?"

"Daddy's girl." Megan grumbled.

"Says the girl with the owl earrings." Autumn replied. Katrina snickered.

"Hey, can we talk about me again?" Poseidon asked. "Okay, so, she made this olive tree, but then she cheated. She had Heph… Hephae.. Hephie… How do you spell that? Whatever. She had the blacksmith dude, who was still totally in love with her, make her a snow cone machine. So she made everyone olive flavored snow cones, and since it was really hot in Greece, they liked them, so she won. Oh, and she also started weaving on her loom with her feet at the same time."

"Riiiight…" Megan replied. "Any other interesting-"

"He got a hit!" Hades yelled, sitting beside his brother. "Take a can, any can!" Poseidon reached across the table a grabbed Autumn's bottle of Diet Coke.

"Hey! What the Had- heck, man! That was my pop!"

"Your what?"

"My pop?" Autumn gave him a look like it was the simplest thing in the world.

"No, that was your soda. Jeez!"

"Well, sorry…" Poseidon threw his bottle at Zeus.

"Now, let me tell you a story!" Hades began, sitting beside his brother and crumpling a can of beer on his forehead. Megan glanced at the other two girls.

"We're leaving." She hissed. "Autumn, Katrina, let's get out of here."

"But, they still have to tell us more about them- I mean, about the gods!" Autumn replied.

"Autumn," Megan glared at her. "They're drunk. We need to get out of here."

"But… Half an hour!"

"You realise that this is literally the beginning of a _Criminal Minds _episode."

"Twenty." Autumn snapped.

"Do you want to go back to camp with another boyfriend? What will you tell Michael?" Autumn glared back.

"Fifteen."

"Okay. Fine. Fifteen minutes, then, we are leaving." She huffed as she sat back in her chair. Katrina muttered something nasty under her breath.

"This is the story of how to get a girlfriend." Hades paused, looked around and made sure that everyone was listening. "Hades style. It's like the Zeus style, but with children. This is the story of how Hades married his niece."

"It sounds so bad when you say it like that…" Katrina groaned.

"Oh, Hades and Persephone?" Autumn perked up. "They're my OTP! Persades!" Katrina stared at her, her jaw dropped.

"You made a shipping name for them?" she hissed. Autumn shrugged.

"Actually, I kinda like that…" Hades began, stroking his beard. He stopped after he remembered he didn't have one. "So, Hades, he was totally in love with Persephone. Except, she was, like, six and a few months. So, he had to wait for like..." he counted on his fingers. "Four years until she was ten. Then he kidnapped her!"

"Wait a second." Megan interrupted, looking up from her notebook. "Wasn't the legal age for marriage in Ancient Greece 14?"

"Well, yeah, but she was actually 300 at that point… I'll have to ask her, I kinda forget. Anyway, so, he opened the ground and it ate her and brought her to his domain, and he asked her if she would marry him, and she said yes right away. So they got married, but there were only three people at the wedding they held on the Styx; Cebby."

"Cerberus." Katrina corrected.

"Hey." Hades glared at her. "Who's the king of Hell here?"

"You are."

"Who decides what to call his morbid freak of nature puppy?"

"You do."

"I'm glad we got that cleared up." Hades yawned. "You're always trying to steal my non-existent thunder, you damn children of-"

"Poseidon!" Zeus called. "Your turn!"

"No!" Poseidon groaned. "I have a headache! I want my wife!"

"Yeah, as I was saying, I wanted her, too." Hades continued. "So, that night, I gave her the pomegranate seeds and told her they were aging pills."

"Oh, are we telling stories?" Zeus asked, wobbling over beside them. He tipped Poseidon from his chair and let his brother crawl to the bowling rack. "I'm going to tell you one about m- Zeus!" He took a swig of beer. His face was turning green.

"Actually, I think we have enough-" Autumn began, packing her things a little slower than the others when they heard her abandon of the twelve remaining minutes.

"No! No! This is a good one!"

"Yeah! If you stay, I'll build you all palaces by the twigs!"

"Styx."

"Hey! It's my river, Zeus! You've got your sky and ladies, I've got my darkness and rivers and Snowdrop!"

"Snowdrop?"

"Persephone. It's my nickname for her. Beat that!"

"The only nickname I can call Hera is Bi-"

"Okay, let's finish this one last story, but make it quick." Megan snapped, pulling the other girls back down. Autumn was already seated, excitedly.

"This is how Zeus had a baby with one of his daughter's best friends, but there's a catch." He looked at them in silence, trying not to crack up, a serious look on his face as he delivered the punchline. "I. Was. Her!" he laughed, slamming his hands on the table and spilling beer on his pants, Hades roaring with laughter beside him.

"I should have thought of that when I kidnapped Persephone!" he laughed. "But I should have been you!"

"I did that with the peacock, too!" his brother replied, slapping him on the shoulder, causing Hades to fly forward and hit the table face first. "Those women! You just have to turn into things!"

"Is that how we got married?"

"Proabably!" They laughed so hard that they fell to the floor. "Girls, I am definitely the most important god, and you are all most definitely coming with us to-" Zeus stopped. The rest of the table was empty. "Oh… there goes my plan for tonight…" he whined, falling to the ground and slamming his fist on the floor. There was a loud rumble as the pins on each lane in the alley fell over and Poseidon grabbed Zeus by the collar of his shirt.

"Hey! I'm the Earth-Shaker, you're the Womanizer, and Hades is the Kidnapper! We established this, so don't shake the earth!" he yelled. "Now, each of you, grab a can and drink! Hades, you made me mad, so Zeus and I win, and now you have to apologize!"

"I didn't do it!" Hades sobbed, hugging Zeus. "Please don't take away my wife!" Zeus burst into tears, too.

"Please take away mine!" he cried, grabbing Poseidon's legs.

"I want my wife, too!" The brothers sat together on the ground, being watched by the audience of bowlers around them, that were left out for plot convenience and because they were too drunk to see them. After they had cried a sufficient amount to make Poseidon a new ocean, Hades cracked open a beer.

"To sleep!"

"To sleep!" His brothers replied.

"To Hades with all of you!" Artemis, who had been standing there the whole time, yelled, slamming the car keys on the table. "You're driving home yourselves!" She stomped off, then turned around and kicked Zeus on the back. "And I still don't forgive you for what you did to Callisto, Daddy!"

* * *

"For the last time, Poseidon!" Hestia yelled, throwing her ice pack on the floor, the tips of her hair sprouting tiny flames. "I can cure migraines, aching pains, broken limbs and the flu, but I cannot cure heartbreak, the common cold or a hangover!" Poseidon wailed in pain and fell further back into the couch, his head in his hands, wearing a mountain of ice packs under a fuzzy blanket.

"But it hurts!" he sobbed, wiping his eyes on the sleeves of his fish print house coat.

"I know, honey, I know…" Amphitrite, who was seated beside him, began, holding his other hand in hers. "It'll be alright. Come on, Poseidon."

"Amphy!" Poseidon pulled her into a tight hug. "Angelfish!"

"Cuddlefish!"

"Bubble baby!"

"Dolphin muffin!"

"This is so embarrassing…" Zeus grumbled, holding his own head in his hands after a wild night of drunk bowling and getting kicked out of a bowling alley in the middle of a snowy night. It was eventually Hermes and Athena who gave in and picked them up when Hermes called and Hades began talking nonsense, thinking that he was his mother.

"Well, maybe you wouldn't find it so embarrassing if you tried it." Hera replied, stroking her wedding ring with her fingers. She eyed him with one eye.

"What? Calling each other names like that?"

"Yes. Of course, honey."

"Uh… sure, uh… my little cuckoo?" Hera sighed.

"Honestly, you can come up with better than what I call Hebe." She huffed, standing and leaving the room. Zeus started to call after her, but Demeter cut him off.

"I would leave her be for a while, if I were you." His sister began, taking a sip of her extra herbal with an extract of cereal tea. "She had a bit of a… complication with her ring last night."

"And?"

"She almost lost it for good. Apparently it fell down the drain and we searched the whole night for it until Hera finally dug open a man hole, climbed down and came out two hours later… with her ring." She added, once she noticed her brother giving her a quizzical look.

"And you said something to me earlier about why Persephone's arm is bleeding a lot…" Hades began, patting Persephone's head, who was cuddled up beside him, chewing on his house coat.

"Apollo used her as a metal detector to try and locate the diamond on Hera's ring."

"Speaking of Apollo…" Zeus began. "Now I really need to have a word with him…" He left the room limping, almost falling over when he turned the corner.

"So…" Demeter began, setting down her tea. "What were you three really doing last night?"

"Um… What do you mean?" Hades replied. "I already told you. We got drunk and went bowling."

"Yes, I am aware. But, the last time you went bowling and got drunk, the United States invaded Canada. And Hermes won fifty dollars." Demeter glared at him. "Clearly, you had an ulterior motive. Let me make myself perfectly clear."

"Oh no…" Poseidon whimpered, backing even further into the couch.

"Oh, what's wrong, Popo?" Amphitrite asked.

"She's going to be clear!"

"You are the man who kidnapped, seduced and raped-"

"I didn't rape her! It was perfectly consensual after marriage-"

"My cute little daughter, and you'd been planning her kidnapping for years-"

"Months-"

"Just to lock her away in that dark cavern-"

"Hey! It's not that bad-"

"Clearly didn't just go out and get himself and his brothers drunk-"

"You realise how hilarious it is to watch the King of the Universe get drunk, though-"

"For absolutely no reason! You're up to something, and I'm going to find out what it is before-"

"He lets me watch _Breaking Bad_ and _Walking Dead_, Mummy!" Persephone cut in, hugging Hades around the head.

"You do what?" Demeter began to flare up.

"She's an adult!" Hades replied, prying Persephone off his head. "I let her watch what she wants on Netflix!"

"Alright! That does it!" Demeter snapped, stomping her foot so hard that her tea shook its way off the coffee table. Poseidon made a strange noise of pain. He still wanted to be the only Earth-Shaker. "From now on, I'm sleeping in your room to monitor the two of you! I mean, who knows what else you might do in the dark?"

"Normal married couple things?"

"Flower picking!" Persephone offered, optimistically.

"You can't do that!" Hades continued.

"Oh really?" Demeter's glare became slightly softer… More Hermes like. "Would you like to have a little… Bet?" Hades' eyes darkened.

"So, when you make them, you have to make sure the two stems are wound together really tight, or else the whole thing will fall apart when you put it on your head! There was this one time, I tried to make Cebby one out of poison ivy, and I got itchy and-" Persephone cut in, fiddling with Hades' hair.

"That's nice dear." Demeter replied. "Now, Hades." She returned to her old, I want to kill you, glare. "Let's see… How long has it been since you were on a date? You like going places undercover in that fancy little helm of yours, don't you?"

"You want me to spy on people?"

"Not exactly… You see, it's been a while since Zeus and Hera went on a nice date, too."

"What does that have to do with me? I hate each one of you, except Hestia." Demeter pulled out her car keys.

"How good are you at shape shifting?"

"Oh, well I consider myself to be one of the best!" Hades replied, proudly. He was hoping Demeter didn't make him turn into something small so she could eat him like one of Zeus' wives.

"Amphitrite, would you stand up please?" Poseidon whined in protest as his wife rose from the couch opposite them, confused. "Hades, turn into Amphitrite."

"What? Why?"

"Well, aren't the best shape shifters able to turn into the opposite gender? Show me! You said you were the best! Impress me!" Hades groaned. Amphitrite gulped as Hades took in her features. Poseidon was ready to jump up and whack his brother if he looked in the wrong place for too long. There was a poof of smoke, stereotypical jingling noises and-

"Hades, I must say, I am impressed!" Demeter exclaimed, gazing at the two Amphitrites that stood before her.

"Mummy, where did my hubby go?" Persephone cried, grapping Demeter's arm.

"Shh… Not now honey, Mummy's busy torturing her big brother. Now, Hades, you did so well on that test, but there's… a little something else I want you to do."

"What?" Hades asked. He was beginning to grow tired of the extra weight on his chest.

"Turn into Hera."

"What?"

"You heard me. Turn into Hera, Hades, and I won't sleep in the same room as you both. Maybe."

"Demeter, don't do this to me." They heard footsteps coming down the hall.

"Now, Hades!"

"Okay, fine!" Just as Zeus turned the corner into the room, Hades was Herafied. Which sounds really close to horrified. He was that, as well.

"There you are, Hera." Zeus began, coming over to them from the hall. Demeter grabbed Hades' arm and pulled him down to her eye level.

"The bet is," she began, her voice low. "If you can go from now until five this evening on a date with Zeus without slipping your true identity or changing back, you can do whatever you want to us, swear on the Styx. But, if not, I get to sleep in your room. Got it?" Hades nodded. A smirk grew on his sister's lips. "Good. So, goodbye," she passed him her car keys. "Good luck." Her hand rested on his shoulder. "And get out!" She shoved him roughly towards Zeus, who caught him around the waist as he spun around, their chest's meeting.

"Umm… Hi!" Hera Hades began, staring awkwardly at Zeus. He raised his eyebrow at his brother.

"Yes, hello. Listen, I need to talk to you in private. It's about Apollo-"

"Oh, I know the perfect place. Let's step out for a while, shall we?" He pulled his younger brother by his suit tie out the front doors of the hotel. It was snowing lightly. "Look, I was wondering if, you know, maybe we could…" Hades found it infuriating to ask this to his brother he hated. But the payoff… oh, the payoff would be lovely. Yes, Hades, think of the payoff. "Let's go out somewhere. Somewhere private where Apollo can't find us and talk. This is about that punishment you've been thinking about for him helping those demigods, isn't it?" Zeus' eyes widened.

"How… How did you know I was thinking about that? I haven't told anyone." He pushed him against the pillar of the canopy they stood under. "Listen, Hera, I have a plan, but you must keep it a secret. I need your help, understand?" Hades nodded. He'd never been this close to someone before- No, he couldn't think like that! This was his brother! He was also a man!

"Yes, yes, I understand." He replied, pushing Zeus away from him. "Can't we just… do something?"

"Like what?" Hades cringed. Saying something like that to someone like Zeus could get him in big trouble.

"I don't know… Maybe… go on a date? Then we can discuss this matter with Apollo privately...?" Zeus had come quickly towards him, placing his forehead on his. "Zeus?" Hades managed, softly. It was so hard not to act rash and hit his brother, much less laugh at him for falling for his trick so easily.

"Hera, and you feeling well?" he asked, his voice low. "What's wrong with you?"

"N-Nothing! I…" Hades tried to look pitiful. "I just thought… we could spend a nice time together before… something happens to us again." Zeus' eyes darkened.

"What do you mean?" Hades let his mind slip. He had to be careful.

"You know our brother." He began, holding his arms from the cold. Why had he chosen such a thin dress? "Hades. That… game you all played last night… He could be up to something, Zeus. I'm only worried… that somehow, he'll try and overthrow you."

"That's impossible." Zeus began, removing his suit jacket. "No matter what claims he gains over us, we will find a way. That's why we have demigods and heroes and lightning bolts. And, besides." He placed the jacket over his brother-wife's shoulders. "A man like him isn't worthy of ruling alongside you, my queen." He kissed his forehead. It took all the willpower and strength Hades had within him not to crack up or kick his brother where the sun doesn't shine. "But, yes, I would like to go out." Zeus continued, walking to the end of the canopy. "I'll go get Hermes so he can drive us-"

"Demeter said I can use her car!" Hades stammered, holding up his sister's keys. "You should be alright to drive. I'm not feeling up to it today, anyway. You know me!" He shrugged his shoulders and tried to act cute. "I hate driving in the snow!"

"Alright, then." Hades managed a sigh inside. That had been a close call. In terms of drinking, Zeus had drunken the least, followed by Hades, who was overwhelmed by Poseidon, who had helped himself to as much liquor as his ocean sized bladder could hold. If Hermes drove them, he would see right through Hades, but if Hades drove, there would be trouble. He still felt a little tipsy with a minor headache.

"Where would you like to go on our… date?" Zeus asked as they climbed in Demeter's earth-green Corolla.

"Oh, I don't know... Maybe the zoo?"

"Have you taken your pills?" Hades froze. He forgot. Hera was allergic to most furs. Too late to back out know. From here on in, Hades needed to test his knowledge of his sister and put up with all the absurdities of her day to day life and husband.

"Oh, of course, sweetie!" he replied, sweetly. "I've also already done my anger management stuff, too!"

"Sweetie... You never call me that. Are you sure you're feeling well, Hera?"

"Oh, I'm fine! I just thought we could reconnect as a married couple together!" Damn it, Hades, keep it together! He fixed his dress and the jacket Zeus had given him as Zeus pulled the car out of the parking lot. This was going to be a long drive.

* * *

"_On the seventh day of camp, Chiron gave to me!"_

"_Seven chosen Heroes!"_

"_Six months a missing!"_

"_Five more books!"_

"_Four Pleiaids!"_

"Actually, there were seven-"

"Shut up, Annabeth."

"_Three old Fates!"_

"_Two godly camps!"_

"_And the Golden Fleece in Thalia's tree!"_

"Chiron! Can we please stop?!"

"Nonsense, Piper!" Chiron laughed, punching her in the arm. It was meant to be friendly, and most likely held good intent, but it sent her falling into the snow piled up along the sidewalk as the demigods made their way through Toronto, finally almost at their make-shift home in a massive hotel, all expenses paid by the gods. "We're almost there! And when we do get there, I'm going to have a word with the gods about all this. You call yourself a hero, yet you can't walk from New York to Toronto without whining? Ha!"

"There it is!" Conner Stoll cried, running ahead of the group, his backpack that had grown more than twice its original size since they had left bouncing up and down on his back.

"Victory!" Travis yelled after his brother, both of their brightly colored winged tuques nearly blowing off in the wind.

"Thank the gods!" Annabeth exclaimed, running after them, followed by the rest of the crowd. "I can't wait to take a real bath!"

"Annabeth, I need you to check me for hypothermia!" Percy yelled, drowning in the rest of the demigods covered in stolen, typical Canadian attire. The Canadians who watched them pass by looked at them in wonder from their light jackets, probably thinking "Who in their right mind would wear a jacket that heavy and carry around snow shoes in February?" as their adjusted their hockey jerseys. Travis and Connor, meanwhile, had reached the front yard of their hotel.

"Bro, you know what this means, right?" Travis asked. Connor nodded, sniffling the last of his runny nose he hoped to have that day from the cold.

"Yeah. On your mark!"

"Get set!"

"GO!" They both tore off down the path at top speed, nearly tripping in the snow. The door was so close, they were almost home, they could see their father again-

"Ow!" Travis hit the ground hard, holding his ear in pain. There was snow all around it, most likely from a well-aimed, well-built snowball.

"Sorry!" A woman's voice came from behind a large, self-built snowbank beside them.

"Lady Athena?" Connor asked, helping his brother to his feet until he too was smacked in the side of the head by a godly snowball.

"What the Hades, Dad!" Travis yelled as Connor dragged him down with him.

"What? Oh! Whoops!" Hermes popped up from behind the opposite snowbank. "Seriously, how come you guys didn't dodge that faster? Oh, you're wearing the hats I made-" He was struck in the face by a snowball and fell to the ground.

"Man down! Man down!" Another deep voice that sounded like a war cry gone mad yelled. "Apollo, get 'em!" Apollo shot up from the behind the snow bank and threw five snowballs over to the opposite end of the forts. Artemis flew up and launched two more before there was a girly squeal from her end.

"OMM, like, Ares! Your team just, like, ruined my, like, Selfie! And I, like, hope you aren't, like, manning-down, if you know what I, like, mean!"

"Aphrodite?!" The Stolls stared in wonder at the blonde goddess who popped up from behind the girls' side, her forehead covered in snow, a cell phone in her hand with a brief picture of a blonde girl wearing too much makeup being whacked by snow, her teeth seeming to come out of her mouth like a cartoon.

"Mom?!" Piper managed, still half covered in dirty snow from the push. "What are you doing out here?" Aphrodite rolled her eyes.

"Athena said that if I, like, came out here and fought on their team, she would, like, teach me how to snuggle and, like, not make babies all the, like, time! OMM, do you, like, like my coat? It's, like, pink!"

"Please, all gods and goddesses alike, hold your fire!" Chiron began, trotting down the path, holding his hands out on either side of him. He managed to catch a snowball from the boys' side, which flew right back towards the ground and smacked Ares in the face.

"What the Hades, Chiron?!" he yelled, followed by a bunch of swear words we aren't allowed to remember to include in this story. The centaur glared at him. Ares slunk back behind the snowbank, taking his bloody nose with him.

"Oh, good, they're all alive." Athena said, patting the snow from her hands as she walked beside him. "I suppose you'll want us to do some quick medical check-ups."

"If you would, please. I have to have a word with a few of you Olympians." Chiron huffed as he walked inside, nearly bucking Nico, who was riding on his back with a twisted ankle, as he shook off a layer of snow. Demeter, Persephone, Hera, Poseidon and Hestia were seated inside the main lobby around a fireplace.

"Chiron! Welcome!" Poseidon said, extending his arms as if he was wrapping them all in a large hug. "What did I tell you? You all made it here safe and sound! And it doesn't look like anyone got a flu, measles or scurvy!" He gestured outside the window to where Artemis was examining the demigods, having them all stick out their tongues as she peered in their mouths. She had Apollo with his own tongue stuck to a telephone poll.

"Pony!" Persephone exclaimed, staring in awe at Chiron.

"Excuse me, my lady?" he replied, backing up as much as he could with some fifty demigods in tow. Demeter put her hand on her daughter's shoulder.

"She's taking some medicine to make up for her time due in the Underworld." She began, before turning back to her daughter. "Now, Persephone, baby, leave Mr. Chiron alone. Play with your kitty."

"Not kitty, mummy!" Persephone explained, holding up a lion cub to show her. "Puppy!"

"No, kitty! Lions are kitties!" Persephone shook her head and began to stroke her lion.

"I'm very sorry about all this mess, Chiron. We'll explain everything once Zeus comes back and once you're all settled in." Hestia sighed, meeting him at the door. Chiron sighed, too.

"Yes, well, I have a bone to pick with him. Whatever reason we have decided to move had better be good and worth my time-" Hestia chuckled, nervously, and glanced at the lion Persephone was trying to offer Hera, who swatted them away.

"Oh, well… You'll find out soon enough."

"Who's the lion?"

"Oh, that's Mr. Fluff, but we call him Watson sometimes." Hestia began, leading Chiron and the demigods who passed Artemis' inspection inside. "His family in Africa thought that Apollo and I were their gods and made us save him and his mother but I accidentally made him immortal and they let me keep him."

"I'm going to have you repeat all that once my brain has thawed." Hestia stood on the nearest chair at a large counter and clapped her hands.

"Alright, everyone!" she began, sounding way too chipper for a ton of weary demigods who had come in after several days lost in their definition of cold. "Please put your bags over to the left wall, hang your coats on the hooks and come over here for some hot chocolate and sanitary food not stolen from corner stores!" The demigods unwound themselves on the other side of the room from Poseidon and the ladies, fighting over couches and running out to join the snowball fight, finally relaxing for the first time in ages. Chiron, now in his wheelchair, rolled over to the gods with his own hot chocolate, a heat pack strapped around his forehead.

"My lady." He said, resting himself beside Hera's chair. She nodded at him as she drank her coffee. "Might I ask what you plan to do about Olympus? Where is Hephaestus? And Dionysus; I need to talk to him, too." Hera's eyes bulged out of her head as she spit out her coffee and squealed. The room fell completely silent as they watched the queen of Olympus stand on the coffee table, holding her cup in the air proudly.

"Hear me, heroes!" she exclaimed, a look of insanity and joy on her face. "Tonight, we celebrate! You will all be able to use the rarest of our godly products to heal yourselves, including all the bath salts Athena made! Also, all trips to any restaurant in the area are completely covered… BY THE GODS!" Everyone cheered and jumped around, excitedly. Persephone even stood up and raised Mr. Fluff into the air before dropping him by accident. Nico barely caught him before his step-mother was dragged down by his godly-grandmother. Hera straightened her dress before taking her seat and resuming her identity as queen.

"She doesn't mean bath salts as in… you know…" he whispered, passing Mr. Fluff back to Hestia. She shook her head and let her lion crawl back into her cloak.

"Oh, no. The kinds you put in the tub." Nico nodded.

"Are we doing rooms by cabins? Because if Camp Jupiter is coming, I'm alright if Hazel-"

"Oh, no, Nico." His aunt replied. "We don't dare try anything with siblings anymore, much less a boy and a girl-"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you really want to see another relationship like that of Zeus and Hera, or even Rhea and Kronos?" she asked, laughing. "Brothers and sisters… whoa, am I glad I got off that wagon…"

"No, I meant the boy girl thing." Hestia stared blankly at him. They blinked. Nico was very confused.

"Oh gods." She murmured. "Well, you'll have to talk to your father about that, and he's gone out with Zeus disguised as Hera, but don't tell her." Nico's jaw dropped. He had had enough of crazy for a long while to come. "Actually… come with me." Hestia pulled Nico away from the demigod crowds and over to the gods, where she leaned into Demeter over the couch. "Demeter?" she began, her tone hushed.

"Yes?"

"Nico… hasn't heard about… you know, and I was wondering if you, maybe could, you know…"

"Hestia, I love you to death, but I'm not understanding a single thing you're saying." Hestia did a small eye-roll and said something in Greek that Nico didn't recognize. Demeter's eyes bulged, Persephone stopped braiding Poseidon's hair, who gave his sister a quizzical eyebrow. Hera calmly sipped her coffee. "He hasn't?!" Demeter hissed, leaning in to her sister. She nodded. Demeter's face paled. "Oh us… You erased his memory, too, right?" she asked Hera, her voice pleading for a yes. Hera shook her head calmly as she sipped her coffee.

"Demeter, will you please?" Hestia asked.

"You're asking _her_ to give _him_ _that_ talk?" Poseidon asked, chuckling. "Now, Nico, why don't you come over here to Uncle Popo, who just so happens to hold the record for most demigods ever conceived-"

"Ooookay, Nico, let's go hang up the coats to dry, shall we?" Hestia said, pulling Nico away.

"I'm having a word or two with your father about this later, you hear me?" Demeter called, followed by a small response from Persephone.

"Hestia, is this some kind of prophecy thing that I should know about but will only learn once it is too late?" Nico asked, pulling his hand away. Hestia sighed.

"No… it's just… really important you should know this… how old are you? 15?"

"Just about."

"I know I certainly can't tell you… I'm a virgin, I don't know how it all rolls out. I haven't heard anything much about this sort of stuff in ages except when I'm coping with heart-broken goddesses over hot chocolate and cookies." His aunt began, resuming her duty of tidying boots and sorting coats by cabin on coatracks. "I'd ask Hera to tell you, since I can trust her to be the most mature, but since she's in an unnaturally good mood, since Hephaestus and Dionysus aren't here, I'd hate to ruin the mood, especially since it is a very sensitive and chaos provoking subject for her-"

As if the day could get any worse for anyone, the fireplace exploded with harsh flames and an eruption of ashes. From the silence and shaking, there emerged two figures from the ashes, coughing and hacking up the smoke.

"Santa Claus!" Persephone yelled, pointing. Demeter and Poseidon had to hold her down on the couch. "Look, mummy! Santa Claus came with presents!"

"Yes, that's very nice, dear." Her mother replied. "Hera, please don't kill someone-" Hera proceeded to shatter her coffee mug in her fist.

"HEPHAESTUS!" she screamed, stomping to the location of her son in the fireplace and pulling him to his feet.

"DIONYSUS!" Chiron joined her. He rolled away in disgust. "Where in the name of Zeus is your arm?"

"Somewhere outside Manhattan, I think." Dionysus grumbled, managing to stand without the use of his right arm. "Damn Egyptians…"

* * *

"So, this bet with Hades... What are you planning on doing to him?"

"Oh... Blackmail."

"Blackmail?"

"I'll tell you later, when he's right in front of you so you can see his face and dignity melt before him."

"Figlio di un..."

"Sorry?"

"Nothing, nothing. Juno... Slipped." Silence.

"I thought you hated swans." Hades looked up from the side of the railing.

"Sorry?" Zeus gestured at the pond on the other side.

"You've been staring at those swans for three minutes and haven't said a word, Hera." he replied.

"Oh, well, I was just, uh..." Hades stammered, walking away from the swan pond quickly as he tried to think of a reason. "Considering the good things in life!" he replied, after remembering that swans were one of Apollo's sacred animals and both the queen and sun nuisance shared the cow. "It's something we talked about in Anger Management!" Zeus furrowed his brow.

"Funny. I didn't think those classes had been working. Well then!" His hand slid to his brother-wife's waist. "What would you like to do now?"

"Well, you mentioned something about Apollo..."

"That's right. Let's step away... Oh! Look!" Zeus pointed at the walking trail ahead of them. "They've let some peacocks go for a stroll." Hades wasn't sure how to react. He figured squealing like a little girl who'd just seen some sparkly princess dress wouldn't hurt. "Whoa!" Zeus gripped his shoulders. "Calm down, honey! They aren't going anywhere!"

"But, Zeus, they're soooo pretty!" Hades exclaimed, putting as much energy as he could into his reaction to channel his inner ability to act like an idiot. "Can I go pet them? Please?"

"Sure, go wherever you want." Hades sighed in relief inside. Luckily, Zeus hadn't seen through his disguise. It was around 2:30. That meant he only had two and a half hours to go until the Olympians were his. "You can stay here, I'll go get us something to eat." Zeus began, adjusting his coat. "What would you like, Hera?" Hades' joy evaporated. What foods did Hera like? Did she have any other allergies?

"Surprise me?" he replied. Zeus nodded and left. Hades had a moment to inner monologue during his alone time on a bench, flanked by tourists and elementary schoolers on a field trip.

"How do girls deal with all this?" Hades began, thinking as he adjusted his skirt. "This thing is so tight... Gods, I can barely stand it. And these... These breasts... Heavy as Hell... How do Aphrodite and Demeter deal with them? So much hair, ugh it keeps getting stuck between my armpits and coat. And it's so curly! I feel uncomfortable between my legs... Hold on, Hades, just a little longer. Then you'll be alone with Persephone in your room with no Demeter. Maybe you can... No, I wouldn't. Persephone is still on Undopium. At least you aren't wearing any makeup... How do women do that? All that orange stuff on their faces and black stuff practically gluing their eyes... They look ridiculous! Thank us Persephone doesn't wear any... Hades, come on! She doesn't need any, since she's so beautiful! This thing about Apollo. I hope he doesn't ask for any punishments. I'm fresh out. Hera would never be. She also wouldn't feel crushed in heels... What is this? Some kind of clown era? Gods... It was much more productive and efficient when we all ran around naked-"

"Hera?" Hades looked up from his lap. Zeus was standing in front of him, holding two bowls full of what looked like ice cream. He smiled. "It looks like you've developed quite the audience, my queen." Hades hadn't been aware of the multitude of peacocks that had flanked his body. One sat on his shoulder. Another was seated contently in his lap. A third was perched on his head, its feathers falling over his face.

"Look, Mommy! Crazy cuckoo lady!" A child pointed at them as Hades raised his hand to his head. The peacock hopped contently onto his fist as he lowered it to the bench beside him.

"Honestly..." he grumbled. "I'm married, you womanizer." he said to the peacock. The peacock made a peacock noise. Hades mimicked. "Aghah to you, too!"

"Easy on the language." Zeus said, sitting beside his brother. "I got you your favorite!" he grinned, hiding their snack behind him. Hades stared blankly at him. They blinked awkwardly at each other.

"Pomegranate?" Hades asked, trying to grin, his voice climbing several octaves as he spoke.

"Cheesecake!"

"Yay!" Hades clapped. He knew he would never be able to regain any of his pride even after Zeus found out the truth. He was acting like a woman, wasn't he? "Thank you so much, honey! I just loooove cheesecake!" The first bite into the chocolate covered ball was one of the worst experiences of his life. It was way too sweet and creamy, brain shattering and sent chills flying through his body. Hades hated sweet things that weren't measured out well with his tastes. He managed a small smile as he forced the thick Hell past his tongue and down his throat.

"Do you like it?" Zeus asked. Hades sent a curse flying in his direction. Lord Thunderpants had gotten poutine. Hades was a glutton for anything and everything with drenched in gravy. "It may not be as good as the ones Hestia makes when Demeter brings in that… plant from the harvest-"

"You mean that flour she slaves over all year until its perfect and trashes if it isn't?" Hades replied, trying to look busy hacking at his cheesecake ball. "She never shuts up about it. She color codes them by height categories, maximum weight, golden hue and estimated production of cereal in case she changes her mind while she's on her-"

"How do you know all that?" Hades let his spoon rest. _Crap._

"I mean, come on." he began, half rolling his eyes. "She's my _sister_. We talk all the time! And, seriously, let's be honest with ourselves." Hades turned towards his brother in a very feminine chit-chatty way. "Demeter has never been the easiest person to ask how their day has been, has she? You just sit there for ages listening to her yack and yack about cereal and plants and Persephone and how stupid I- I mean, Hades is, and all you can do is smile awkwardly at her and pretend to listen because Zeus knows when she's going to let you speak, am I right?" Zeus blinked.

"That was the longest sentence I've ever heard you say." Hades smiled.

"It's been a great day, hasn't it?" Just for further proof, he shoved another wad of cheesecake into his mouth. Gods was he ready to hurl. The peacocks had begun picking at it, too.

"Hera, I've been thinking."

"Really? Wow." Zeus set down his poutine.

"No, I'm serious." He paused. Hades left his own meal for the peacocks. It was time to channel his inner b-

"It's about what Jackson said, about including minor gods into our lives and reaccepting them... That whole thing."

"Jackson?" Hades scoffed. "I thought you'd put him out of your mind."

"As had I. Looks like I'd forgotten." They both cracked a smile at the joke. "I mean, we should. Last time we moved, it took a lot of effort and participation from the majority of the gods. I'm worried now that there will be a stir in loyalties; those who once opposed our move to America will feel the need to explore further return to Europe or Greece since we have relocated to Canada. Like we've abandoned hope in the States, but our stubbornness to move on to another continent holds us down, so we must try here. Do you understand?" Hades nodded. He would need to be serious and Hades for a while.

"I agree." he replied. Zeus froze a little.

"Wow, I'm... I'm a bit surprised, but glad. I'm glad, Hera. It will be best if Olympus begins to unite and ally with other minor gods before they can develop their own ideas or relocate on their own, even possibly falling into the wrong hands."

"Then it should be as simple as explaining the matter to the council." Hades said, crossing his arms. They could get along. If his brother acted smart. "Alert them and the other gods. Hermes can assist us. Tell them about everything that has happened and why and what we plan to do. Not that I entirely understand Athena's logic and reasoning, as I'm certain it may have some over-looked flaws and inconsistencies, maybe some loop-holes-"

"What I'm trying to get at here... Eris." Hades wasn't sure what to say. Eris? Who was that? He knew Iris, Eros and Eos.

"Think Hades..." his monologue began. "This is Hera, remember? Come on, think family... Think meetings from... I don't know, the beginning... Eris. Eris... It sounds like a girl's name, but often when it is, it winds up being a boy's name. I can't just ask him, either. He expects me to know. How would Hera react to this? Come on, Hades!"

"What about that?" he finally replied, very monotone, stroking the peacock on his lap, its beak smothered by chocolate cheesecake.

"I am aware she has returned. As well as her current, well, past position at the border with Hebe." Hebe. That was a name Hades knew. Hera's little pet. Hebe, goddess of youth, married to Hera's sworn enemy, Hercules. The brat who looked and did everything just like her mother and never seemed to age past eighteen before she reset to four or five.

"Eris will be hard to persuade, which is why I must ask you not to involve yourself in any discussions with her, even after I convince her to ally with Olympus." Zeus continued. "What's more... She is looking for Enyo, Hera." Hades did logic in his head.

Hera and Eris don't get along.

Eris likes Enyo.

Eris and Enyo must be married.

Eris is totally a dude.

"She's been absent for centuries, Hera. It's about time you shed some light on her. Especially to her own father."

Zeus is Enyo's father.

No freakin' duh.

Eris and Enyo. Hera would know. Hera would want not to know.

"Excuse me." Hades went to the ladies room. He had now achieved Demeter's proclaimed status of creepy stalker. It was also his first time since the invention of urinals he sat on a toilet seat. Today really was a magical day.

"Hades, relax and think. I can't turn away from an important conversation like this. This includes you. You are technically a member allied to Olympus, aren't you? Sorta. Relax... Think... Eris and Enyo... Enyo and Eris... What are these little boxes for? No! Focus! Hera, think about Hera... Eris and Hebe... Hera and Zeus have three kids, don't they? Ares, Eh... Elle... Elly-something, that childbirth lady, and Hebe." Something clicked in the back of his head.

Three kids. Three little brats. The council meeting someone had thrown ashes from the hearth at him. Someone was kicking him in the leg as he tried to pummel them with the other. Someone waiting patiently from Hera's lap, being held tightly to her chest.

Eris, Ares and Enyo.

Hades made his way towards the exit and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He couldn't return to his own body. If he did, he wouldn't remember the details of Hera's appearance as well as before. He wished she had been in the room.

There was a tug on his sleeve. At his feet stood a little girl who looked to be around two with red cheeks and wearing only a small jacket and rubber boots to protect her from the cold. Hades knelt down to her eye level. The girl looked like she had been crying.

"What's wrong? Did you lose your mother?" he asked, softly. The girl wiped her eyes with her sleeves without much success, tangling the velcro with her stringy black hair that began to stick to her wet cheeks.

« Maman... Je veut maman... » she sniffled, her little brown eyes shaking as she met Hades'. He sighed softly. French. Why was everything French?

"What's your name?"

« Maman... » She began to cry again. Hades patted her head and remembered he was a woman. He could feel the almost completely ignored stares like those of the bowling alley returning to him.

"It's alright, you'll be okay." he said, taking her hand. "Come on. Let's go find your family." She clung to his leg. A few seconds later, she clung to his neck with her head buried in Zeus' coat. As if the day could become any worse. Zeus was waiting for him at the bench, the peacocks happily eating the remaining cheesecake from the bowl on the wet pavement. He rose to meet him as he approached.

"What's wrong?" he asked, watching as the girl hid her eyes from his sight. "Who is this, Hera?"

"She took my hand in the bathroom and I think she's lost. I was going to take her to security."

« Sécurité? » the girl asked, softly. Hades nodded.

"Yes, security. They will help you find your maman."

« Je veut maman! » she cried again, kicking. One of her boots fell to the pavement.

"Let's take her there. Neither of us can speak French." Zeus said, picking up her boot and trying to place it back on her foot. This led to the other boot being lost before retrieval as they walked through the zoo, stopping at some cages to see if the girl showed interest, but she stayed clinging to Hades and crying. "Can't you calm her?" Zeus finally asked after four failed attempts to set her down. "You worked wonders on Hebe and Ares those nights-"

"I'm trying, I'm trying." "Think Persephone... What did you do with her? Ugh, at least we aren't talking about Eris and Egg Yolk anymore- I mean, Enyo, not Egg..." Hades began humming and patting her back. It was all he could think of since he wasn't a woman or Demeter's sister.

"What's that song?" Zeus asked. Hades snapped from his trance.

"Sorry?"

"I've heard you sing an arsenal of lullabies for Hebe and she always asks you about them. It sort of stuck as a habit, learning about them."

"Oh. Well, I used to sing it for Persephone. It's nothing special, really, just something I made up on the spot..."

"For Persephone?" Hades bit his lip. He had slipped again.

"During nights Demeter was ill or out, I would occasionally watch her. You know, before we were married." Hades began, adjusting his hold on the girl, who had fallen silent. "She was scared of the dark and being without Demeter, since she was always there at night, so I did my best to relax her."

"I see." They walked on in silence.

« Où est maman? » the little girl asked.

"Don't worry, we'll find her." Hades said. "What's your name?"

« Pourquoi y a t-il une zoo ouvert en février? »

"What did she say?" Zeus asked. Hades shrugged.

« J'ai froid! » the girl whined.

"Don't worry, I've got this." Hades began to speak Italian. The girl spoke back to him in French. Luckily, Zeus didn't catch on.

"Are you sure that's French?" Hades rolled his eyes.

"Of course. It's another version that Aphrodite taught me. They speak it in… Uh… Quebecistan! Yeah! It just sounds different because of all the immigrants that came there back in the 1300's. The languages merged." Zeus nodded, looking a little deep in thought. It was roughly 3:30. Luckily, Hades was still in one piece.

« Vous regardez comme un monsieur, madame! » the girl laughed.

"Oh, I know that one." Zeus began, stroking his beard. "She said… You…" he snickered. "You look like a man, lady!" Hades proceeded to say the only French word he knew. Unfortunately, it was a cuss word.

"More importantly, where are we supposed to find a security place in this zoo?" Hades asked, pretending to be busy looking around. "This place is massive-"

"Roxane! Hey! Roxane!"

« Madame! » the little girl cried, pushing herself from Hades' arms and running to the older girl, maybe in her early twenties, who lifted her into her arms and hugged her before she began speaking quickly in French with a heavy Canadian accent. The girl, Roxane, began crying all over again as she replied as much as she could in French before another girl a little younger than the first took her and fell to the ground crying; Roxane's maman.

"Thank you so much for finding her!" the first girl began, making her way to Hades and Zeus. "One minute she was with us and the next she was gone… It's like she disappeared into thin air to become someone else's shadow instead!"

"It's no problem, really." Hades began. "I found her in the ladies room and was trying to find a security guard or someone… but I'm glad we bumped into-"

"Hold on…" Zeus began, furrowing his brow. "You're…" The girl's eyes grew wide as they flicked back and forth from between them.

"You're those men from the bowling alley last night!" she exclaimed.

Zeus and Hades both grabbed each other and ran.

"Oh gods that was close…" Zeus panted, once they were a safe distance away in front of the monkey cage. "What on earth did she mean, those men?"

"I don't know… but I think she can see through the Mist quite well…"

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't you see her jacket? There were some initials on it, plus the number 11 and the caduceus, like the symbols for the Hermes cabin."

"Are you saying she's from Camp Half-Blood?"

"No… I'm just glad we got away…" Both brothers slumped against the cage, trying to catch their breath. After a moment's pause, they turned and looked at each other, laughing. Then they both seemed to remember Hades was a girl and stopped. "Anyway, husband," Hades began, regaining his dignity as queen of Olympus. "Now what shall we do? I would like to return by five; Hestia said she needed help in the kitchen."

"Why on earth would she ask _you_ to help her in the kitchen?" Hera can't cook worth anything. Oops.

"I beg your pardon?" Hades snapped. Zeus looked intimidated. Hades should try this more often.

"I mean, well, there's nothing wrong with your cooking, honey, it's just that… ah… Hestia is a lot better and has much more experience! Yes! And, besides, that Hades is such a picky eater, you know?" Hades' anger helped him look ready to smack her husband after he finished rambling like an idiot. "Ugh… anyway… Let's go… ah… Be alone."

After escaping the horde of peacocks that tried to follow them from the zoo, they arrived in Zeus' car, headed toward some national park. It was edging four o'clock. One hour to go. They pulled up in the parking lot and walked in more silence up a hill and into a small park area with a water fountain. The sun was beginning to set, causing the area to look gold from the light off the snow. They sat beside each other alone in the park in front of the fountain. After a minute of awkward silence, Zeus cleared his throat.

"You know…" he began. "I'd been thinking of going out like this with you for a while. Just the two of us, no godly wars, no prophecies, no child kidnapping."

"I don't know if I'd call moving a whole pantheon while the destroyed and desolated United States recover on their own peaceful." Zeus took his brother's hands.

"Well… what I'm trying to say is… I still love you, Hera. I love you a lot." His grip became tighter. "That's why I… I want to apologize. So much has happened over the last thousand years… The world is evolving faster and faster… and I never made the time for you during any of it. During the Great Wars, the 1900's, the second Titan war… any of it. To make matters worse… I had to fall in love with someone else even though I was basically yours after Hades, Poseidon and me made that vow. But… tell me, Hera." They locked eyes now. Hades was beginning to have flashbacks of all the times he had confessed his love to Persephone. "Do you still love me the way you once did?" Hades felt his blood rush and grow hot in his head. How was Hera supposed to answer this? Before he knew it, his brother was on the ground in front of him, pulling a bouquet of flowers from his coat sleeve. He didn't know Zeus could be this… this… this kind. This sweet to someone he had already had children with several times. For once, he wasn't manipulating him, or her, to his desires. What was there to gain besides a new life that both of them probably wanted?

Before he knew it, he was being hugged tightly by his brother, who he hugged back with his bouquet free hand. When was the last time he'd been hugged like this? Maybe never?

"I love you, Zeus." The words slipped out, but Hades didn't know who they'd come from. They let go of the hug, Zeus still holding his hand.

"I love you, too, Hera." Hades decided that if Zeus kissed him, he would have more blackmail. He would just have to scrub his mouth so hard that his tongue bled and tasted Dove soap for a few weeks. They were actually about to kiss, and the moment was so perfect that for a time Hades wondered if he should ever tell Zeus what really happened. They were going to kiss. Please don't let it be gross. Please just let it be short and sweet. Hades would tell Hera to go kiss him harder later. Three… two… one…

"Hera… your ring. It's gone." Hades opened his eyes in a panicked flash. Oh no. It was four thirty at least. Zeus had been holding his left hand. Oh no.

"What?" Hades let his panic help him look like he was going to die as he examined his hand, then the ground, then the area from which they'd come. "Zeus!" he cried, hugging his brother and making as big of a deal as he could manage. "Zeus, I'm sorry! I lost our ring… I lost it and I'm a terrible wife!" Zeus hugged him back. If only Hera had been in the room, then he could have seen that stupid ring.

"There, there, Hera… It'll be alright. Demeter told me you lost it last night, so we can look for it again, right? And we can have Hades help us, too, as much as I hate to ask…"

"O-okay…" Hades sniffled. He was hoping he looked pathetic enough.

"In the meantime, you can wear this, my queen." Zeus slid another ring onto his ring finger and kissed him on the forehead. "And after we find yours, you can keep that one. I had it made just for you."

"Oh, Zeus…" Hades gazed at the diamond in the light of the sunset. "It's so… It's… It's a fake."

"I beg your pardon?" Zeus held his hand and raised the ring closer to his eyes. "How… How can you tell? Not that I mean I intended it to be fake, which I meant it to be real, very real…"

"This isn't a diamond, or a stone like a diamond at all." Hades began, slipping the ring from his finger. "Notice how it shines less than a diamond usually does? This is a white sapphire. Common mistake, actually, for the poor mortal and the poor man behind buying it."

"How on earth did you know that?"

"God of riches? It's my thing, remember?"

"God of riches?"

Oops.

Hades didn't need to sound like a girl to scream like one when his brother burst out the Master Bolt.

* * *

**We are sorry that Nico is uninformed. Don't worry. He and Daddy will have a talk.**

**But, seriously, who was there to teach him this stuff?**

**For those of you curious... Hades got his rear smited off. Big time.**

**Preview for next chapter!**

**"If one of you can make it down my ski hill of Hell, you win the bet. If not, you're mine, Olympians!"**

**"When is he ever going to give up?"**

**"Zeus, just give up your throne of power right now. We all know what he's after."**


	5. Olympus Got Challenged!

**Welcome back, my lovelies!**

**So, exams are over, and we are really freakin' happy! I would like to congradulate Thennie for getting a whopping 95% on her History term paper about Political Crap during WW1-**

**HEY!**

**JHSGFJSAGFKJSGDJFCHGSDFJKS**

**Sorry, I just took care of Hermie. I'll be doing the rest of the Author's Note. We had a ton of fun writing this chapter. Also, if you cannot pick up on the really obvious foreshadowing in some parts, we aren't telling you. Also, if anyone feels stuck on the Eris Enyo Ares thing, please go back and read the other chapters which hopefully you have BECAUSE EVERYTHING MUST BE IN ORDER. We, once again and not for the last time ever, do not encourage drinking, dangerous behavior, or making a video of yourself kissing your sister while she is asleep in the same room as your wife. Just, don't. It's creepy.**

**DISCLAIMER:**

**In Texas, it's 26 degrees Celsius today. In Canada, I had to walk over to Hermie's house wearing a jacket. We aren't Rick Riordan.**

**Thennie, can I come out of the cage now-**

**NO.**

* * *

Demeter looked pretty cute when she was sleeping, actually. No wonder he had once wanted to marry her. His ideas that she snored and drooled monstrous bubbles weren't true, after all. Hades and Persephone had had a good sleep, considering one of them was currently drugged and the goddess of the harvest had been watching over them like a hawk. Hades had plenty of time to plan, seeing how his sister practically drilled a hole in his back from all the stares she was giving him. He began to wonder if she'd even blinked.

Hades was seated on the floor of the suite he and his wife now shared with Demeter. Stupid wedding ring; his rear was still smoking from the blasting Zeus had given him the other night. Oh well.

At least kissing Demeter was better than kissing Zeus.

* * *

The video camera was held in Hades' hand, angled so the screen showed both his face and Demeter's, who was still asleep on the cot. Poseidon held in his laughter as he and Zeus smirked proudly at each other. Hades was sulking in front of them, his face reddening quickly.

"_You two are so going to pay for this."_ Hades in the video whispered, glaring at the lens as he leaned in closer. _"I'll have a nice little hell hole reserved for your children, and it's low, oooh, so low, to have me kiss someone you've both already conceived with."_ And he leaned in closer. Zeus and Poseidon rolled their eyes and kept chuckling under their breath. Hades was almost there, just about to kiss her, slowly closing his eyes…

"_Hadie, wha'are you doin'?"_ The camera shook as Hades almost dropped it, mid-kiss with their sister. He sat up, quickly, the camera turning to his wife, who had just woken up and appeared to have been hit by a bus. There was fluid running down her IV tube into her arm gauntlet. Poseidon and Zeus high fived, laughing even louder now.

"_Nothing, Persephone… Good morning…"_ Hades in the video managed. He sat on the bed beside her, placing the camera facing her on his lap.

"_What were you doing to mummy?"_

"_Just giving her a kiss good morning."_

"_Me thought Hadie is only allowed to kiss good morning me because marriage."_

"_Not entirely. Demeter is my sister."_

"_Hadie is two timing?"_

"_No, not at all!"_

"_Missy Hera taughted me what to do when two timing. Me show Hadie!"_ Persephone clapped her hands. There was a puff of smoke as the camera shut off.

"So, what happened after that?" Poseidon asked. Hades reached into his bathrobe pocket and pulled out a snake. It hissed at all of them as he placed it on the floor.

"Turn her back, please." He asked Zeus, who chuckled.

"Snakes… Persephone…" he laughed, waving a finger at his sister snake. In another poof of smoke, Demeter rose from the ground, her fists clenched.

"Ooh… Hera taught her the naked reversion thing, too." Poseidon laughed. Demeter looked like she had something to say, but held it in as she slapped Hades and huffed off down the hall back to her their room. Poseidon and Zeus couldn't help but laugh even harder. Winning at the bowling alley had proven to be useful after all.

"So, brother dearest, do you have any other fun games planned for us today?" Zeus asked, reaching his arm around Hades' waist, jokingly. "We could go shoe shopping today, if you want!"

"Oh, hush…" Hades grumbled.

"I can't believe he found you out because of a stupid ring!" Poseidon chuckled, pouring himself another cup of coffee. "I thought you looked pretty convincing to me! Just don't turn into my wife, okay? Things might get a little nasty."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me, Poseidon." Zeus said.

"I can."

"At least it gives me one less person to tell about our little unification problem." Zeus continued. "Now, with all those fun bets out of the way, Hades has time to learn his special dance Ares and the boys are making him do and we can relax-"

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Poseidon and Hades chuckled as Artemis and Apollo stormed in from outside in their parkas and snow pants. They each held the end of a sled.

"Artemis is trying to take my sled!" Apollo whined, giving his father the puppy dog eyes.

"Yeah, well, that's because I had it first!" Artemis snapped back.

"Apollo, give the sled back to your sister." Zeus replied, drinking his coffee. Apollo's jaw dropped as Artemis ripped the sled from his hands.

"Thank you, father!" she exclaimed as she ran out the front doors of the hotel.

"How come she gets it?!" Apollo cried, stomping his boot. Zeus took a careful minute to think as he finished his coffee.

"Because she's the one who's annoying me less, currently. Why don't you go tap a tree and get some syrup? This is Canada, after all-"

"Don't worry, Apollo!" Hades exclaimed, locking his arm around his nephew's shoulder in a casual way. "You'll get to use a sled!" Apollo's eyes lit up.

"Really? Thank you! You're the best uncle ever, Hades!" Poseidon made a noise in his throat indicating he was injured inside.

_My uncle Hades_

_He is super awesome_

_Better than my dad_

Hades patted him on the back.

"You're getting there, Apollo… Getting there…"

"So when can I get my sled?"

"Soon enough. I just need all the gentlemen to join us here in their winter clothes. I just had a shot of inspiration!" Apollo snickered.

"Gentlemen… I guess dad won't be coming…" Zeus growled and glared at him. "Wait… Shot of what? What inspiration?"

"A new way to ground children?" Poseidon suggested, playfully. Apollo cringed. He still hadn't been punished for aiding the demigods on their fun quest.

"No! A way to win the Olympians!"

* * *

"Hermes? Like, OMM, where are, like, you?! Hermes!" The Stoll brothers looked up from their hockey magazine, since they'd been catching up on Canada's national pass-time when they learnt polar bear races and moose antler jousting weren't real, as the goddess of love entered the hotel lobby, which Hestia had miraculously somehow kept clean of any sign of adolescents, chewing gum obnoxiously and texting in one hand. She stomped her foot and rolled her eyes. "Like, OMM! I can't even... Hermes!"

"Dad's gone out with Zeus and the other gods." Travis said.

"Like, when will he be, like, back? I need some, like, stuff delivered."

"He said he'd be gone for-" Connor cupped his hand across his older brother's mouth and pushed his head against the couch to silence him.

"What are you doing, stupid?" he hissed, peeking over the top of the sofa to insure Aphrodite was absorbed in her texts. "This is our big chance to impress Dad! What if we deliver things for the gods before he gets back? How hard could delivering a parcel be?" Travis' eyes lit up.

"I'm glad Dad loves our mum, or else I wouldn't have you!"

"Wait, what's that supposed to-"

"Hey, Aphrodite!" She gave him a blank stare covered in mascara, her jaw dropped open. Travis suppressed the urge to laugh at what the world considered to be the most beautiful goddess. This is where the young Stoll boys made their first mistake. Their cunning and handsome father could have told you a thing or two about the laws of comedy and foreshadowing your own fate, or simply assuming it will be less than what it ends up amounting to in the end. In fact, nothing ever is when you deal with the immortals! "We can deliver it for you!" She blinked. Connor thought it was a marvel her eyes weren't glued shut each time she blinked due to all that product.

"Are you, like, serious?" Her voice scooped an octave. The boys nodded.

"And it'll only cost you thirty dollars! Canadian!" Connor cheered. Travis hit his arm.

"Hey, are we even old enough to-"

"I should, like, hire you." Aphrodite said as she pulled a wad of cash from her bra strap. "Hermes charges, like, twenty more dollars! That means I, like, pay seventy." And so Connor gladly accepted eighty dollars from his great great aunt once he pointed out the mistake in her math. "Okay, I'll go, like, get my thing." And she swayed her hips wildly to the elevator, her vibrant pink heels nearly putting cracks in the floor. In a chair within earshot of the conversation, Athena sighed and turned a page in her book.

"Turning into your father..." she mumbled. Travis was too busy thinking of all the stuff they could buy as Connor inhaled the sweet scent of money. "Speaking of which... That reminds me. It's about time I had a delivery of my own made." The boys were already staring at her eagerly, a hole burning in both their wallets. Athena sighed and slid a twenty across the table. "Aphrodite paid for mine." she smirked. It felt so awesome being the smart goddess.

"But... We were cunning..." Connor began, falling to his knees.

"And clever..." Travis added, throwing in the towel of dignity.

"We played with the weakness of our foe!"

"And didn't take too much!"

"We're responsible thieves!"

"Father taught us well!"

"Our mother is single!"

"Our older brother was Kronos!"

"We're in an unfamiliar country!"

"Comparable to immigrants!"

"Like American Acadians!"

"So, please Ma'am? May we have some more?" Athena chuckled and the boys practically bowing before her chair.

"Fine. But only because you know who the Acadians are." The Stolls blinked. Athena face palmed. "I should have known better… I'll pay you in another method. Would you like to see how babies are made?" The boys weren't sure what to do. Connor broke the ice and nodded. Travis had to be the bigger man.

"Now, hold on, little brother! This is some R rated stuff! Let your big brother dip his toe in the water first, then we'll see about it. Lady Athena, pardon my brother for his eagerness for children."

"Uh-huh." Athena managed. "Get up. Follow me. Let's go deliver a baby." And Connor watched as his brother's fate was closed as he left the room with their aunt, who was explaining he would need to take off his shirt to catch the baby, whatever that meant. Maybe Athena had industrial birthing powers that sent countless babies propelling at impossible velocities against hospital walls like uncontrollable rockets that only eat, sleep, crap and cry, who later moved on to become famous scientists, philosophers and human rights activists. He was in the middle of thinking that maybe it would be better if Travis didn't use a shirt at all when Aphrodite sauntered back in.

Carrying a ticking time bomb.

Sorry, sorry, context. She was holding a baby. If you paid attention in the last paragraph, you would get that joke.

"Okay, so, like, here's the, like, address… Like, hold this." She passed the baby to Connor as she wrote down an address on a slip of paper. Connor tried to back away, but it was no use, because he couldn't back away from what he was holding in his arms. To be honest, Connor always found babies a little creepy. They were like shriveled little aliens with sirens and milk addictions, and so he never understood why women cooed and borderline fangirled over babies.

"One question, Aphrodite…" he began, watching as the sleeping weirdo in his arms kicked and drooled on his shirt. "How are we supposed to…" She threw a pair of car keys at him. Connor caught them with his foot before they smacked into the table and woke the baby.

"Use mine. It's a, like, pink convertible that, like, has sparkles. And the sparkles are, like, purple. Don't, like, mix it up with Zeus'." Connor cocked his brow. Aphrodite rolled her eyes. "OMM, like, seriously? You haven't, like, heard? Demeter, like, painted his car, like, pink and sparkly after she found out it was, like, him and Poseidon who made Hades, like, kiss her."

"Right…"

"Okay, so, like, when you get out here, the house, like, has a green roof. Contrary to, like, gossip, it's not the little shack on, like, the road beside it. I, like, have more dignity than, like, that." Aphrodite began, passing him the sheet of paper. "And if, like, anything goes wrong, I, like, don't give a damn." Connor read the girly handwriting on the paper before him.

"I… Ika… Iqya… I can't read this! It's in Indian!" Aphrodite cocked her brow and looked at him expectantly. "I mean… Native American!"

"It's First Nations, now that you're in Canada." Athena said, coming back into the room holding Travis' shirt in her arms, Travis trailing behind her, sickly pale, his mouth hanging open.

"What did you do to him?" Connor asked, watching his brother sit down beside him and rest his shaking head on his shoulder.

"He might have Posttraumatic Stress Disorder." Athena began, flipping open a note pad and leafing through with her thumb, trying to find the address of another baby's father. "Watching me make children can be quite shocking if you aren't used to it. He's stronger than his father; he hasn't passed out yet." She passed the paper to Travis, who took it like it was some sign of hope. "There's the address. I don't think it should be hard to find-" Travis burst out laughing like a mad man and fell to the ground.

"What did you do to my brother?!" Connor asked, watching as Travis gripped the paper and stared at it as he cackled wildly, rolling back and forth on the floor. "Travis! Snap out of it or you'll wake Aphrodite's hell spawn!" Travis climbed back onto the couch, shaking from laughter.

"Dude… Look at this address…" Travis wheezed. "Fertile, Saskatchewan! That sounds like a stripper's name!"

"And you would know this because..?" The boys spun around on the couch. Demeter was standing behind them with her brow furrowed.

"B-because… uh…" She shook her head.

"Turning into-"

"Their father." Athena finished. "I know, I know."

"Oh, are you making deliveries? I've got one out back-"

"Wait, we have to deliver three babies now?!" Connor asked, a look of exhaustion coming over his face.

"Whoa, okay, who's letting them deliver children?" Percy and Annabeth were standing at the entrance to the lobby, about to go out. Athena coughed and nodded at their hands.

"Yes, Mother." Annabeth dropped her hand from Percy's.

"Where do you think you children are going?" Athena asked, putting on her mother attitude.

"Just out. You know, for lunch." Percy replied.

"Come on, boys. I'll walk you out and show you how to use Aphrodite's car while Demeter gets her baby." Athena began, marching ahead of them and whispering something in Percy's ear, which made him pale.

"I can't believe we got stuck in this mess…" Travis began, groaning as he tried to figure out how to hold Athena's baby without breaking it.

"Let's just hope Fertile, Saskatchewan isn't a stripper." Connor replied, pulling the car keys from his pocket. "Do you know how to drive?"

"Dude, I'm your brother." Travis sighed as he passed the babies to Athena to strap in the back of the car. "Of course I don't!"

* * *

"What are you laughing at?" Hades grumbled, seated beside his brothers as they rose in the chairlift.

"Your SCARF…" Poseidon managed. "Hades you look so adorable…"

"Shut up…" He loosened the pink, blue and yellow SCARF around his neck. "I had to wear it so Persephone would stop doing Hera-like things to Demeter… And she worked very hard to make this for me!"

"It looks like it was used for target practise during World War 2, it's got so many holes in it!" Zeus chuckled.

"Hey, Dad, why aren't you wearing the nice one Ma made for you?!" Ares called from the seat behind them. "You know, the one made of holes! The barf-green one that glows in the dark so she can supervise you!"

"Very funny, Ares!" Zeus hollered back. Meanwhile, Hermes was squirming in his seat in between Dionysus and Apollo.

"We're gonna go skiiiiiiing!" He sang. "We're gonna go fast through the snow!" Dionysus groaned.

"Why doesn't someone monitor your syrup intake?" he grumbled, pulling his ski mask and sun protective glasses over his face. "I'm too hung over for this…"

"Oh, come on, Dionie! It won't be so bad!" Apollo said, nudging him in the stump he had left of his right arm, which may or may not ever grow back until plot convenience demands it. "Maybe you can snow board down since you can't ski? Speaking of which, has anybody got skis to begin with?"

"Hey, Heph," Ares, who was sitting in the car ahead of them, began. "Ma and I were talkin' the other day."

"I've heard enough from her to last me a life time."

"From Ma? When?"

"I'll show you the letter when we go back. What were you talking about?" Ares was suddenly very busy tightening the straps on his gloves.

"Our family. You know, us, Eris, Eileithyia and the Hebester. And… and Enyo." They were quiet.

"She still hasn't said anything, has she?" Hephaestus asked, sounding tired.

"Who? Ma or Enyo?"

"Both. How long has Enyo been..?"

"A long time… And Eris is back. I don't know how, but she's home… and hasn't come home yet. I got a call from her the other day… she's looking for Enyo, too."

"Too? I had no idea you were out looking for her still. If Hera knows where she is and hasn't revealed her location, then why-"

"She's my sister, isn't she? Our sister, if you want to get technical."

"She was the one with the torch and flame obsession… Red eyes?"

"Blue. That was the only way Ma could tell Eris and Enyo apart. Enyo had really, really blue eyes. I didn't need it, though. I always knew if it was Eris or Enyo who snuck in my bedroom to sleep with me in my bed after we'd split bedrooms. I guess that's another thing that sets Ma and I apart."

"Are you crying?"

"Yeah! So what? I haven't seen my sister since we were 1100! Right after the Trojan War! I woke up and expected to find her in bed beside me because of all the times she and Eris snuck out of their room, but she wasn't. Their room was empty, beds made and untouched. I've seen Eris since then, but…"

"You'll find her. Talk to Eris and Eileithyia. She might know something. But we'll find her." Hephaestus was trying. Really, he was. But based on how disagreeable and unpredictable Ares' high emotional reactions could be and his lack of knowledge of Enyo, who he was sure he'd never even met, put him in a place where he felt like he should help, wanted to help, but couldn't. It was a yucky feeling and stuck with him when they got off the chairlift and swooshed away to meet the Big Three, who were waiting for them at the top of the ski hill Hades had rented just for them using his magical god of Hell powers and Master Card.

"Who's ready to go skiing?" Hades asked, strapping on a black ski helmet. Hermes, Apollo and Ares cheered. Poseidon cussed, trying to win a fight with the straps and buckles on his snowboard. "I have prepared this whole mountain for you guys, but-"

"Let me guess." Ares started, putting his arm around his uncle's shoulder. "There's a catch."

"This whole mountain is full of booby traps." Apollo continued. "Not the breast kind."

"And you are going to challenge us to a contest to see if we can get down in one piece against you, or you're going to be cruel and lazy and just not do it at all." Hermes added.

"And if one of us can make it down in one piece, we get to do whatever we want to you. Again." Poseidon said, joining Ares by putting his arm around his brother's shoulder.

"But, if none of us can make it down without wiping out from all the spooky scary traps from hell you've set up, you get to do whatever you want to us. Again." Zeus finished. Hades blinked.

"Wow, look at all you clever Olympians!" he replied, trying to sound chipper and innocent.

"I feel like I missed some really important plot points while I was wasted." Dionysus grumbled.

"But you're correct, except I'll be skiing down a safe, empty side of the mountain to make sure none of you cheat and to count you off as you fall into my trap!" Hades tried to laugh menacingly. Really, he did. But when you're 3000 years old, give or take a few, you lose the vocal power you once had when you could kidnap your nieces with ease and sleep with whomever you please. Poseidon gave him a pat on the back.

"You tried, bro. It's coming, it's coming…" he said, encouraging him softly. Hades regained his posture.

"Alright, you're all to start at the same time so no one cheats." He glared at Hermes. "No. One. Cheats." Hermes gave him a toothy grin and lowered his ski goggles.

"See you at the bottom, Hades!" Zeus laughed.

"In your dreams, Thunderpants!" Hades replied, readying himself behind a fence beside them, separating the two tracks. "If you make it to the bottom, I'll turn into your wife again!"

"Hey guys, listen to this!"

_We are gonna ski_

_So go back to Hell, Hades_

_The Olympians rule!_

"Closer, my son…" Zeus managed, patting him on the shoulder. Apollo beamed, which hurt Zeus' eyes because the sun god was beaming at him.

"Dionysus! Watch out when I come at you with 187.9 pounds of PAIN!" Ares yelled, getting pumped up.

"Oh, and what does that stand for?" Dionysus began, snarly. "Pretty Annoying Irritating Nuissance?" It was horrible, he knew, but it was the best the poor one armed guy could do. And the only T Rated one for this fanfic.

"Go team..?" Poseidon managed, since he didn't have anything else to say.

"_George?"_

"_Yes. What is it, Martha?"_

"_Hermes is getting hyper."_ It was true. Hermes was panting like a dog and itching to start, seeing just how close he could go the edge of the top without going down, muttering quickly under his breath.

"_I have his mother and Lady Athena on speed dial."_

"On your marks!" Hades began, doing a final check of the camera strapped to his helmet. "Get set!"

"He's still in Egypt, baby!" Hermes cried. Everyone had a split second to stare at their sugar high friend before Hermes finished. "Go!"

Let's make this brief.

Hermes' cries of insanity surpassed the chatting of the beavers that chased him and was home free for a few seconds before he was hit by volleys of snow balls being fired from canons by the skeletons of soldiers who died in 1812.

Apollo and Ares were having fun pushing each other violently until Apollo got smacked in the nuts by a tree.

Ares laughed at him until a giant snow ball came out of nowhere, chased him for a while as he yelled for his Ma until it squashed him.

Zeus cleared the pit of lava by somehow propelling himself over it, avoided all the pine trees that fell around him to crush him, managed to clear a whole lake covered in ice on a snow board, out run a ton of hot, hot maple syrup following him down a hill, before he saw the finish line, laughed like a maniac, flipped Hades the finger, and found himself face to ass with a conveniently placed moose.

Dionysus just tripped. That's all.

By the time all the gods had made it to the bottom, Hades was grinning as he replayed the video.

"Hey, Apollo. Listen to this noise you make when you smack into that tree!" Hades laughed, replaying it. Apollo couldn't help but laugh a little as he tried to get all the sap from his hair.

"Hey, Apollo!" Ares called as he stood naked, trying to get all the snow out of his snow suit. "Got any balls left?"

"Idiot, he never had any to begin with!" Dionysus yelled, looking like he was ready to start crying or throw a temper.

"Stop bullying me, guys!" Apollo whined. Zeus put his arm around his son's shoulder.

"Don't worry, Apollo. But we need to have a talk. Rest assured that Poseidon didn't have much down there when he was a little girl, either!" Everyone began laughing even harder.

"Stop it! I'm going to tell my sister you're being mean to me and Popo!"

"Speaking of Poseidon, is he still in that lake?" Hades asked.

"The whut?" Zeus asked. Hades waved him over as he replayed the video. They watched as Poseidon skied closely behind Zeus, clearing the same obstacles before he was smacked in the face by a huge pillar of snow, plowed through, lost control and broke the ice on the lake as Poseidon fell in. A smirk grew on Zeus' face.

"I guess so. Man, how deep is that lake if he still isn't back?" Hades, if you can believe it, paled.

"Oh no…" he managed. "We've got to go help Poseidon!" He jumped on a conveniently placed snow mobile and began driving up the hill. By the time the other gods had arrived, Hades had finished hauling a half frozen Poseidon out of the water. Poseidon was turning blue, chattering nonsense in Greek as Hades removed his coat and SCARF and placed them on his freezing brother.

"Poseidon, are you alright?" Zeus asked, getting down to his level in the snow.

"D-do I-I look-k alr-right to-o you-o, idiot-t?" Poseidon managed, cringing. He threw up in the snow.

"Not cool, man. Not cool." Apollo said, backing away from the puddle of puke that almost hit his skis. "And, by the way, is it true that you didn't have any balls when you were little?" Poseidon stared up at him with panic and confusion.

"H-how d-did you-o know-ow? About-t my-y fear-r of-f wa-a…"

"You used to be afraid of water?" Ares asked. "You? Poseidon, god of the Ma-Sealing seas?!" Poseidon glared at all of them and nodded. Hades patted his back.

"They had to find out someday…" he said, removing his jacket for his brother.

"How come you never told me you used to be afraid of water?" Zeus demanded.

"Bec-cause you-ou would t-tell everyone and-d make a fool of me-e just-t-t-t like you did-d when I had that-t-t crush on Hest-t-tia!" Everyone fell silent. Poseidon cleared his throat. "It's over, n-now. I'm married-d."

"Never stopped anyone before…" Ares hissed. Zeus pushed him into a snowbank.

"And how come you knew?" he asked Hades.

"Because I saw the poor man get drunk and fall into the ocean. I had to pull him out because the water made him sober and terrified. This was shortly after we became the gods of the three domains."

"Yeah, but how come I wasn't there for this?"

"It was at the after party for your wedding. You and Hera were busy creating Ares."

"So Ma was wrong!" Ares proclaimed, making his way up from the snowbank. "I'm not a mistake!" He was thrown back in the snow almost immediately.

"Anyway, now that Poseidon is safe…" Hades began, laughing. "I would like to declare that I have officially won against you all in a bet, which means that now, I get to do whatever I want to you!" Hermes began jumping up and down frantically in the back of the cluster of gods, his sugar high peaking. "Yes, Hermes?"

"Athena taught me about this!" Hermes began, his voice hoarse from yelling all the way down the slope. "It's called plot convenience!" Hades applauded.

"That's right! Now, I spent a very long time thinking about what I should do that doesn't break the Godly Code of Conduct of 1 A.O, and I have finally decided after spinning a randomizer of all the crazy things I could have had you do. You, the Olympians, gods and goddesses included, are going to-" His phone rang. Hades pulled it from his pocket and answered as quickly as he could. He didn't need the rest of the Olympians hearing the newest ringtone Persephone had set for him.

"Hello?"

"_Hey, Hades?"_

"Yeah? Who's this?"

"_Hephaestus. Um… so, where are you guys?"_

"Oh, Poseidon fell in the lake and we all had to go rescue him- I beg your pardon?"

"_Where are you? I'm waiting for you down at the ski lodge, and I watched you all come down from the ski lift, but by the time I got to the bottom, you were all-"_

"You took the ski lift!? That's… that's…"

"_It's not my fault. My leg brace got caught below the seat, so I couldn't get off on the first trip. By the time I made it back up, you guys had already vanished, so I figured I'd wait here. What happened to Poseidon?"_ Hades hung up.

"Hades?" Apollo asked.

"What?"

"Have you seen _Anastasia_?"

"No… I haven't a clue what that is. Why would you ask such an irrelevant question-"

"Well, your ringtone is _In the Dark of the Night_, so I thought…"

"Yes, Apollo, Uncle Hades has a thing for dead Russian princesses and children's films." Zeus replied. "Now, who wants some waffles?"

* * *

"Bro, I can ask you anything, right?"

"Not until you clean that explosive dump off the window."

"But-"

"It's your fault for holding her that way! Geez, what kind of fertilizer does Demeter use on those things? That's rocket poop-"

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'll clean it as soon as I finish cleaning her." Travis sighed.

"Fine. What's your question?"

"It's about babies. Are you sure you're ready?" Connor asked, hunched over the passenger seat of Aphrodite's car, trying to do his excuse of changing Demeter's daughter. They had somehow managed to deliver the other babies; Aphrodite's was a handful when they found the new girlfriend of Aphrodite's past lover with her homosexual partner at his house, Athena's they were instructed by fancy cursive on a note on the door to leave it on the doorstep, and now they found themselves standing in the middle of a forest covered in snow and pine trees, for all Demeter have given them was a set of coordinates, as they waited for the father to grow out of the ground or a handsome satyr to burst from the woods.

"Sure… But why are you asking me this?"

"Because mom would kill me if I asked her." Connor said, lifting the baby, who they had begun to call Aggie for some reason. "So, babies only drink milk for, like, the first year, right?" Travis shrugged.

"Well, yeah, I guess. I hope this is a question about breast feeding, because I have no sweet clue what any of that's about."

"No, no, it's about the laws of science. If milk is a liquid, and we pee liquid, how come when babies only drink milk, they do that?" Connor pointed to the inside window of the car, which had taken a serious doo-doo blast from Canon Aggie. "Because poo is solids."

"Connor… Connor… Just… No. Okay?" Travis asked, exhausted, as he leaned against the side of the sparkly pink car. "You can ask Athena when we get back, but for now… what are we supposed to do with a demi-godly baby, a set of coordinates and a magic pink car? We can't just assume the father lived in a log cabin which happened to conveniently burn up and kill him, now can we?"

"Listen, I don't know what you're thinking, but I'm not leaving Aggie by herself."

"Of course we aren't leaving Aggie here. She'll freeze in that feminine product diaper you made." Aggie made a baby noise and began chewing on Connor's shirt collar.

"I think she's hungry. I think we should find her a house out here." Aggie sneezed. "Okay, Aggie, ew." Connor said, barely able to look at the monster that had emerged from Aggie's nose. "How did a baby that small make something that-" Aggie sneezed again. This time, an entire pine tree became a sunflower. Aggie laughed and started smacking Connor in the face playfully.

"Ha. I'm in a better mood now." Travis said, smirking. "I should ask Demeter for some corn stalk babies when we go back. This is cute."

"No one can ever replace Aggie. I love her."

"You named her after eggplant, didn't you?"

"Well, I couldn't exactly call her Aspie, now could I?"

"Asparagus?"

"Yeah! Wait, who am I speaking to?"

"Me, you American."

"Are you the father?" The girl they were speaking to rolled her eyes and sighed.

"No. I'm here for that baby." Connor hugged Aggie as close as comfort would allow.

"Look, lady. I don't care who you are or what your deal with Aggie is, but as long as we only have a set of coordinates and no idea where her father is, we aren't handing her over!"

"Yeah, and how did you know we were going to be here, anyway?" Travis added, making sure he had the keys to Aphrodite's car ready in case this girl turned out to be a monster.

"Because I saw that tree turn into a sunflower. Only children of Demeter have the power to do that. Speaking of Demeter, she told me that we should expect a child today, and this is the usual drop off spot for Hermes when he brings them." Travis walked up to the older girl and leaned in to her ear.

"This isn't some kind of nasty joint the gods are involved in, is it?" he whispered, sharply. The girl pushed him away.

"No! We were informed that the father of that child passed away and were asked specifically by Lady Demeter to care for her!"

"Prove it!" The girl sighed, frustrated, removing her coat and showing them her sleeve.

"Katrina Thompson… Daughter of Poseidon… Third Year Allumni?" The girl, Katrina, nodded.

"Obviously, you're lying." Travis said. "Poseidon doesn't have any other children outside the fanfiction universe."

"Whatever. Now give her here. Don't worry, we have a whole nursery for babies that we bring up ourselves." Connor gave Aggie a final, attempting touching look. It didn't work. Aggie was trying to wedge her hand down her throat.

"Can you at least keep calling her Aggie?"

"We'll have to ask permission from Lady Demeter, but I'm sure Agnes is fine." Connor shook his head.

"No no. Not my Aggie. She's an Agatha."

"Right…" Katrina took Aggie from Connor, who's shirt was attached to the interesting diaper he had made for her. "Is that diaper made of…"

"Yeah." Travis nodded, pulling it off Connor and Connor away from Aggie, who was in a battle of possession for the hand she was still trying to rip out of vocal cords with.

"Thank you, but next time, please send Hermes." And, like that, the closest thing Connor ever thought he would have for a daughter vanished. He hung his head as Travis comforted him, patting his back, as they made their way back to the car.

"Bro?"

"Yeah?"

"What just happened?"

"You just lost your first non-biologically connected friend to a hot chick in university."

"Bro?"

"Yeah?"

"Do I still have to clean the only thing I have left of Aggie off the window?" Travis sighed.

"Yes, Connor. I'll help you."

* * *

_Far away, long ago,_

_Glowing dim as an ember,_

_Things my heart_

_Used to know,_

_Things it yearns to remember..._

"Apollo?"

"What? What? Hurry, cuz the song's hit the climax and I wanna hear it-"

"Aren't you a little old for these kinds of princess movies?" Apollo slammed his finger onto his phone screen, pausing the enlightenment he was attempting to show his uncle as the gods sat in a pub, eating waffles.

"It's not just a princess movie. It's the Russian Revolution, but with sparkles! Eeeee!" Apollo squeed. "It's retelling history!"

"Like Pocahontas told us anything." Hades grumbled. "And this is not the Russian Revolution at all. I have the complete set of Romanovs in a glass cupboard at my place."

"Hades, ew." Zeus said.

"No no! You want to hear this! I also have Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette! And a bunch of Roman emperors. Thanatos and I have time share on Skakespeare. Bidding is still open on Princess Diana, but the auction ends on Saturday…"

"Wait…" Apollo gave him the sad puppy eyes. "You mean… Anastasia didn't survive? And Rasputin..?" Hades shook his head.

"He's somewhere in Persephone's shoe closet. He actually wasn't that bad of a guy! He's a riot if you have a few drinks with him!" He leaned into Apollo. "But don't tell Persephone he's back there. He's her Christmas Present. But, no. Anastasia didn't survive the revolution."

"But that's like saying Santa isn't real!" Apollo sobbed. Poseidon leaned into Zeus.

"Have you talked to him about that yet?" Zeus shook his head. "Then how did you tell Ares?"

"Hera always said he was too bad for any gifts from anyone."

"Dad?" Ares whispered, nudging him. "I think Hermes crashed. His sugar high wore off." Hermes was nuzzling Dionysus' arm and crying for his mother to hold him. Zeus grumbled under his breath and relived Dionysus of his duty.

"Hermes." Hermes looked up at his father and crawled onto his lap and proceeded to hug him.

"Daddy… I'm sorry…"

"Sorry for what?"

"Being a bad god…"

"You aren't a bad god, Hermes. Try and think about all the fun happy things you'll do and have! You'll feel better!"

"I have nothing… George and Martha ran out of battery, I'm not married and Mommy was friend-zoned, so she can't live with us."

"Nonsense! Hermes, do you know what tomorrow is?"

"No Sugar For Hermes Day?"

"Zip it, Dionysus. Tomorrow is Thursday. And do you know what we're going to do on Thursday?"

"Cry?"

"No! Play a prank on some mortals!" Hermes' face lit up.

"Speaking of that," Hades began. "Who's doing the horse thing? You or me?"

"I say you do it, Hades." Zeus replied. "After all, you are the god of the dead!"

"That has no relevance to horses at all."

"My friend Loki was pregnant and gave birth to an eight-legged horse and conceived the goddess of hell." Hermes pipped in. "That's relevant."

"Hermes, we don't mix pantheons, alright? Then it will be No Sugar For Hermes Day."

"Zeus, you should do it because you have more of a history of turning into peacocks- I mean, animals." Zeus sighed and glared at Ares.

"Dad, I'm sorry. We were alone in a hotel room and I needed to tell him a story before it got more awkward." Ares said.

"Look, which ever one of you does it, I'm fine." Poseidon began, leaning back in his chair. "I'm only the one making the potion."

"Wait, you're making it?" Poseidon rolled his eyes.

"Uh, yeah! I'm Poseidon! God of horses! Of course I can make a potion that will do horse things to you!"

"Shouldn't you have Athena proof read your formula before you go ahead and make this potion of yours?" Hades asked.

"Phht! What does she know? Besides, if we let her see it, she wouldn't let us do it!" There was an awkward silent.

"So, one does one do for fun in Canadian bars?" Hades asked.

"Dionysus?"

"Well, I remember that I visited this weird sounding island once." He began, furrowing his brow to recover old drunken memories. "It was called… New Found Land, or something stupid like that. We all got completely smashed and this one guy stripped and started dancing on a table. Then, everyone in the bar split in half and were yelling about leaves and habs, and then they decided to duke it out Viking style with no clothes on."

"Yeah, let's think of something else to do."

"I heard the beer here is awesome." Apollo said.

"Dad, can I have a beer?"

"No, Ares. You're not old enough." Zeus replied.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Hermes?"

"Can I have a beer?"

"Of course you may, my son." Ares' jaw dropped.

"But-"

"Remember what happened last time."

"Dad, I was five. I'm like, what, 2000? I can stomach a beer!" Zeus shooed him away with his hand.

"Of course you can, Ares. Just don't come running to me when your mother comes chasing after you with a chair to smack you with." Ares stood up and went for a beer anyway. He wasn't afraid of Hera. Yet.

"Wait." Hades began, rising from his seat, trying to look majestic. "I have an idea!"

"And?" Zeus had every right to be suspicious.

"Well, baby brother, I say we have a drinking contest. _Mono e mono_." Zeus rolled his eyes.

"Let me guess. If I lose, you get to do whatever you want to all of us." Hades nodded excitedly and flagged down a waitress. Five minutes later, they were surrounded by twenty shot glasses, each full of the strongest alcohol Canada had to offer. Poseidon tried to reason with his brothers, but, like always, was ignored and failed.

"Guys," he said, desperately. "Remember what happened last time you got wasted? At the bowling alley! Hades promised some university chick a palace by Styx and Zeus tried to get away with another's virginity!" Zeus shrugged.

"I don't have a problem with that! A survey conducted in 2010 shows that within every 50 kilometers, there is someone I have been very close friends with!"

"Enough of that!" Hades gripped the first shot glass. "Three, two, one, drink!"

* * *

When Hades came to, the clock read 11 o'clock. In the evening. Demeter was going to kill him.

On the table beside him, Zeus had vomited a lovely palette of colors Hades couldn't and didn't want to recognize. They were both covered in dripping snow, layers of everyone's jackets and when Hades licked his lips, he found one to be split open and bleeding. He prayed Kronos hadn't come back to kill them that night. Someone was nudging his shoulder and saying his name.

"Herrrrrrrrrrrrrrmeeeees?" The god of messengers looked just a little bit scared.

"Um, I just thought I should wake you up, because we really need to get back to Temporary Olympus, so please don't kill me."

"Whooooo one?"

"Hades, that wasn't proper grammar. You meant to say won, not one." Oh crap. What was Athena doing here?

"Oh sis, come help me!" Apollo cried, as Zeus' limb body crashed to the floor, erupting in more pretty vomit colors.

"Idiot, you're holding him the wrong way!" Artemis was here, too, probably because she had experience with taking care of drunk gods.

"Wear's everyone else?"

"Hades, seriously? That grammar…"

"They all left a while ago." Hermes said. "I had to stay because I lost the arm wrestling game."

"To Dionysus?" Hermes nodded and hung his head in shame.

"Seriously…" Hades attempted to put himself up in a sitting position. "Who won the drinking contest?" There were five full shot glasses left on the table. Two were sitting in front of Hades. The other three were covered in Zeus' mess. Hades was, in all honesty, a bit too drunk to feel the pleasure of his glorious triumph of finally having a good reason to be the bad guy in fiction.

"I 1!" Athena flinched.

"Meeeeh, tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!" Zeus slurred. He grabbed Hades' SCARF from the back of his chair. "Diss bi mah pruze!"

"I don't know how I'm your daughter, your grammar is terrible!" Athena cried, stomping her feet, getting even more looks from the manager and his staff in their general direction.

"Noooooo!" Hades whined. "That's my SCARF!"

"Know!" Zeus yelled. They proceeded to pull on the scarf while whining until Zeus pulled his trump card. "Mommy!" he screamed. "Mommy, Hades's's's's's's's' trying to take my SCARF!" Hades let go. Zeus let out a painful noise as he fell back in his chair and hit the floor with a satisfying thunk and passed out.

"He can keep it for one night, right?" A little voice in Hades' head asked.

"Who are you?" Hades asked the voice.

"Your hangover." The voice replied. "See you tomorrow morning!" Hades didn't care much. All his schemes were finally coming to fruition! Finally, the Olympians were his! He proceeded to belt his evil laugh, believing that if he did it when he was this motivated, it would work.

Athena had to scrub the vomit from her hair for a while that night.

* * *

Hera jerked awake, her hands gripping the sheets as she rolled over on her side, panting. Beads of sweat were running off her forehead and her back. There was a bit of ichor on the pillow. Licking her lips, she found it bleeding. Her stomach churned and her heart pounded wildly. She hadn't had that dream in a while.

Beside her, Zeus rolled over.

"Hera?" he whispered, shocked by the sight of his wife actually facing him in bed, her hands pulling the blankets close to her face, tears forming in her eyes.

"Mm hmm?" she managed.

"What's wrong?" His hand was on her shoulder, coaxing her towards him. To his surprise, she came.

"I... I had a dream..." she whispered.

"And?"

"It... It was about... Them... When you're laughing the loudest."

"I see." She didn't need to say more than that. "Hera, do you still love me?"

"Of course I do. We're married."

"No, not that way. If we weren't... How do you really feel, marriage aside?"

"Is Chiron too afraid to come back for more counselling sessions?" Zeus chuckled under his breath.

"No. I'm asking you." Silence. "That dream you have... The one about the laughter," Hera tensed. "You just want to be the only one, don't you?"

"I wanted to be better... To get over my losses..." But it had only made more, she thought. I never felt happy because when I tried, it was never enough. There was always someone better, stronger, smarter, prettier.

"It's a thing of the past-"

"Then how come it's happening now?" Hera rolled over, facing away from him.

"Because you don't see it in yourself at all." The arms were around her again. Hera felt her chest tighten. They hadn't been this close in a while; she'd forgotten this feeling almost entirely. "If you really loved me, you would do everything and anything for me, but if I really loved you, I wouldn't need any of it; just the one behind it all. Just the person, not the woman."

"When did this become your problem?" The grip tightened. He kissed her.

"Since I turned into that stupid peacock."

* * *

"Artie! Everyone's making fun of me and saying I have no nuts!"

"What are you talking about? Since when have you even had anything down there?"

* * *

**And the, the Treaty of Versailles can be directly linked to both the start of World War 2 and current problems in the Middle East today-**

**Oh, hello again! Now, I promised Hermie that if I let her out of the cage and she was good, I will let her do the foreshadowing for the next chapter.**

**I will behave as much as my father's genes allow it.**

**Good enough. Now, type the foreshadowing like a good girl or I'll be forced to tie you to a chair with my SCARF.**

_**"Zeus! Zeus! What's that strange, high pitched crying sound coming from your SCARF?"**_

_**"Hera, we don't have to call it a SCARF anymore, the foreshadowing is- Oh my us..."**_


	6. Olympus Got Thursday Night!

**Before we forget, some stuff we must talk about!**

**Huuuuuuuuuuuuge shout-out goes to Kendra PJO for the Leo idea! Super funny and will be exploded in your faces in the next chapter!**

**There are some... interesting things happening in this chapter. Number one, if you are really confused about all the crazy goddess stuff that goes down, it would help if you read _Percy Jackson's Greek Gods_ to clear up on this myth, or just use the Percy Jackson wiki to find out more about Athena's incident with Hephie and Erichthonius. Number two, if you are also really confused about the deal with Thursday Night, we have been foreshadowing it since the first chapter of _14 Gods Around the World_ and advise you to revisit that story if you are confused.**

**Also, we have just uploaded a little prequel chapter to the original first chapter of this story titled _Olympus Got Context_, so feel free to check it out! We may not be updating much as a pair until September, since Thennie has a summer job at a camp again this year!**

**There's no cabin 11!**

**What?! You Athena kids... What did you-**

**Hey, you guys deserved it after you put spiders in our beds! Snakes, we're cool with, frogs, we've been there, but SPIDERS?!**

**Oh crap...**

**DISCLAIMER: Rick isn't aware of the formula to create new goddesses using ancient magic known as sweat! We however, are! Therefore, we are not Rick Riordan**

* * *

"Hera..."

"Wha..?"

"Get the baby..."

"You get... You need daddy time..."

"Hera..."

"Wha..?"

"Why do we have a baby?" Both of them sat up together in the bed and glanced around the room, trying to trace the sound of a baby crying.

"You didn't..." Hera hissed.

"I didn't!" Zeus replied. She jabbed her finger at him.

"You did!" she finished. Zeus knew it was pointless arguing with his wife, especially when he hadn't the faintest clue what was going on. "Well, it's not my kid! You find it before everyone thinks we had another-" There was a loud knock at the door. Zeus groaned.

"I'll deal with you later." he told Hera as he went to the door. "Find whatever it is that's making all that noise..." Just his luck. It was Athena.

"Would you please stop that horrifying noise?" she asked, her brow wrinkled impossibly tight. "And what the Hades are you two thinking, having another-"

"Look. Whoever's kid this is, it isn't ours."

"Well, it must be, because it was stuffed down the sleeve of your coat on the floor, wrapped in a sad excuse for a scarf." Hera snapped, joining them at the door. She held a tiny, screaming baby in her arms. "Smuggling a little something back from the bar last night, were you?"

"Thank gods it's a girl, at least." Athena managed. "Things may be less problematic... This isn't your child, correct?" she asked, a tint of nervousness in her voice. Both of them nodded.

"Zeus, I know you're a cocky guy and all, but you don't need to share with the universe what you and your wife did last night-"

"This isn't our baby!" Hera and Zeus yelled in unison. Poseidon had joined them in his fish print house coat and whale slippers.

"Well, does it have an off switch?" he asked.

"Working on it!" Hera replied through gritted teeth, her patience wearing thin as she rocked the baby back and forth. "It's okay, there there." she began, her tone unnaturally sweet. Personality shifts were something she was good at. "Be a good girl and stop crying. Everything is alright, you're safe. No one's going to yell anymore, okay?"

"I'm pleased to see at least one of us is mildly chipper on this lovely morning."

"Oh, wonderful. Just what we needed." Zeus grumbled as Hades joined them, his hair wild and messy.

"Care to fill me in about our newest arrival? I would say congratulations, but-"

"Apparently," Athena began before either other god could yell. "Zeus and Hera found this child in the sleeve of Zeus' jacket in a scarf."

"Well, that's my scarf, but not my kid." Hades yawned. "You took it last night when we were leaving the restaurant."

"So, she's yours, then?"

"Absolutely not!" Poseidon interrupted. They stared at him expectantly, waiting for evidence, or else the kid was Poseidon's. "She's way too cute!"

"I'd say she looks like you, Poseidon." Hera commented. They were all still competing over the sound of the crying. "Look at those pretty eyes! Shh... You're going to be alright. Where are your mother and father, hmm?"

"She's paler than Hades." Zeus said.

"She sounds like you after you've had too much to drink. And I can hear that from the Underworld." Hades retorted.

"One of you, bring me that coat and scarf. Maybe we can figure something out." Hera sighed. "We should at least get some food into her and find her something warm to- What's so funny?" Poseidon and Hades were cracking up, trying to hide it as they all stepped inside Zeus' hotel room.

"Your hair... It's..." Poseidon began before he burst into laughter. Hades joined him, followed a little by their other brother.

"All of you, stop it! You're scaring her- What?!" Hera caught a glimpse of her hair in the mirror. It was frizzed and sticking up all over the place, like she had just touched a Zeus-powered science experiment.

"My Lord, do you have anything you would like to restate about the whereabouts of this child's parents?" Poseidon asked in a horrible British accent, placing his hand on Zeus' shoulder. He was laughing too hard at Hera's hair. Suddenly, the sink turned on, followed by the explosion of a few glasses of water.

"I do beg your pardon, good sir," Zeus replied, his accent even worse than Poseidon's. "But the next time you leave your unwanted offspring in my home, do just leave them in a hamper by the door!"

"But she was causing all that electricity stuff! She can't be my kid!"

"Father, I'm siding with you." Athena added, inspecting the coat and scarf as she sat on the bed beside Hera.

"You know what that means, brother dear?"

"What is it, good chap, though I have an idea!"

"Give the kid to Hades!"

"What? No!" Hades and his sister replied in unison. The baby's crying only became louder.

"Shh... We'll find your parents soon... Hades, give me that scarf! She's freezing!"

"Here. I'll hold it." Hades held out his scarf as Hera lowered the baby onto it and began wrapping it around her. The crying became significantly softer.

"There! You were only cold, weren't you, sweetie?" Hera cooed.

"Hey, smarty pants! How will we find out who's responsible for this?" Poseidon asked. Athena glared at him.

"Obviously, I'll do a blood test and pray to myself she isn't yours."

"I beg your pardon, but what did you just say?" her father asked. "You're telling me that you'll be comparing blood samples you took from us without us knowing?"

"I never said that." Zeus looked at her expectantly. Athena rolled her eyes. "Honestly, father, you think I'm stupid enough for a trick like that? Of course, I have samples. If I'm not mistaken, you're due for your latest in a few weeks. I got one from Hades last night. His last sample was very out-dated."

"That's not important right now!" Hades hissed impatiently. Hera nodded.

"We need to stop her from crying before everyone else comes here and asks more questions! Do any of you how to make anything suitable for a baby to eat?" They all blinked at her. Hera rolled her eyes. "Honestly..." she sighed. "Here's what we'll do. Athena, go get your blood tests ready, Zeus, get some warmer blankets for her, Poseidon, go patrol the hall and keep everyone out of the room. If they ask, tell them they have no business poking their noses in our private lives."

"And me?" Hades asked.

"I can't believe I'm saying this... Hold her." And Hades found himself holding a baby for what probably was the first time. Everyone went about their business, Athena and Poseidon flocking out, Zeus trying to find clean sheets and Hera doing veteran mom stuff in the kitchenette. Hades cautiously turned on a lamp, letting light into the dark room.

"Well, welcome to the world." he said, looking down at the baby in his arms. She was staring back up at him with big, tired turquoise eyes, her hands patting the sides of the scarf almost robotically. "This will be an interesting story for you. Your first five minutes were spent wrapped in a scarf."

"Making our first friend, are we, Hades?" Zeus asked, getting an extra quilted cover from the closet.

"Mm. Maybe I'll wait until you fatten her up then I'll kidnap her." Hades adjusted the scarf, their hands meeting. The baby probably didn't know what she was holding in her death gripping hand as her fingers closed in on Hades' finger, still staring in a mix of awe and horror at him. Then she shocked him, borderline violently. "Hey, I was only kidding!" Hades tried pulling his finger out, but had no luck. "Listen, lady, I'm married!"

"Excuse me?"

"She electrocuted me."

"That's what I thought." Hera continued. "That woman has guts."

"Woman?"

"That child's mother. She has guts to leave her baby with Zeus, of all the fathers out there." Hades was shocked a second time as the crying picked up at its original level of intensity.

"Hera, what do I do?" He panted, feeling as though steam was rising from his body. The shock had been hot and filled his whole body, lasting longer than they usually had.

"Rock her, pat her back, hold her closer to you. I won't be much longer."

"Here, take that scarf off and put her in here." Zeus held out the blanket in his arms.

"You take the scarf off. I don't want to become a victim of Hera's bullying if I drop her." Zeus laid the blanket across his lap and helped Hades in a careful gamble of trying not to drop the baby, who sent the most violent shock yet flying through Hades. He blacked out for a second, coming to when Zeus pushed him up by the head, the baby in his arms.

"Whoa... Alright. Let's keep that with her or she'll get louder." He said, pulling the scarf back over her body. The crying didn't stop, but softened.

"Do you know where this thing has been?" Zeus asked, watching as Hades folded the blanket in whatever way he could. "Around your sweaty skiing neck, covering Poseidon after he climbed out of a dirty pond, around my neck and down the sleeve of my coat, and while it was with me who knows where else!"

"Forget it. Unless you want to deal with all that screaming, she's keeping her scarf."

"Finished. Give her here." Hera demanded, taking the baby in her arms as Athena entered with a silver brief case locked by several locks.

"We need to make this quick." She began, setting the case on the bed and beginning to click away the locks. "To answer your question, if anyone steals this case, they won't be able to get in, analyze your ichor and use it for evil deeds. There is a mob of Olympians outside this room, all of which are demanding answers. Oh, and Poseidon wants to know if we can let Hestia in. Apparently, she's gone crazy and wants to knit all her clothes."

"Oh, I know that word." Zeus said. "Fangirling." Athena shrugged.

"I guess… Hera, what..?" Athena cocked her brow at the make-shift bottle Hera had made out of a plastic water bottle, duct tape and cloth. She sighed.

"I've had my practise. Ares. End of story." She glanced up at Zeus, who shuddered with her at the memory of considering throwing baby Ares off Olympus. Athena pulled out a small needle.

"Father, Uncle, go guard the door with Poseidon." She began, readying it. "If anyone startles me, we will have to repeat something similar to the mess of Father's colonoscopy." Hades and Hera snickered to themselves as the brothers joined Poseidon outside the door. They were met by most of the Olympians gathered in a horde in front of the door. Hestia was the only one who managed to successfully slip by the Big Three into the hotel room.

"Dad, am I a big brother again?!" Ares asked, getting in Zeus' face. He shoved him away.

"We don't know, Ares."

"That's not how babies work, Daddy!" Apollo chimed. "Hera can't just have a baby whenever she wants- oh, never mind." Hephaestus groaned.

"If she had, it would have been out the window already." He sighed.

"What's happening now?" Artemis asked, also anxious to get in the room. Hades looked around. He was surprised not to see Demeter at the door, banging on the heads of whoever was in her way.

"Athena is getting set up for a blood test." He replied, raising his voice so they could all hear. "For now, we have no idea what is going on. We found this child in the scarf Persephone gave me, which was inside the sleeve of Zeus' coat." Inside the room, the crying got louder again as floor shook, all the toilets in all the rooms flushed, and an explosion was heard on the floor below theirs.

"I'm going to take a wild guess here and say this kid is Poseidon's, but he's framing Zeus because he's the best scapegoat you could ask for." Dionysus said, regaining balance on the crutch he used to support his body for some reason now that he was missing an arm. Poseidon smacked him.

"No! The last time I… Um… This is a godly kid! Not only can she do things with water, but she shocked Hera!"

"And me! Twice!" Hades chimed. "It doesn't take a genius to figure it out from there!"

"Like, Zeus, like… ew." Aphrodite girled. "I, like, totes support, like, gay marriage, but, like, just, ew. You and, like, Poseidon? OMM, like, Hades! You're, like, next! Only Hestia is, like, safe!" The three brothers stared at each other, then at Aphrodite, who was staring back at them while texting, her mouth hung wide open, a green moisturizer covering her face. "I totes ship it."

"Forget that!" Artemis yelled. "That floor the pipes exploded on was the girl's floor! They're going to drown!" Ares slapped her back, which earned him a good beating later because he touched Artemis' bra.

"Relax, Artiepants!" he said. "They'll get up! They know how to swim!"

"They're teenage girls, Ares!" Artemis yelled. "They sleep in like nobody's business! Come on! This is an order, all of you!" she yelled, swinging open the door to the emergency stairs. Ares and Apollo ran as quickly as they could at the thought of innocent young women, Dionysus walked down because he knew he had no choice, Hephaestus left as quickly as he could manage because he knew there were innocent lives at stake, Aphrodite left because Ares had left and knew there was going to be an empty bed somewhere, and Artemis ran faster than all of them because she had some virginity to protect.

"We've got them!" Hermes and Demeter were coming down the hall, each with a moving brown potato sack slung over their shoulders. Poseidon opened the door.

"Athena!" he hollered. "Kids are here!" Not even a second later, Athena burst through the door, Hera following behind her empty handed. Demeter and Hermes dumped the contents of their bags, Percy and Annabeth, on the floor, their arms and legs tied as Hera and Athena lifted them up.

"Mom, what are you doing?!" Annabeth yelled, trying to break free of Athena's vice grip. "We didn't do anything!"

"Mommy's just checking, sweetie… Back in the 1800's, Mommy heard that excuse a lot…" Athena chimed, pulling out a new needle from her pocket. Percy paled and stopped fighting to free himself from Hera.

"Oh, what's the matter?" Hera cooed. "Is little Percy afraid of needles?" Percy nodded, his body beginning to shake. Hera smirked. "Good. I'll remember that next time I need to borrow you." Meanwhile, Hestia came slowly out the door, grinning from ear to ear, holding the baby in her arms, Mr. Fluff the lion riding in the back of her hood.

"She's so… so cute…" she whispered, excitement riding in her voice. "I jus' wanna hug her forever…" Zeus leaned in to Poseidon and Hades.

"Did Kronos' stomach do this to you three?" he asked. "The fangirling over crying children thing. It's just a bit sadistic, just a little, so…"

"It did a lot of things, Oh Chosen One." Poseidon replied. "You know that scar Demeter has on her left elbow?" He jabbed his finger at Hades.

"We've got a runner!" Athena yelled at them. Percy had somehow escaped Hera's wrestling hold and was running away down the hall, Demeter, Athena and Hera on his tail. Hermes was holding Annabeth so she couldn't be smart and save him.

"Not so loud!" Hestia yelled, which almost paralyzed everyone in surprise. "You're scaring-" she didn't get to finish the sentence before the wind was accidentally knocked from her chest as Poseidon and Zeus ran by to help, Zeus' knee colliding with her leg and tripping her. Hades caught the baby just in time, Hestia barely able to support herself.

"Are you alright?" he asked, helping her to her feet and taking a firmer hold on the blankets in his arms. Hestia nodded, panting as she broke out into a cold sweat.

"I'm fine… Is she safe?" she asked. "Don't tell Zeus and Hera, but I dropped Ares one day…"

"Crying her lungs out, but safe." Hades replied, taking Hera's words into account and holding her closer. "It's too loud out here. Let's go inside and wait."

"Good idea." Hades was electrocuted for a fourth time as he starting patting the blankets, trying to calm the crying. Athena had set up a laptop on the entertainment stand, currently running blood test scans. "I think she likes you, Hades." Hestia began, sitting on the bed beside him. "She's a lot calmer now that you're holding her."

"Really, now?"

"Move your arm under there… Good! Yeah, and keep patting her back like that…" They sat watching her together as Hestia instructed Hades on how not to drop a baby and turn them into a crazy god of war. "This is nice," Hestia finally said. "Sitting here together, being a family for once."

"Tell me about it." Hades replied.

"You don't describe it. You feel it." his sister replied. "Here, do this…"

"Hestia, it's just an expression…" Hades began. Hestia took one of his hands and poked his finger to the baby's palm. Her fingers closed in around Hades', their skin tone almost the exact same porcelain pale.

"It's like she's saying _I love you_." Hestia whispered. Hades felt a strange rush fly through him, making his cheeks feel hot. Babies were weird, really, they were to him, at least, but this feeling he received then and there challenged that idea. Hades didn't feel this often, or rather, he hadn't felt it often at all, forgotten about it.

"Well, I love her, too." He stuttered, his face reddening even more. It wasn't like the way he felt about Persephone. This was different, much different, much stronger. It made him feel stronger, too, and warmer, fuller. Happier.

"Oh, Hades! Look!" Hestia exclaimed, softly. "She's opening her eyes! They've been shut from crying this whole time but she's opening them!"

"Hestia, calm down. We've finally got her to stop screaming, so…" Hades fell silent. Staring back at him were a pair of tired, confused, bright turquoise eyes. Everything about her was so bright; her light blonde hair tuffs, pale skin, and now the eyes. She stared up at Hades and they held eye contact, her hand loosening and tightening around his finger, trying to figure out what this feeling was, too.

"They're so pretty…" Hestia managed, staring from over Hades' shoulder. Time seemed to have past forever until she'd spoken. Hades passed her to Hestia, stood up and went to the other side of the room. "Hades? Are you alright?" Hestia asked.

"I'm fine… I think…" Hades managed back. He'd never felt so confused. He knew love could be confusing from experience, since his own love life liked becoming a mess, but this feeling was beyond explanation. Hestia was right. You don't describe it, you feel it.

"Are you crying?"

"I spend a few minutes holding her and now… all of a sudden…"

"I know, Hades. I know." Hades took a deep breath and went back. I'm not an emotional person, that baby was just too cute, he thought. He sat back on the bed, took the baby again just as a beeping noise came from Athena's computer.

"I'll get Athena." Hestia said, hopping off the bed. "I'll be right back!" Hades went to the computer, watching as the screen waited to load the results.

"Let's see who your parents are, shall we?" he said, adjusting his hold on the baby, who shocked him softly with a kick of her feet as she shut her eyes and yawned. Hades was getting used to both the physical and emotional pain in his heart. The screen shifted. Hades made the mistake of looking away from the goddess who was about to improve and ruin his life.

The blood test had matched three results.

* * *

"I must have a lot of medicine in me, don't I?"

"Why do you say that, my love?"

"Because you just said that this is you, daddy's and Uncle Popo's baby." Persephone replied. "This is our baby, Hades. Just you and me." Hades wanted to say something, but he was wise enough to know when not to argue with his wife, who currently wasn't thinking straight. They sat on the edge of the bed in their hotel suite that evening, Persephone still attached to an I.V with dark red liquid going into her arm little by little. Hades had volunteered to brush her hair while she admired their new goddess. He was still in shock from when Athena had announced the blood test results that afternoon, combined with worry of the duty of looking after a baby for a week. Looking closer and calming down, he did manage to figure it out in his head. They had all worn the same scarf within the same day and had been sweating in it. Since it hadn't been cleaned since then and their sweat was apparently extremely powerful, it had more or less combined to create a living being, or a goddess, in their case. Athena tried to avoid explaining a similar incident that happened between her and the forge god, but Hades assumed that by that evening, said story would be all over Facebook and Athena would be halfway across the globe, carrying her pride in three neatly organized suitcases. However, for a child of all of the Big Three, she was pretty tame. She hadn't cried since that morning and was relaxed while she was with Hades and touching her scarf, and the pipes that had burst on the floor below hadn't burst at all; only bent to clog a section of the plumbing that was resolved quickly by Poseidon. She could shock, like Zeus, control water, like Poseidon, and liked Hades, like no one, but Hades considered it a good thing.

"Of course she is." he finally replied. "And do you remember her name?" Persephone nodded.

"Yes. Her name is Lily Violet Daisy."

"No, honey. Her name is Aithera!" Hestia had chosen it after they had discovered the truth, another thing Hades could barely make out in his mind. She'd mentioned a primordial god, Aether, who basically ruled over space. Hades hadn't had the time to meet him, much less knew he existed. Hestia had said that since Aithera had been born of the three domains, sky, ocean and Hell, she technically came from a whole, and above them was Aether, another whole, and Aithera is one way of saying Aether in Greek. That was all Hades could remember. No one else had a better idea.

Persephone looked hurt and held Aithera away from him.

"You can't just change my baby's name without permission!" she exclaimed. "Giving her such a horrible name, too! I think Daffodil Pansy Lilac is the prettiest name there is!"

"Persephone, you changed her name again." Persephone glared at him.

"No! I said her name was Narcisse Petunia Sunflower!"

"You said her name was Daffodil Pansy Lilac."

"I'm positive I said it was Rose Sakura Dandelion!" Persephone looked like she was on the verge of tears.

"Alright, my love, alright." Hades pulled her into his arms. "That will be her name. But how about we only call her by her first name?"

"Oh, alright. If it will save her room on her school registration form, then so be it." At least she is enjoying herself, Hades thought. "Hades?"

"Yes, my love?"

"Why does Pussy Willow have the scarf that I made for you?" Persephone pulled at the scarf that served as the first layer of Aithera's blankets, but Hades stopped her.

"You probably don't remember this, because giving birth was so hard for you-"

"She wasn't born that way. She was born from inside a carnation, wasn't she, Mommy?"

"Yes, of course." From her cot in the corner of the room, Demeter was trying not to snicker.

"That's why we named her Iris, because she was born inside a poppy."

"Right..." Hades was considering wiring in something else into her medicine. "But, do you remember how when she was born, we didn't have any blankets in the garden?"

"I told you we should have brought one! Look outside! It's raining white chocolate!"

"Shh!" Hades hushed her. "You'll wake her. Yes, I was stupid that day, but I had the scarf you gave me and when she came out of that flower, we needed to make sure she didn't get too cold and freeze, right?" Persephone nodded. "So, since then, she's really liked this scarf and will cry really loud if she doesn't have it. But, also, we need to give her a birthday present!"

"Oh, Hades, you're right!" Persephone exclaimed. "I want to get her a nice big flower that she can sleep in every night-"

"No, honey, I was thinking her birthday present could be this scarf." Persephone opened her mouth in protest, but Hades cut her off. "Because you made the scarf and gave it to me, so it belongs to both of us now, right?" Persephone nodded. "So, let's give it to her as her birthday present from her mother and father, okay?" Persephone thought about it for a moment before looking at Aithera and back at Hades.

"Alright..." she sighed. Hades pulled her in for another hug and kissed her.

"Thank you, honey. Now, I'm going to go get a crib for her, so take good care of-"

"Crib? You can't just tell me how we're going to raise our baby! Look at her!" Persephone hugged Aithera close to her and tried to rise from the bed, but nearly fell from lack of strength. "Our little Lotus is too tiny for a crib! She needs to sleep with her mama and papa! Besides, if we put a crib in here, where's Mommy going to sleep? We all need to stay together because we're a family! We're keeping Forget-Me-Not in bed with us, Hades!" She stomped her foot and hugged Aithera closer.

"Mommy could sleep in the bed with you!" Demeter offered.

"I just want everybody to be happy..." Persephone sniffled, shaking her head. "It's not every day that we have babies come from poinsettias... And I want our baby to be happy..."

"Shh..." Hades pulled her into a hug again, this time letting her sit on his lap so they were at eye level. "Alright. She can sleep with us. I know you want us to be happy, and so do I. I think it's time for bed now, too."

"Can I cuddle with her first?" He nodded. Aithera yawned and wiggled a little in her sleep.

"Here, Persephone. Try this." Hades took one of her hands and held it out to Aithera's, who gripped two of Persephone's fingers after her stretch. "She's saying _I love you_." His wife smiled at him. It was the happiest he'd seen her in a long while. They had one of those moments where parents just stare at their babies for ages with that empty, but very full feeling of love in their heads, watching as Aithera's other hand found a home on her blanket. "See? _I love you_."

"I love you, too, Hades…" Persephone yawned, resting her head on his shoulder, generating one of the only peaceful, love filled moments of this story.

"I think it's time for bed." Demeter hissed through locked teeth, glaring lasers into the back of Hades' skull.

"Right." Hades lifted Aithera from Persephone's arms. "We'll join you in a minute. I'm just going to give you your night time medicine..." Hades twisted a nob on the I.V, sending new fluids into the mixture.

"Hades, how much are you-" Demeter began, walking towards him with balled fists, but Persephone fell back onto the bed, sound asleep.

"The last thing either of us need is Aithera waking her in the night." Hades explained. "It's enough to keep her asleep until breakfast."

"Fine. I'll look-"

"No, you heard Persephone. She's staying in the bed with us. I'll look after her myself."

"Oh really? Good luck when she throws up, wets herself and won't stop crying no matter what you do. I'm certain you'll look lovely with diarrhea in your hair." There was a knock at the door.

"Scratch that," Hades began, passing Aithera to Demeter. "You're looking after her tonight, after all."

"Wait, what? What do you mean?" she asked as Hades opened the door. Zeus and Poseidon were standing there in their winter jackets. "Where are you going?"

"It's Thursday." Hades began, throwing on his coat and stroking Aithera's head one last time. "The men are off to enjoy the night."

* * *

"Hey, Seaweed Brain?"

"You know, someone as smart as yourself could easily dissect my brain and see if it really is made of seaweed." Annabeth cocked her brow.

"Your point is..?" she asked. Percy furrowed his brow and bit his lip.

"My brain isn't made of seaweed..?" Annabeth smirked. "I was trying to sound intelligent… or something…."

"You shouldn't try, Seaweed Brain. It lands you in this awkward situation." Percy grumbled a little to himself, let go of Annabeth's hand and hit her playfully on the side of her arm before taking her hand back. They were walking through a mall in Toronto, trying to find a good place to eat for the evening. It had been Percy's fault they were window shopping. He'd gotten them lost, again.

"What were you saying to me?" he asked, remembering the remark that got him into this embarrassing mess in the first place.

"If that baby, Aithera, had really been our kid, what would you have done?"

"Are you implying something?"

"No, and I hope you aren't implying anything, either."

"Why do you ask?"

"Because Poseidon holds the record for demigod count."

"Not about that!" Percy blushed, angrily. Annabeth smirked. Percy knew she'd said that just to get him agitated.

"I don't know, just wondering." She said. "It was the first thing that came to my mind. You've been silent since La Senza and never answered my question about where you think we should eat, for that matter."

"I didn't want to say anything because last night when we went out, we walked by that one store, I tried to soften the mood and you got mad at me thinking I was looking!"

"And?"

"And you were right. But I wasn't looking in that store."

"The mannequins were all wearing blue. Of course you didn't!" Annabeth nudged his arm. Percy sighed. No use getting mad over something they were only joking around about.

"If Aithera had been our kid," he began. "Athena would have slit my throat or discovered some horrifically fun way to kill me."

"Or she could have asked Hera."

"Certainly. Well, first of all, if we'd even had a kid to begin with, you would have killed me, or poked me with a needle a thousand times over."

"Okay, Seaweed Brain, let's dig a little deeper than the basics there." Percy sighed.

"I wouldn't have put Aithera in a scarf in a coat; I would have left her alone with you and bolted so I didn't have to deal with cranky Annabeth." Annabeth considered pushing her boyfriend into a fountain as they walked by, but the last time she'd seen someone, the Stolls, do it, they were blasted by a miniature, son of Poseidon sized tsunami. "But if she was our kid, I would have done anything to keep you guys safe." He continued. "I would have taken us somewhere safe and away from the gods, or at least where no one could hurt you. And if they could, I'd lay down my life to protect you. I'd love you both, even if Athena had thousands of sharpened, polished, OCD arranged spears ready to kill me or our lives sucked… In the long run or from someone else's point of view." He added the last part to clear the look Annabeth was giving him. "I just had an even better idea!" Percy laughed to himself. "We would have given our child to your mother."

"I'm sorry, what?" Annabeth replied, laughing.

"Just think about it!" Percy began, laughing harder. "If she says _Why hello there! I am the highly knowledgeable and wise Athena! Hmm, my knowledge says that Percy will be a bad influence on my grandchild! He must not be near it and Annabeth must stay in school! What are we going to do, hmm?_ then we can just tell her that she can look after our child if we can't have it!"

"Percy, you have no idea how terrible my mother is with small children!" Annabeth replied, still laughing enough to not grab any attention as they walked. They passed a book store. Percy had to hold onto Annabeth extra tight so she wouldn't lose her mind over books again. "Thanks for answering that." She began, brushing her hair behind her ear. "I don't really know why I asked that in the first place."

"Because you love me?" She looked up at him and smiled. Percy didn't think she looked beautiful.

"I love you, too." She said, before they kissed quickly.

He thought she looked like Annabeth. And that was all they needed.

"I heard that." They spun around, Percy's heart rate speeding up like Hermes on sugar as he recalled the things Athena had whispered in his ear the night before. "Perseus, your Athena voice is a little… off." Athena was sitting on a bench, watching them. Annabeth paled.

"Mother! Hi!" Annabeth managed, trying to make the situation less awkward. It didn't work.

"Yes, hello, Annabeth. Perseus."

"Lady Athena?"

"Salutations. Since you two are obviously lost and I enjoy torturing this part of the fandom, I think I will escort you back to the hotel."

"But, mom, we haven't even had dinner yet." Annabeth pleaded. "And we were going to go shopping after-"

"Oh, shopping, yes, that reminds me." Athena pulled out a list that Percy didn't think she could fit in her purse and passed Annabeth her wallet as she fished it out. "Hera wanted me to get a few things for Aithera. You children can follow me. As for supper, we shall eat at Five Guys."

"Um, Lady Athena?" Percy began. "There's no Five Guys in Canada." Athena's face turned red.

"That's _There aren't any Five Guys in Canada_ to you, Mister Jackson!" she yelled.

"Wait, what?"

"I have to call my father about this… Daddy will fix it… Daddy always fixes it… He has to! He must!" Athena stormed off down the hall of the mall, attracting plenty of attention as smoke literally poured from her ears and the ground shook beneath her. Annabeth stared awkwardly at the Master Card she found in Athena's wallet.

"You wanna eat at _The Chase_?" she asked.

"Then raid a book store?" Annabeth nodded eagerly, beginning to drool at the thought of a restaurant with her name and buying way too many books than border patrol would allow her to return to America. "You wanna make the situation even more awkward?"

"Sure." And they kissed again.

* * *

"Alright, Hades. Horse time."

"I'm not drinking that. I've got a wife and newborn to go home to. You do it."

"I've got a wife and 1000 some kids."

"Are any of them still in diapers and is your wife insane?"

"Apollo, debatable. Hera, insane, yes."

"That's why you're doing the horse."

"No, I'm not!"

"Will you two shut up and decide already?" Poseidon groaned at the wheel. "We're almost there."

"Hades, how do I start this video camera?" Apollo asked, fidgeting with the camera attached to the back of the driver's seat.

"You press the button that says _Record_, you idiot." Hades grumbled, leaning across the aisle to help. In the back, Ares' phone buzzed.

"Hephie says he can see it, so you turned it on alright, Apollo." He said, his phone beeping again. "Oh, and Dad? Ma wants to know if you know Athena's Master Card insurance number and if Hades is really sure he doesn't want to let her look after Urethra- Sorry, she means Aithera."

"Yes, tell her I'm certain I can manage." Hades grumbled again. "If she isn't demonstrating any powers of a child of Hades, the least she can do is let Persephone and I take her."

"I might need you to repeat that…" Ares said as he bent over his phone in concentration, typing a message back to his mother. Everyone knew Athena could wait, even if it meant bad things would come later.

"Hermes, we need tips of the trade here." Zeus began, turning around to face his son in the back. "How do we pull off a good prank like this?"

"Uh, so… Dio and I came here in the morning after the whole Aithera fiasco went down." Hermes began, kicking his feet up on Apollo's seat in front of him. "But, basically, give the person you talk to a really difficult time. Oh, and Canadians are really polite, but they get angry."

"I hope you get a French person. They anger beautifully." Ares commented.

"But don't make them cry. Canadians are good people, like that one person who doesn't flip the bird when you cut in front of them in traffic in New York-"

"Hermes, I sincerely hope you aspire to be that person." Hermes had no comment to say about this.

"But we've been here a few times for drive thru. Usually, it's the same person who answers you at the speaker who hands you your food, so if you give them a hard time now… the result will be beautiful." Poseidon's phone buzzed.

"Check that." He threw it at Zeus.

"Excuse me, but why am I checking your texts?"

"Because I so kindly created this little potion," Poseidon reached into the coffee holder and pulled out a vial full of green liquid labeled "Horse", fizzing a little. "Without the help of Hecate or Athena. And I'm driving and don't want to kill you all, despite the temptation. The password's _Cuddlefish_, all one word." Zeus swiped open the phone and chuckled. "What?"

"It's Demeter. She sent a picture of Aithera and says _She looks just like you when she' sleeping_…" Everyone looked up at Poseidon, who whistled casually while turning the wheel. "The scary thing is, she does." Zeus passed the phone back to Hades.

"Huh. She does. Zeus, I hope you understand that just because the three of us are now united by a powerful force that we must watch over and raise that can never be replaced, doesn't mean I like you anymore than I do now. Poseidon, I'm still cool with you."

"I have no feelings to return." Zeus replied, taking back the phone.

"Hephie wants to know if the same thing can be said about the planet Earth." Ares commented. "And Ma says fine and she guesses she can let you do it because you and Personal Phone- She probably meant Persephone, never had a kid of your own, but if you do anything wrong to her, Ma's gonna kill you and raise Aithera herself." Zeus grabbed the vial of magic potion from the coffee holder.

"Then I'm doing it. Hades, if you screw up, we all lose our daughter, alright? No way I'm letting a man who just drank something like this raise my child, let alone my wife…" Zeus flicked the lid off the vial and held it to his lips.

"Be careful you don't drink too much, just a little will do." Poseidon began, turning the wheel, gently. "If you drink a little too much, it'll just take longer to wear off- _skatá!_" He swore in Greek as he swerved the car away from another who almost collided with him. "Are you guys alright?" he called. Everyone but Zeus answered, who pulled the vial from his mouth and stared at it, paling. Poseidon didn't even have to look over his shoulder. "You drank the whole thing, didn't you?"

"There it is, Poseidon, left here." Apollo said, pointing over his uncle's shoulder. They pulled into a Tim Horton's drive thru as Zeus started going green in the face, then fading into a lovely, which means ugly, shade of brown. They stopped behind a car currently ordering at the speaker.

"Okay, Poseidon, fill 'er up." Apollo passed a tank of helium to his uncle, who took a deep breath as he inhaled through a tube. "You gonna test that?" He shook his head, ready to go up. They pulled forward, the boys ducking down in the back seat and holding their breath for the chaos to unfold.

"_Hi, welcome to Tim Horton's. How may I help you?"_ A soft male voice said over the speaker.

"Hullo!" Poseidon squeaked, his voice about two octaves higher than normal, at the perfect tone of annoyance to smash all the glass windows within five kilometers. Not miles, because they were in Canada, and you 'Murcans do things differently than the correct way. "I was wondering," Poseidon continued. "Could you give me directions to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts?" The voice over the speaker heaved an exasperated sigh.

"_Did my bro- I mean, are you American?"_

"Nooooo…" Poseidon chimed.

"_Yes, you are."_ The voice over the speaker said. _"Now, doy uo want anything to eat, or are you just going to harass me more? But, be warned! I know you Americans and all your dirty little tricks!"_

"Ahhh, right!" Poseidon said. "Um, so I guess I'll have a large coffee with sugar, five of those Maple Glazed things- Apollo, give me a shot of that stuff again…" Poseidon inhaled and refilled his annoying tank.

"_Um, sir, I should warn you…" _the soft, tired, and somewhat agitated voice on the speaker began. _"Just because you're in Canada doesn't mean drugs are legal."_

"Does anyone want anything else?" Poseidon squeaked. The man behind the speaker couldn't make out the rest, which consisted of a bunch of men yelling, what sounded suspiciously like a horse, and the man who had inhaled the helium coughing and gagging as he squeaked the last squeak out of him system. "No!" Poseidon managed, feeling a taste of blood rise in his throat. "That'll be all! Hope your igloo doesn't melt in the summer!"

Inside the Tim Horton's, a young blonde man clenched his fist in anger.

"One day, they will know my true wrath!"

"Hey, Mattie? You okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine, Évangéline."

"Did something happen?"

"It's just… the Americans…"

"Oh. I'll go turn off the security cameras."

Meanwhile, as the boys waited behind two cars paying for food, something strange began happening to Zeus.

"Guys… I feel like… My teeth…" He began, his whole body trembling as brown hair began to grow all over his skin, his hands shaking as he held them to his mouth, feeling the transformation happen. A few more morbid things began to happen until Hades threw off his coat and placed it over Zeus' head, so now one had to watch the horrors of turning into a horse.

* * *

On the other end of the line, Dionysus and Hephaestus listened to many groans and horrifying noises as it happened, followed by a play by play from Apollo and Ares.

"_And his face has officially gotten longer! My, Apollo, I haven't seen such a gruesome feat since Demeter forgot to shave her legs for a week!"_

"_Quite true, Ares! Though I'd say the most gruesome event in my memory has to be when you were born!"_

"_And why do you say that?"_

"_Because the memory still lingers on your face!"_

"_Forget my beauty, let's watch our father! And his fingers are melting together and turning black! Hooves, folks! We have hooves!"_

"_Yes, sir! Daddy has drunken too much of the potion! I've been saying that phrase a lot lately! And his mane is coming in, followed by, Oh My Us, I think that's a tail! And Hades is about to be smacked square in the leg with it as we approach the drive thru!"_

"_And Father is attempting to make his way to the driver's seat, but it's slow going because horses, ladies and gentlemen, were not meant to fit into vans!"_

"_I completely agree with you, Ares! And, ooh! Poseidon just took a hoove to the crotch! Looks like Poseidon's reliving his glory days with Demeter!"_

"I am so relieved we didn't have to go with them." Hephaestus sighed. "Looks like we're stuck with each other again, huh?" Dionysus snorted.

"Phht. I can't stand that bunch, especially Zeus. First he goes and punishes me for chasing down Hermes' mother, and I remind you that I had no idea who she really was, puts me on wine probation and makes me babysit a bunch of hormone bombs, then he forgets about us in South America, finally doesn't invite us on this prank!" Hephaestus reached over and patted his shoulder.

"Simmer down. You can yell at him when they get back. Here, I'll even ask Hera to help you."

"Like I need to hear anything else from her… I've spent enough time with her indirectly for a thousand lifetimes…"

* * *

The window slid open, revealing a young man somewhere between his late teens and early twenties. He had longish, wavy blonde hair and deep blue eyes that were swelled with a little anger. He was also wearing round glasses and a Canadian Olympics hoodie beneath his Tim Horton's vest.

"Okay, here's your-" he barely got the first words out of his mouth before he saw the horse. Zeus neighed in pain and reached forward with his snout, showing of his sexy horse teeth. The man, whose name was Matthew judging by his name tag, paled, dropped the coffee, squished one of the Maple Glazed things in his fear, spun around and nearly threw up.

"Évangéline!" he yelled into the coffee shop. "Call Allie!"

"Do you want me to get the police, too?" Zeus _nay-ed_. A short brunette peaked around the corner, gasped, and ducked out of sight again, cussing in French.

"Yeah!" Matthew agreed. "The police might be good, too!" Meanwhile, the boys decided now might be a good time to start running. However, Zeus was having some trouble getting out of the car, being a horse, but was also flailing so wildly that Poseidon was trapped and he managed to smack Hades in the jaw with his hove. Ares and Apollo managed to escape through the trunk and hightailed it down the road. Hermes dragged Hades from the car, his father and Poseidon already lost causes in his opinion, and the two of them began to run as well. Unfortunately, because of the plot, the police arrived, two of the cars pulling up in front of them, blocking their path, leaving just enough time and space for one of them to make it through. Hades could make it, his vision was clearing, he was almost there-

Hermes tripped him. Hades heard a satisfying cheer of glee. Drat. He looked up just in time to see Hermes making an escape and several police officers looming over him.

All things considered, Zeus actually wasn't doing that bad by this point. He had managed to kick his way out of the car and discovered, much to his delight, that horses could outrun people in speeding vehicles. As far as he was concerned, he was home-free. That was, until the odd girl wearing a cowboy hat and reeking with the scent of fresh oil stepped out in front of him. She began to swing a lasso menacingly.

"Here, horsie horsie horsie!" she called, throwing the lasso around his neck. Zeus was pulled to the ground by his neck and flailed helplessly until he turned back into a person again, the girl leaning over him with confusion written all over her face. "Oh my God…" she managed. "I'm so sorry… Uh… Police!"

"I'm the god of justice…" Zeus managed, still feeling rotten. "Does that work-" he proceeded to throw up and cough violently until he passed out. The girl from Tim Horton's, Évangéline, had arrived, and had brought her tranquilizer with her.

"Well... That was confusing." she managed.

* * *

"I wasn't sure whether I should be angry, seek counselling or remain as confused as I was before," Hera began, her fists clenched around the edge of the table. "But now the centaur dung has officially hit the fan!" Aithera let out a whimper and squeezed her eyes shut from the sound of her yelling. Hades held her closer to him.

"Hey, relax… I know it's scary, listening to Hera yell, but she's… You'll be alright, I'm here…" he said, watching as Aithera slowly calmed down as she continued to stare at him in awe, which seemed to be the only non-painful expression she was capable of.

"You really can't think of anything good to say about me?" Hera snorted, glaring at Hades with an unimpressed look. Hades shook his head. She leaned back in her chair, trying to look impressive. "Well, I'll have you know that I've been the one keeping Aithera content while you're stuck here and I made that blanket for her and I've been the one making her formula and I-"

"You made this?" Zeus asked, pointing at the knitted pink blanket Aithera was wrapped in. They sat with Poseidon, Amphitrite and Hestia in a visiting area of a prison where the boys had been brought after their incident at the restaurant. The Big Three all wore matching orange jumpsuits and wore the same smug expression they had worn for their mugshots, which were all over the godly news across nearly every pantheon. Aithera took hold of Zeus' finger and cooed, putting the tip of it to her mouth. Poseidon quickly pulled it away.

"No, Jellyfish, you don't know where that's been." He said. Zeus glared at him.

"I taught Hera how to knit a little while after Ares was born." Hestia said, trying to release the tension. "I'm surprised you still remember, though! You had a hard time at first, but I guess it must be step-mother instincts… or would it be aunt instincts…"

"Hestia, why did you come?" Poseidon asked, his arm around Amphitrite, who sat beside him. "You're the last person I'd expect to see in a prison compound."

"Oh, well, I'm here in place of Demeter in place of Persephone." Amphitrite leaned into her husband.

"It wasn't pretty. Seriously, you should have seen her when we got the call. We brought Aithera because she was beginning to miss her Daddy!" she added, smiling at Aithera, who was in the middle of drifting off. Hades snorted.

"Daddy..?"

"I guess that makes me Papa, because there's a D in Hades, like Daddy, and my name starts with a P." Poseidon said, chuckling. "Zeus, you can be… Uh…"

"Father." He replied, sternly. "All the goddesses I sired who called me Father came out alright. It's what's best for her future."

"I'm her aunt." Hera stated. "I'm through with being a step-mother. Besides, Hestia is an aunt, and everyone seems to like her."

"I like aunt, too." Amphitrite added. "And, Poseidon, Jellyfish is a very cute nickname!"

"Is it because she can shock people like Zeus and sometimes bring them to death like Hades?" Hestia asked, creating a tense atmosphere. Hestia and Death didn't exactly hold hands while they walked down the street. Poseidon blinked.

"No… it's because her cheeks are really squishy, so I thought… Jellyfish." Everyone made noises of realization. "Can I hold her now? Please?"

"So, tell us. How's life in the place you've always belonged?" Hera smirked, watching carefully as Hades passed Aithera along, who was wrapped in her scarf inside the blanket. "We've talked and decided not to bail you out until tomorrow morning."

"What?!" the brothers groaned, louder than they should have. Aithera stirred and whimpered.

"Because you haven't learned your lesson!" Amphitrite said, helping Poseidon calm his Jellyfish. "Afterall, what better way to do so then to put you in a demigod-run facility? Besides, which do you think is worse? Staying here for the night or coming home to us?" Poseidon blinked at his wife.

"It depends on what you mean by _us_." Amphitrite glared at him.

"Definitely not this." She said, pointing to Aithera. Poseidon gulped and shrunk away a little.

"There's this Mexican guy in the cell across the hall from us." Zeus began. "We never pay attention to him or anything he says, so all we hear is him banging on the cell with his… I don't know what."

"Zeus, just because we're technically American doesn't mean that you can assume everyone in prison you don't know is a Mexican." Hera began, rolling her eyes.

"I think Mexicans are great." Hestia added. "What's his name, that kid who controls fire… Lee… Lee? Was that it?"

"Leo." Hera corrected. "I tried making him immortal once upon a time when he was still a _pequeño bebé_."

"What?!" The other five yelled. Aithera started crying and kicking, now fully awake again. Poseidon nearly lost his hold of her until Hades took her into his arms.

"I'll do this…" he grumbled, leaving the table and going off into a corner.

"Don't make it thunder, don't make it earthquake, don't make it explode." Amphitrite instructed, pointing at Zeus, Poseidon and Hera, letting her own inner parent come out. "No loud noises."

"So, this whole immortality thing?" Hestia asked.

"Oh, it's a trick I learnt from Demeter." Hera began. "She said she stuck some baby in a fireplace for a few nights after feeding him some nectar, but then his mother stepped in when she was really close. Same thing happened. I just didn't tell anyone because something like this would happen." She motioned to Zeus, who was getting red in the face with anger.

"Of all the stupid things you did to screw around with that prophecy…" he grumbled, slamming his fist into the table. "You had to try making one immortal?"

"Let's talk about happy things!" Hestia said, pushing their glares apart. "How about… um…" She looked to Poseidon and Amphitrite for support. No luck. Hades was still off with Aithera, who had grown quieter. "Um… did you know… Did you know Hades can sing?" Everyone turned their heads toward Hades, who was seated at a table a few rows down from them, holding Aithera and singing softly to her as the crying slowly faded. They sat and watched him, listening carefully as he sung a lullaby in Ancient Greek and smiled at her. Hestia sniffled a little.

"Oh, don't tell me you're getting chocked up over Hades." Zeus groaned. Hestia nodded and wiped her eyes on her cloak.

"It's just… sometimes, I didn't think I'd be able to see him this happy again…"

"Again? What do you mean?"

"Oh, nothing… just what happened with Aithera this morning was very sweet." Hades joined them momentarily; Aithera asleep against his chest, her head leaned against Hades' hand like it was her pillow.

"You're right…" Amphitrite cooed, leaning into Poseidon's shoulder. "The way her cheeks are squished against his hand… she is a Jellyfish!" Everyone stared at Hades as he sat down, Hades expecting to be interrupting a conversation, but was greeted by an awkward silence.

"What are you all starting at?" he scoffed, silently. No one answered.

"You got the words in the second verse wrong." Hera commented. Hades sighed.

"Lay off, will you? I haven't sung to anyone in a long time. Since I kidnapped Persephone, that is."

"Would you like to restate that?" Hades looked at the officer behind him.

"No, sir."

"I was just messing with you, but visiting hours are over." The officer said. "I'm going to ask your visitors to leave and you to return to your cell for the night." Hades gave Aithera one last hug before removing his hand and passing her off to Poseidon, who passed her to Hestia.

"What about me?" Zeus asked. "I haven't held her yet." Hestia was about to hand her off when Hera stepped in between them.

"No no no no no." she said, pushing her husband away. "Visiting hours are over and Aithera is up past her bed time. You'll see her tomorrow."

"Then you can hold her while Hera glares down your back." Poseidon chuckled in Zeus' ear. "Back to that Mexican kid, boys!"

"We'll take good care of her!" Hestia called, smiling at them as they were led back into the prison. When they had vanished, she sighed. "I worry about them a lot more than I should…" she said, looking down at Aithera.

"I don't blame you." Amphitrite added. "I'm just glad to see Poseidon happy. And I suppose… I'm glad for Hades, too, though he still creeps me out!"

"I know, right?" Hera added. "It was my idea not to give him a throne on Olympus."

"What? You're kidding!"

"Oh, you should have seen it when he brought Cerberus into the Palace… Zeus had a hissy fit!" Hestia watched as they walked off toward the exit.

"Welcome to your crazy family, Aithera." She managed, brushing some of her light blonde hair. "I just hope you find an agreeable place in it. But you've got a good Daddy, no matter what anyone says." And she followed her sister and in-law out, humming the rest of Hades' lullaby as she went.

* * *

"Are you Leo Valdez?"

"Yeah. What's up?" The prison guard held out a set of hand cuffs.

"Since no one has come to bail you out in a few days, son, we're moving you to a different prison." Leo bit his lip. Calypso was going to murder him.

* * *

**We are going to clear the water now. There will NEVER be a big prophecy with Aithera. EVER. She's just a baby and probably won't age past the one year mark over the course of the month or so this story takes place. She exists to further the plot and add some conflict and humor. That's kinda all, but she will have moments to herself when the story does take time to focus on her, especially when she does begin to show some Hades-like abilities that require some time to flesh out.**

**Aithera's birthday is February 8th! Really, it was Hermie's idea and so we did it just for fun! Oh, and Leo's back for some Mexican Madness in the next chapter!**

**Speaking of the next chapter...**

_**"Listen, Demeter, I know you're upset, but would it be possible for you to not cry over Persephone while we're stuck inside a vent in a prison compound?"**_

_**"Oh, of course, Hazel... Hmm... Hazel... I wonder..."**_

_**"Please control yourself, Demeter. We're here to save Leo!"**_

_**"Sorry, Hestia... I just had a brilliant idea for revenge!"**_


	7. Olympus Got Girl Power!

**This is officially the longest chapter I've had to write. EVER.**

**So, Thennie's not here because she's working, and at long last after balancing the long _Olympus Got Talent!_ with the shorter _Olympian Sniffles_, I am able to post a new chapter! Yay! Here's some stuff to get out of the way!**

**Credit goes out once again to KendraPJO for her fantastic idea about Leo. Thennie and I took it and ran with it, and credit goes out for the awesome idea that made this chapter even funnier and less of a pain to write because of all the exposition! Second, this chapter contains a small cross over into _The Kane Chronicles_ universe, but it's not for long and you'll probably get it since it's laid out quite smoothly and obviously. Will there be more in the future? Only in places where it is skippable, but not enough to call this a cross over fanfiction.**

**Thirdly, Thennie and I want to thank everyone who has been reading, following, favoriting and reviewing both _Olympus Got Talent!_ and _Olympian Sniffles_. I can tell which one has been better received, but I still have enjoyed writing both of them and hope you will continue reading both in the future. This story is long, but to me, that can be part of the charm and effort I need to put in to writing it!**

**Fourth, Loki. Oh, and the _Hercules Busts Heads_ opening. We didn't try. If we had tried, we would have spent way more time writing this chapter and made a really awesome theme song, but... you'll have to deal with it. Even the gods think it's horrible!**

**Now, onto the disclaimer that I feel I cannot do because Thennie isn't here and I'm fresh out of ideas!**

**DISCLAIMER**

**I've run out of Canadian jokes. You Americans never would, and Rick wouldn't cuz Texas. Therefore, we are not Rick Riordan!**

* * *

"What's your name, kid?"

"Oh, uh... Leo. Leo Valdez." Leo said, trying to mask the nervousness in his voice with what little confidence one is able to grasp with a tall, muscular man with no shirt, wicked dragon tattoos and a fading Russian accent looming over you in a prison, asking you for your name. "Why do you ask?" he managed.

"It's a good ice-breaker. Especially with you new kids." They were silent. Leo sat in an orange jumpsuit in a cell with six other men, all of whom were slumped forward in their benches, staring at him with buzz cuts and uneven bangs, sleep deprived eyes and not a sign of any hope of freedom. "Are you Mexican?"

"Half... Why?" The big man snorted.

"We don't get many Mexicans in Canada." he said, jabbing his huge hand at the African man in the corner of the bench, leaned against the wall, shuffling a deck of odd looking cards. "The Reaper is, don't get the wrong idea, from Egypt. He was thrown in here for..?"

"Trying to steal the Canadian flag." The Reaper finished. "I have this burning passion of red things. I actually wanted to be called The Rockin' Red Reaper, but it was too long for these thugs to bother with."

"Wait, you guys all have nicknames?" Leo asked. The big man nodded.

"Based on our crimes. Except The Reaper. He just threatened us with curses and killed Bottle Capt. with some strange magic he picked up in Egypt. Earned him an extra five years." The Reaper smiled proudly and returned to shuffling his cards. "This," he began, pointing to the man beside him. "Is Scar. Bottle Capt. named him, since he was here first, and was really unoriginal. We're actually thankful he's gone."

"I got this scar while trying to help a little girl unhook her wrecked tights from the chains on her bike." Scar said, pointing to the scar across his chest. "Her parents had the wrong idea. I was too shy to speak in court." Everyone else clapped for him as Scar retreated his head into his hands. The big man leaned into Leo.

"Scar has some anxiety. You've gotta be soft on him. He's a really sweet guy. Next, we have Butch." Butch, despite what his name suggested, was smaller than the average man in prison and had pudgy little arms. Leo thought he looked like a kid not enjoying himself trapped inside a grown man's body. "Tell him what you did, Butch."

"I ran a little hot dog stand in a park." Butch began, twisting his hands around. "One day, I was cutting wieners for my new hot dog chili and raised my knife too high. The poor bird was decapitated right in front of a police man."

"That's Spoons. He doesn't say much, and we won't tell you what he did. It's not R rated." Spoons sat beside Butch, who was clearly uncomfortable. He was tall, skinny and everything about him was thin. He didn't say anything, but smiled at Leo in a way that made his paper thin lips fade away. Leo made a mental note to avoid Spoons, but give the guy a chance.

"Why won't you tell me?" he asked. "I'm practically seventeen." He regretted asking this question as soon as the big man who was doing all the talking placed his massive hand on Leo's tiny shoulder. It took all his courage and willpower not to poop out some fire, but he would totally go for one of Hera's fireplaces right now.

"For the same reason Bottle Capt. will never be mentioned again. That guy under the bench is Frosty." Leo's eyes drilled little holes in the back of the head of the man seated in the corner under the bench facing the walls, curled up in a tiny little ball. "We call him Frosty for a number of reasons." the man began, taking his hand off Leo's shoulder so he could feel it again. "He's always cold and has really pale skin, but when he gets emotionally charged up, his skin turns this funny shade of blue. His mind is also a bit frosty. He thinks he's from this place called Ass-Guard, which is why he was thrown in here, asking a young woman at a cosplay convention how to get to Ass-Guard. It fell apart quite quickly."

"Hey, how come you guys are all over there and I'm the only one on the bed?" Leo asked. Clearly, he wasn't dangerous, just down right sexy.

"It's a little tradition we have." Butch explained. "We let the new guy take the bed for a week before we rotate between the bunks, benches, toilet and floor."

"Canadian prisons don't actually work like this, right?"

"Does the plot look like it has time for that?" The Reaper asked. Leo shook his head. "Didn't think so."

"Anyways, I'm The Water Boy." The big man said. Leo started to chuckle, holding his hand over his mouth and biting the muscle between his thumb and index finger to avoid laughing. He had heard some predictable, yet threatening prison names, but now he was faced with a name so stupid for such a big man. Had he named himself?

"And why do they call you that?" Leo managed, his lip trembling. All he could picture when he thought of a water boy was The Water Boy dressed in tiny shorts and a muscle t-shirt and a ball cap for his favorite baseball team, running around the field handing out water bottles to players that weren't even half his size and carrying injured players to the bench using one hand.

"Because I single-handedly drowned 10 people in a pool back in Russia." Leo began to cough violently to hide his laughter, now officially terrified. The others had done some pretty innocent things as far as Leo could tell, except for Spoons and The Reaper, but now he was being watched over by a 300 pound Russian murderer who had managed to defect to Canada unnoticed, giving him the ability to be able to murder Leo in his sleep. "It was nearly twenty years ago," The Water Boy began, leaning back into a dream-like flash back state. The other men in the cell groaned. Clearly, this was something they never looked forward to. "I had fallen in love with a beautiful woman, and she told me she was expecting our child right before the incident happened. She was so beautiful… magnificent… In fact, to this day, I still haven't had eyes for anyone besides my lovely Afrodita Venera… But, after the murders… I had to run. We weren't living together or married, so she wouldn't be dragged in if I left Russia at the time. She told me I had to run and she would keep our child safe, but… I never did see either of them again. I was in hiding for five years until I had to get surgery on my jaw after I got in a fist fight. The laughing gas made me confess, and the police were called immediately. But… I guess now that being in prison is a lot better than being on the run for my life, and now no harm will come to my Afrodita and child…"

"I feel bad for you, man." Leo replied, not sure what to say as he received careful looks from the other men. "Wait… you said you haven't fallen for any other women since you met her?" The Water Boy nodded. Leo bit his lip. That sounded very familiar to him, but he couldn't place it. Even her name, Afrodita…

"I'm in a similar situation." The Reaper began, pocketing the deck of cards he was shuffling possibly just to look cool. "I was, well… I guess you could say I was the right hand man of the president of a huge company. Then, one day, he got hurt pretty bad in the parking facility near the main office building. Luckily, my sister in-law was looking after him in the hospital, and we all knew he was in good hands since she was a brilliant doctor and surgeon. But after he recovered, he retired from his status as president and… passed the position down to my older brother, of all people, instead of me. In his retirement speech, he had told us that it was out of gratitude to my brother's wife that he made him president, but… That's when I began to slip. I was married to a beautiful woman who worked as a life guard at a huge pool here in Ontario, and we were very happy until the president retired. It was a month after this that we discovered she was two months pregnant with our child. I had done some research and thinking that lead me to believe that my sister in-law had done something to the president to force him to give up his position. From that point on, I was obsessed with avenging him and expressing my anger to her for playing her way to get her husband in charge. I began to go crazy, and I was always very caring and overprotective of my wife. But she saw the changes in me that I had tried so desperately to hide and frightened her. On the day our son was born, I stayed with her that night until I went home to pick up everything she and my son needed, but when I returned, they were gone."

"Oh my God, man." Butch said, resting a hand on The Reaper's shoulder. His eyes looked tired and bloodshot, like he had cried over this many times. "What happened after that?"

"Hey, don't force the poor guy to continue." Scar said. "We all have dark parts we don't want to repeat."

"But, he was so cute! How can I not think about him and talk about how cute my son was?" The Reaper continued, staring into his lap. "You want to know what happened to them? My wife went into hiding and moved away, doing whatever she could to get away from us. She left our son with my brother and his wife, out of fear that I would do something to them. But I wouldn't. I'd never. I love them so much. I don't care if she's ashamed of her choice or whatever weakness she feels because of it or if she's afraid of me. I just want her to know that I love her too much to ever let anything like that stand in the way. That willpower to give up our kid for the greater good takes serious guts that no one who knew her would have either thought her to be capable of. And, as for my son, I don't want to let the way he was brought up to hate me, because of what I apparently did to his mother, keep us apart or stop me from feeling I need to be there for him. Just a while ago, his world was about to end. He was in love with a girl and trying to prevent the loss of a friend and knew that his choice would influence her greatly, and I couldn't be there for him. I couldn't give him advice or push him forward or even say I was proud of him. But, I don't know which hurts more. Knowing you can't be there for your child when you haven't a clue where they are, or knowing you can be there when they don't want you to find them."

The sound of many small pieces of metal was heard on the floor outside their cell. The men all turned to see the huge ring of prison keys fallen to the floor at the feet of an African woman with long wavy black hair and a boy who looked to be in his late teens with freakishly pale skin and reminded Leo a lot of Nico di Angelo. The woman held her hand to her mouth, her eyes swelling up with gallons of tears.

"Oh gods…" the boy grumbled, moving his hand to his forehead. "You made her cry…"

"Set!" Nobody in the cell was able to register what followed until about five seconds after it happened; the woman ripped off the door to the jail cell, threw it down the hall, ran into the cell and hugged The Reaper tightly around his chest, burying her head in his shoulder as she began bawling. The other men quietly huddled into a corner to watch. "Do you really mean all that you said? Do you really love me that much?" The Reaper pulled her tightly into a hug.

"Yes. I spoke the truth so harshly that if I held the famed Feather of Truth in both hands, it would melt away and glow with the power of my love for you."

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. It's all over now. You're both here and I love you so much that if I harmed either of you even the smallest amount, I would throw myself to Ammit and take pleasure in being devoured, knowing that I would never live to see the day I repeat my actions foolishly." The woman continued to cry and spoke softly in a different language. "I love you even more." He replied. "You're still the same crybaby as ever, huh? I'll be able to comfort you now, so the next time you cry, you won't have to be alone." They exchanged the embrace even longer. Leo heard someone sniffle behind him. He took a wild guess it was The Water Boy.

The boy standing in the entrance cleared his throat.

"Father, we should be leaving soon." He began. "We came here to bail you out, not renew our vows in a jail cell."

"Oh, can't you wait to see your girlfriend until later?" The Reaper asked, rolling his eyes and chuckling as his son's face turned bright red, playing all the right strings to get him aggravated. "Besides, look, your poor mother is crying. We have to take care of her first! Where are your manners, Mister I'm-In-Love-Sadie-Kane?"

"Shut up, Father…" he mumbled. They proceeded to have an argument with hand motions and mouthing angry words at one another until the boy eventually joined his parents in their hug. His mother began to cry all over again, speaking in that strange different language as she hugged her son.

"Shh… Look, everyone's back together now, see?" The Reaper said, stroking his wife's hair as he kissed her head. "You don't have to cry anymore!"

"She's happy, you idiot!" the boy snapped.

"I'm so glad… I'm so relieved that we can finally live like a normal family…" she sniffled, emerging from his shoulder. She smiled at him and pulled their son in closer. "Set, I…"

"Stop talking or you'll start crying all over again! We get it! Or do I have to stop the talking for you?" The other men were enjoying this, all of them tearing up as The Reaper kissed his wife and their son found his way out of the cell awkwardly. The Reaper lifted his wife into his arms and carried her bridal style. "If you won't stop crying, I'll have to carry you the way Ozzy and I did when we were kids!"

"No! Set!" His wife laughed. "I'll do anything! Come on! I love you!"

"I love you, too, Neph. Now let's go see how that Carter Kane is doing, huh? I hear someone in New York destroyed the world!" And with that, he turned and left the cell with his wife in his arms. Suddenly, Frosty leapt up from his corner of the floor and ran to the entrance to the cell.

"Set!" he called. The Reaper spun around.

"Yeah?"

"Why is your son white?" Spoons slapped him.

"Oh my God, Frosty! You can't just ask people why they're white!"

"This is no time for questions! Can't you see I need to tend to my lady and shower her in affection? All your questions shall be answered when I take over the world! Hahaha!" The Reaper looked down at his wife. "Just kidding, honey, I'm not actually serious. That was just a phase. Now laugh with me! Hahahaha!" Frosty picked up the set of prison keys from the ground and jingled them at his mates.

"Who's up for a little mischief?" he asked, a naughty glint in his eyes. The others mimicked his smile.

"Frosty, what's gotten into you?" Spoons asked, sending a chill down Leo's spine. Gods, he was creepy! Frosty just smiled and laughed.

"I am the monster parents tell their children about at night."

* * *

The Olympians sat around the table in a meeting room provided by the hotel, Zeus, Poseidon and Hades seated at the head. The brothers had been bailed out that afternoon by Hermes and Athena, instead of that evening because, quote Hestia, Aithera needed Hades or else no one in the province of Ontario would sleep that night. Currently, the day-old goddess was sleeping in her scarf and blanket in Hades' arms, which he was glad for, since being in prison with your two little brothers can be rather nerve destroying and holding a baby helps you feel better, but also so no one would yell and start an avalanche of pipes bursting or thunder storms in February when she woke up.

"I didn't say anything yesterday because of the… eventfulness that came with it." Zeus began, glancing over at Aithera. "But… Hades has once again proved that he is the strongest drinker on Olympus when it comes to foreign alcohol." Persephone clapped from the other end of the table beside Demeter, who was careful to avoid her I.V as she placed her daughter's hands on her lap. "However, he has also won against me in a bet." Zeus continued. "The conditions of that bet were very simple; the winner has the right to do whatever they please to the other, regardless of what the other thinks. Surely, by now, you are aware that Hades has attempted this several times before over the course of our staying here, embarrassed himself by losing repeatedly, but now, he has finally prevailed." The room was quiet, stiff and tense. No one seemed to be breathing; the only sound to hear was Chiron's tail swishing quietly against the wall as he surveyed the demigods he had specifically been asked to bring with him to the emergency meeting; Percy, Annabeth, Piper, the Stolls, Nico, Will Solace for some reason and a very tired Thalia, having just come in with the Hunters of Artemis from their trip across the US and rubbing the bandage covering her beaver bite. Luckily, she hadn't run into any polar bears. "Hades will now ruin our lives. You may now cancel the insurance on each of your thrones and palaces." Zeus sighed, seating himself as Hades rose beside him. It was difficult to look menacing while holding a baby, but Hades somehow managed it.

"For the record, Zeus, I am not that mean." He began. "As satisfying as the position as ruler of a whole pantheon sounds, eons of experience have taught me that the last thing I will ever want to do is live under the same roof as Demeter and babysit a bunch of small children trapped in adult bodies." Hermes, Apollo and Ares snickered. "Not only that, but if I took such actions, I'm certain the lot of you would have a rebellion planned and have me dead within a matter of seconds of leaving Olympus. Then there would be the other pantheons to deal with and all the paper work and, perhaps the worst part, Mother Rhea." All the Olympians shuttered. "Not only that," Hades continued. "But it would cause much pain for Persephone that I would die before causing." Hestia sniffled. "Hestia?"

"Sorry, sorry… That was just so sweet!"

"You'll never win her back from me with complements, jerk face!" Demeter snorted, her arm around Persephone, who was singing softly in Italian as she braided her I.V cords. Hades let his shoulders drop a little, relaxing. The old Olympian spirit was coming back, making his job a little easier.

"So, without disrupting any godly rules and to make us thoroughly enjoy our time here," Hades said, clearing his throat. "You are not to yell, scream, transform into your godly forms or spout haikus. The twelve Olympians will be performing in a talent show."

Crickets.

Greek Crickets.

Greek Crickets eating Greek yogurt.

Greek Crickets eating yogurt, playing the Greek lyre.

Greek Crickets in the Greek country side.

Happy, little, Ancient Greek Crickets.

No one yelled, screamed, transformed into their godly forms or spouted haikus. The tension in a room full of divine beings was enough to make Percy's ears ring, the room humming with power and buzzing off the walls. Hera's coffee mug shattered, Athena's glasses broke, Hermes' winged shoes fluttered, Poseidon's trident shimmered like water, Ares farted. No one dared to breathe or blink. Percy and Annabeth exchanged quick eye contact. They knew that even the demigods would be involved somehow and would live to regret it for the rest of their lives.

"It's better than another Great Prophecy, right?" Hades responded, trying to lighten the mood as he himself tried very hard not to laugh at the stupid looks the Olympians were giving him. Oh, it was his favorite expression. You know, the one that said they wanted to murder him? It didn't help matters at all, the room filling with more angry godly energy, Aithera squirming in her blanket and whining. Apollo cheered. Everyone fixed their murder stares at him at the same time as Aithera began crying.

"She's awake now, so that means I can yell." Z eus began, turning on his brother and pulling his Master Bolt out of thin air. "You could have-"

"Stop! Stop! Time out!" Poseidon cried, stepping between them and taking Aithera from Hades. "Now, you may kill each other."

"You could have taken my seat of power, kept your wife forever or even become supreme Lord of the Universe, but instead, you're making us do a talent show?!" Zeus screamed, banging his fist on the table and cracking it in half. "What kind of idiot are you?! I didn't know they made people this stupid! You're making us do silly little circus acts so you can be entertained while we're in Canada, you tried so hard to beat us in bets that could have ended horribly on your end, and yet this is all you do?!" Hades nodded.

"Now, if you wouldn't mind, stop yelling. You're scaring Aithera." He replied, watching as Poseidon tried to calm her down. "The rules to this game are simple. You will be divided into randomly drawn teams of two, so there will be six teams in total. Each round of performing will include the elimination the team that was least liked by the crowd, and after your first round… Let's just say I will be making it a little more difficult for you. Since history established that gods can't complete their little jobs or quests on their own, the demigods will be helping you piece together a little act, two per team. Also, you may not do an act in the same category as another team; for example, there cannot be two groups doing comedy and two doing magic acts. You will need to decide your act category by tomorrow evening at the latest, though I am not forcing you to work on these now. You will have one week to prepare yourselves starting tomorrow. I believe that's it. Now, take these cards." A dozen floating cards appeared magically in front of the Olympians, hovering in the air. "Find the person with the same number on their card after this meeting has been concluded. Demigods-"

"Oh, hold on a moment. It looks like you're a little short on numbers." Hera began, placing her hands to her temples and closing eyes. Percy had a sneaking suspicion that she was the only other immortal in the room who was actually enjoying herself. "I've been meaning to do this for a while, anyway."

"Hera." Zeus began, glancing at her cautiously. "What are you doing?"

"Shopping." His wife answered. "I'll take that one… No, not that one… Or that one, I'm certain he's psychotic… Oh! Two for one deal! Who could pass that up?" She clapped her hands in front of her. "Sold! Zeus, I must borrow your Master Card."

"Hera." She made a pouty face.

"Come on! You know Iris charges triple for service like this!"

"What did you buy?"

"Not what, dear, who. But fine, be that way. I'll just use Poseidon's."

"What?! How did you get that?" Hera pulled out the ocean themed card from her pocket.

"Hermes!" she chimed. Hermes smiled and waved at Poseidon. Aithera laughed. Hera was rubbing off on her already.

Suddenly, there was a large poof of sparkles in the middle of the room. When they died down, the first revealed Jason, who was wearing nothing but a lightning bolt printed towel around his waist, which was dangerously close to falling off, while he dried his hair with another, singing very out of tune.

"_Long ago in Ancient Greece,_

_There were monsters roaming everywhere,_

_People need a hero so they don't get eaten,_

_Look over there! Could it be?_

_Yes! No! Yes!_

_It's HERCULES!_

_HERCULES!_

_Busts Heads!_

_With his really strong muscles and cool lion skin!_

_He will defeat any monster and slay any beast!_

_And beat the crap out of Hera's traps!_

_He's... HERCULES!"_

"_Cool lion skin_ comes before _strong muscles_." Zeus said. "If your voice is that bad, you can at least get the lyrics right." Percy was willing to bet Jason jumped at least a good foot in the air. Also, he wasn't sure whether to be highly amused or eternally scarred. Jason screamed.

"Dad? Where are you?" Hera pursed her lips.

"Oh, that's right. Glasses. I forgot he was trying to make it diverse so everyone could fit in." she said, innocently. She snapped her fingers and Jason's glasses appeared on his nose. He screamed even louder now that he could see everyone who was in the room. Piper was looking away, trying desperately to hide how red her face had gotten. Aphrodite whistled appreciatively. Luckily for Jason, the attention was turned away from him fairly quickly when a second explosion of sparkles appeared beside him. When it vanished, the Olympians and co. stared in awe at the two demigods before them.

Hazel and Frank were kissing. No, scratch that. They were making out. Very passionately. Frank was also shirtless. Aphrodite was hyperventilating and frantically fanning herself.

"Frazel!" she squeed, so high that no one could hear her. They kept at it for about two minutes. No one stopped them as the atmosphere in the room grew increasingly awkward. Nico and Hades looked like they were ready to blast Frank into the Underworld. Eventually, Ares, very silently, stood behind Frank and cleared his throat loudly.

Frank screamed. Hazel screamed. Frank screamed and turned into an ostrich and attempted to bury his head in the non-existent sand. He hit the ground so hard that he turned back into a very dazed Frank.

Hazel screamed and made a huge diamond explode from the ground behind her, nearly hitting Apollo in the head. She curled up in a little Hazel ball on the ground and tried to calm herself from the scare.

"Dad!" Frank began, stammering, his face very red. "I… I mean… Um… We… Uh… You… I…" Ares placed his hand on Frank's shoulder.

"Listen, Frank, I'm not mad at you." He began. He leaned in so close to Frank that it made them both feel uncomfortable. "I just want you to know that next time you guys kiss, push a little harder." Ares began, making the situation twice as awkward. "Women, I mean, they're like vipers! Us men, we're cobras, but them women, they kiss like, well… Vipers."

"Dad, you say that like you've actually kissed a viper before. Do you know what that feels like?"

"Do you?"

"No!"

"Well, no, I have never kissed a snake. Wait… Well…" he furrowed his brow as if in deep thought. "There was that one time when your mom and I were snuggling and I hit her in the leg and she turned into a boa constrictor."

"Dad, I don't need to hear about that."

"Actually, I think you were born, like, nine months later…"

"Dad!"

"Silence!" Zeus yelled. Everyone but Aithera obeyed. Quickly, Hades explained the rules of the talent show again while Piper ran to get Jason some new clothes fit for the Canadian climate and Poseidon made funny faces with Aithera. Meanwhile, Hera was doing another headcount.

"Oh, darn it." she muttered to herself. "We're still one short. Does anyone have any suggestions?"

"How about that kid from the coffee shop?" Hades asked. "He was fun! I can't remember his name, though… It sounded cold…"

"No, I think we should get Reyna. I like her." Piper said.

"No, she can't." Jason began. "She's got her hands full at Camp since Frank and I are gone."

"It's a shame that Valdez boy burned up." Hera mused. "He really isn't much use to us now, is he?" Over in the corner, Hephaestus burst into tears. "And he did so well not being burnt up when he was a baby, too…" she continued. "You know, I considered dumping gasoline on him once, just to see how it would work. Though, I suppose the explosions did help speed things up a little…"

"Mommy, stop!"

"Hephaestus, grow up! But, it really is a shame he won't just miraculously come back to life… Right, Hephie-poo?"

"Actually…" Percy began, managing to speak before the forge god drowned himself in another wall of tears. "We got a ton of postcards at the border, and all of them are addressed to me and the others… and we think they're from Leo, judging by the amount of pictures with Leo in them, and we checked with Hades and apparently you can't send postcards from, well, hell."

"So that was you!" Hades said, recalling the events from when he and his brothers went drunk bowling. Hera pursed her lips and furrowed her brow.

"I don't believe you. I'm going to need some proof. I watched him die, and I almost laughed, but I didn't. Proof. Now. That's an order, Jackson. Do you want to lose your memory again?" She laughed. "Oh, look, Jason's trembling! How cute!" Percy pulled a wad of crumpled postcards and photos from his pocket and began to flip through them, standing before Hera in her seat.

"Here's one of him and… Oh gods… Is that Calypso?!"

"Calypso?" Annabeth chided.

"Nothing!" Percy replied.

"Eeeeee!" Aphrodite fangirled. "They got together! I honestly, like, forgot about, like, Calypso after, like, Battle of the, like, Labyrinth, but OMU! CALEO!"

"Anyway," Percy continued, quickly. "Here's one of them in… Greece. Flipping the bird at a statue of…" he flipped the postcard over. "Hera, it seems. Umm… Here's one in Rome… Mooning a statue of Juno… Great… This is the Smithsonian, biting their thumbs at a statue of Zeus this time… Wait, you're there, too, My Lady… Uh…" Hera grabbed the postcards.

"I think that's quite enough proof, Jackson."

"Wait…" Frank said, finally picking up on what was going on. "Leo's alive? But, we had a funeral for him and everything!"

"Well…" Annabeth grumbled. "That never stopped Percy." He mouthed a quick I love you to her, who raised her eyebrows back at him.

"But, how?"

"The death potion thingy!" Piper exclaimed. "I'd forgotten about that!"

"Sneaky little…" Hephaestus chuckled, before launching into a full blown evil laugh, which sounded strikingly a lot like Hera's. His hair caught fire.

Poseidon shot a bubble of water at him, which popped over his head and extinguished the flames. Aithera cooed and began to reach up for Poseidon's hand, looking for more bubbles.

"Hey, you don't think that Mexican kid in the cell across from us could have been Leo, could it?" Hades asked Zeus, who regained his place in his chair as Hera used magic to fix the table. "We must have gotten too used to seeing Mexicans in prison and mixed up our thoughts so we believed we were in the States…"

"Yes, Hades, I figured that much." Zeus grumbled, waving his hand to shoo him away. "Hermes, go bail him out." Hermes rose from his chair and strapped on his winged helmet. "Hermes?"

"Yes, Dad?"

"I said bail out, not break out." Hermes laughed and nodded.

"No promises!" With that, he left the room in a streak of golden light as his winged shoes took him as quickly as they could carry him.

"Demigods, I guess I can tell you about your part in all this." Hades said, taking his seat again along with everyone else, eying the crowd at the back of the room. "We cannot confirm to what degree these immortals will be able to work together with one another, much less how well they can pull off the performance of their choosing," he began. "And since our largest priority with money now is keeping Camp Half-Blood alive and helping the other immortals who are making do with what they can, we cannot hire trainers or choreographers. If we did… Zeus would probably have a few new children by the end of the year and the police might become involved in the mist we have done so well to cover us up. Since you have already been exposed to…" He chose his words carefully. "The gods when they are not acting arrogant during a quest while in your presence, you will be helping them put together whatever they can." He snapped his fingers. "As such, you have been paired to a god or goddess accordingly, mostly based on parentage and wherever you should make it out alive." He said as small cards appeared before each of the demigods in the air. "Don't freak out, yet." Hades continued. "This will be a lovely surprise for everyone and we've also finally gotten Aithera content, so the mortal who screams Bloody Murder will-"

"Crap! I didn't get paired with Dad!" Connor yelled, stamping his foot. Poseidon had one of his bubbles blasted at his face within seconds before Aithera could react. She cowered in the side of her blanket and scarf and hugged her arms close to her. Poseidon's nose crinkled.

"Here, Hades, heard you like riches." He managed, gagging as he passed Aithera to Hades, who immediately regretted the sign of affection.

"Oh, look, Hades, she inherited acid-poo from you." Zeus grumbled, his head in his hands.

"Wait, did Zeus and Hera-" Jason began, interrupted by a sharp response from his father and step-mother.

"Then, it's Hades and Persepho-" Hazel began, when she received mixed responses from the king and queen of the Underworld.

"Poseidon's. Too cute to be-"

"We will explain later." Hades growled, hushing Frank while trying to keep Aithera from screaming. "You are all dismissed." Thankfully, the gods had the decency to disappear from the room magically, while Chiron ushered the demigods, some of which were looking a tad too traumatized by their pairings, out of the conference room and shut the door, leaving hades standing alone in a room full of scattered empty chairs around a table and an atomic bomb in his arms. Aithera looked to him for support, not receiving it as she began to cry and sent a shock down his spine. "It's alright, Aithera, you'll be fine… Everyone- scratch that, no one does that… Oh gods, what did Hestia feed you…"

* * *

"So, who's going in there to bail him out?"

"Hazel, you do it. You're black."

"What? I can't pass for Mexican! Why don't you do it? You're the one who can change your body at will!"

"Honey, Hazelnut, if I go in there and manage to get Lemon out, the poor boy will have no flowering clue what's going on and ruin the whole wheat scheme."

"Demeter, enough with the garden puns, alright?" Hestia sighed, popping open the door to Demeter's car. "We came here to bail Leo out, and that's what we'll do. If you guys won't do it, I will."

"And how will you do that?" Demeter asked, watching as her sister struggled to unbuckle the car seat she sat in as an eight year old. "Use your cuteness to force the guard into giving him up?" Hestia looked up at her sister with her tongue sticking out of the front of her lips as she fought with the belt.

"Precisely." Hestia's plan was to finish unbuckling and leave the car with perfectly executed timing, like in those action movies she secretly liked to watch when Doctor Who was on reruns. However, she ended up creating a pre-tantrum in the back seat, banging her hands on the sides of her car seat and letting her body tense in defeat to the horrors of child protection buttons and buckles.

"Here, My Lady, I'll help you." Hazel, who was seated in the back because Demeter said that thirteen year-olds weren't allowed in the front seat or dating sixteen year-old children of Mars, replied as she unhocked the buckle with ease. Hestia's cheeks puffed up as she left the vehicle in a flustered state. The girls watched as she walked up to the office doors of a huge prison estate, her cloak bobbing up and down as she walked.

"Isn't she cute?!" Demeter asked.

"I guess…" Meanwhile, Hestia had made her way inside to a nice lobby, and by nice she meant as mediocre as lobbies can get. Except this one smelt like Tylenol. Hestia knew that smell well. The man at the desk, who was reading a newspaper, folded it down in half sharply when he heard her footsteps. Ah, perfect creases. Hestia knew she was going to like this man with the thick black hair and eye brows, green eyes and a perfectly ironed black suit.

"Good evening, little one." He began, leaning over the counter to see her as he adjusted his thick rimmed black glasses. "What brings you to a place like this? You didn't push your friend off the monkey bars, did you?" Hestia shook her head. She loved to laugh internally when adult mortals had no sweet clue what was really going on, especially at the grocery store.

"Actually, I came to bail someone out!" The man's smile stiffened.

"You're the second odd character I've seen in here today…" he muttered, but continued playing along as he turned to a computer. "Who would you like to bail out, little one?"

"His name is Leo Enrique Samuel Valdez." She began, putting her hands on top of the counter and pulling herself up in a childish way. The man's brow furrowed heavily as he typed his name into the computer. This child wasn't joking after all.

"Listen, sweetie, you need to be an adult or relative to be able to bail him out. Are you related?" Hestia nodded. "And what is your name?"

"Uhh…" Hestia drew blanks. Spanish names? What was a Spanish name that didn't sound really horrible and clichéd? "Chica!" she finally answered. "Yeah, I'm his little sister, Chica Valdez! I'm eight and Leo's sixteen and we live in Mexico City in Mexico-"

"Right… I'm certain you do." The guard looked through the file he had on Leo. Houston, Texas certainly wasn't his idea of the capital of Mexico. "Listen, we have a very difficult job to do here at the prison, and it's no place for little girls like you to come running in and wasting our time. Especially those who lie to us. Frankly, little one, you look nothing like him if you're his sister."

"How's this?" Hestia pulled her hood over her head and came out with darker skin. "_Messico! Spagnolo! Pasta_!" The man at the desk cocked his brow and tapped his hands on the counter, not impressed. "My father was white..?" she offered.

* * *

"I'm so sorry!" Hestia managed, hugging Demeter. "I couldn't get him out because I'm white and too little and Hera always said that Spanish and Italian were the same thing-"

"Shh… you're okay. We'll just have to break in there and get him out ourselves!" Demeter exclaimed, letting the large backpack she was wearing slide from her shoulders. "I've had plenty of practise with this kind of stuff! Who says Hermes is the only Olympian able to travel freely from the Underworld, hmm?"

"And you call Hades a stalker…" Hazel managed, watching as Demeter handed out black body suits. After discovering that she and Hephaestus had been paired together for the talent show, Hazel had been deemed a member of their group, as well as Leo, who was still currently in jail. Hermes, being too lazy to do another high speed dash into a Canadian February to bust Leo out of the new prison he had been moved to, had told them they would have to do it themselves. Thus, Demeter brought Hazel and Hestia along for the ride, figuring she could use Hestia if they needed to fit through some tight vent systems.

"Okay, ladies, here's the plan." Demeter began, pulling out her phone. "Hephaestus managed to get the layout of this place for us, so if you look closely, you can see a ventilation system that leads straight to the cells. The only problem is we will have to bust through a heating system to get inside-"

"Or we could just use that window." Hestia suggested, pointing to a section of the map. "What if we climbed in and scaled down the wall? Wouldn't that be easier than getting into a vent and having no way down but killing Hazel in the process?"

"Or I could just dig us in." Hazel suggested. The two goddesses looked up at her as if she had just asked if either of them would mind sleeping with Zeus for the night. "I can pretty much pinpoint all the metals inside the prison and under it, so I would have to use my senses to dig us in, but after that, we should be able to get in without setting off any alarms, like trying to open the cell doors. And it means no one will get killed even if the tunnel collapses." Demeter and Hestia looked nervously at one another.

"There's just a… slight problem, dear." Demeter began. "Hestia and I… we're a bit claustrophobic."

"And that doesn't mean we're afraid of Santa, in case you feel up to being a jerk like Zeus." Hestia snapped. "Lucky little chosen one…"

"You mean because of Kronos' stomach?" Hazel asked. The goddesses nodded.

"I suppose I might be alright," Demeter said. "But Hestia was at the bottom of the five of us, and I was only stuck under Poseidon and Hera. Gods, those boys kick hard…"

"Would it be easier if we split up?" Hazel asked. "I mean, Demeter, you're technically an earth goddess, right? Going underground wouldn't hurt, and Hestia could take her way in through the window."

"How about we just make up our minds before I freeze to death?" Hestia asked, impatiently, her teeth chattering as she pulled her hood around her tightly. "I just want to get back in the car with Leo and go home to a nice warm hearth and make sure Hera hasn't done something traumatizing to Aithera or skinned Mr. Fluff…" Demeter sighed.

"I guess that works. Hazel, you'd better be ready to dig, because I didn't bring a shovel-" Hazel looked at the ground below her and made a nice little Hazel and Demeter sized hole appear, meaning that it was a very large hole for a larger goddess. Demeter blinked and nodded. "Well," she said to Hestia. "We'll meet up with you inside." Hestia nodded and ran off toward the window, trying to be stealthy Hestia.

"If you're technically a goddess of earth," Hazel began, sliding into the hole. "Can you seal up the tunnel behind us? Just the entrance; we don't need anyone finding it."

"I can." Demeter jumped down after her, closing the tunnel entrance and feeling her claustrophobia kick in. "How are we going to get oxygen? What if we run out?"

"Don't panic, and we shouldn't be down here for more than five minutes, anyway." Hazel closed her eyes and concentrated. There weren't many jewels in the earth, but she could pick out thousands of different metals, varying from your average pipeline to bullets from old guns. She held her hand out in front of her as they made their way down the tunnel with bent backs, nothing visible to her eyes. When they hit the wall, she examined the area around them, created a black outline in her mind, letting her powers pick up bits of metal, pipes and the construction of the building and making them appear as respective white dots on her radar. Despite the cold air that once blew outside, it became very hot quickly in the tunnel as Hazel pushed against the wall and dug them down in a zig-zagging path around pipes and large rocks. After two or so minutes of remaining quiet, Demeter spoke up.

"Hazel…" she panted, half from claustrophobia and half from the heat. "Where are we..?"

"Under the… We're under the building."

"How long ago did we go in?"

"Just this last push… from where the tunnel let us in, I'd say we're at… something like being under an interrogation room… I can feel tables and chairs-"

"Hazel? Hazel, are you alright?!" Demeter caught her as she fell backwards into her arms.

"I'm fine… don't yell, it'll shorten the oxygen, but we still have plenty… I just fell because I'm lightheaded. I've never had to dig a tunnel this long before with an entrance sealed… and for that matter, I'm breathing as little as I can to conserve the oxygen. I know you're a goddess, but you have to breathe, too."

"Hazel, honey, don't force yourself-"

"I have to! I can feel a very large amount of metal ahead… maybe three, no, four more tunnels and we should make it to Leo." Hazel let her brow relax a little. It was easier to sense where they were now, since the metal practically came to her since there was so much of it. Would Leo have anything metallic on him? They would have surely confiscated his tool belt, and he didn't have any piercings or metal stuck within his body… or did he.

Hazel had sensed the special metals Leo had used to build Festus, his dragon. During the battle against Gaea, both Leo and the dragon had blown up from the impact, hadn't they? If Leo was alive, was it possible he had a fragment of godly metal inside his body? What about drachma? Would he have any of that left?

"Lady Demeter…" she began, reaching back until their hands touched. "I need you to hold on to me. This is going to be dangerous, but I'm going to search for Leo."

"What do you mean? Hazel, I'm not going to let you put yourself in any danger-"

"Think of it like a radar scan." Hazel urged, finding Demeter's shoulder against her back. "I'm going to see if any of the prisoners have some type of godly metal inside their bodies or on their person, but it will be hard. There's so much metal that it'll hurt, but…"

"Hazel, I can't let you do this. What if you get hurt?"

"Then at least we know where Leo is. After all, we only have one shot at coming above ground to avoid a riot." Hazel felt Demeter's arms slide under hers as she rested her back against her chest.

"I won't let you get hurt, you understand?" Demeter began, sounded very motherly. "If I feel you emitting too much power, I'm stopping you." Hazel closed her eyes and focused. Demeter held her arms tightly, and began having a flashback and Hazel began panting and breathing heavier than before, a few moans escaping before she grit her teeth, trying to hide them. In her flashback, she remembered holding Persephone a similar way on her lap, her small arms held fast by those of her mother's as she clenched her legs between her own, trying to keep her still as she cried. Apollo was treating her foot as Persephone screamed in the way children do when they know pain will come to them shortly as he picked little rocks from a large cut in her foot.

"_No! No, Mommy, no!" Persephone yelled, thrashing her head across Demeter's upper chest. "Stop it! No! It hurts! Let me go! Make it stop, Mommy! Let go of me! Mommy!"_

"_Persephone, calm yourself this instant!" Demeter hissed. "You're only making the pain worse by screaming, darling. Take deep breaths; it'll be over very soon, Mommy promises."_

"_Mommy, how could you do this to me?!"_

"_Persephone! That is enough! Everything will be alright."_

"_You said you'd always protect me but now you're not! Make it stop, Mommy!"_

"_Persephone," Apollo began, rubbing some ointment on a cloth. "Would you rather it hurt a lot now or hurt a lot more later?"_

"_I want you to cut my foot off so I don't hurt anymore and so you don't need to touch my foot because when a foot comes off it doesn't belong to anybody!" Persephone screamed, thrashing even more violently with her whole body. Apollo withdrew the cloth he was prepared to press to her wound._

"_Very well; I shall do as you request." A large pair of sharp scissors appeared in his hand as he held them opened around Persephone's ankle. Persephone screamed and kicked more violently than before, trying to hide her face in Demeter's chest without avail. Demeter released the hold on her daughter's legs and pulled Persephone close to her against her chest as she cried._

"_We won't do that." She said. "Mommy won't allow it. Mommy said she would protect you. Apollo's going to put some medicine on your foot, and it will hurt, but Mommy will hold you just like this so it doesn't hurt anymore, alright?" Persephone shook her head. Apollo put the medicine on anyway. As they left, Persephone cried into Demeter's shoulder as she carried her home. "Mommy won't let you down or let anymore bad things happen, alright, darling?" Demeter had said once her crying had slowed to a stop. Persephone only buried her head deeper away from the world._

Demeter jerked on Hazel's arms, pulling her upward and then back down quickly to loosen her focus. The stones at their feet were rumbling, Hazel's body wet with sweat, her breathing too heavy.

"Hazel!" Demeter managed, her breathing becoming heavier from the heat. "Hazel, can you hear me? Say something! Hazel!" Hazel only grunted once in between her pants as Demeter rolled her against her chest and lowered her to the ground, leaning against the goddess' knee. "We don't have any food down here, either… What we need is oxygen." The wall of dirt in front of them rumbled and fell back, making the tunnel wider. Demeter pulled Hazel's hand away, making her stop. "Stop that!" she hissed. "You'll only make it harder to breathe if the oxygen spreads!"

"Mo… mmy…" she heaved, her breathing shaking as her head rolled against Demeter's chest. Even though she could only hear her voice, Demeter felt something rush through her; a desire she recognized and knew too well to be healthy. Protect. She lifted Hazel back into her arms and made her way to the more narrow tunnel Hazel had managed to make. Her head began to spin and her heart began to race. The heat, the lack of air, Hazel's body pushing against hers and she tried to find a cold spot, it all reminded her of her time in Kronos' stomach, though with a lot more slime and wiggling bodies and hopeless crying. Demeter leaned against the wall and pushed it with her shoulder, urging it to move. It did, giving them at least twelve feet of space. Hazel's breathing became more intense as she tried to say something, but it came out in gasps and vowel sounds.

"Hazel, are we near the cells?" Demeter asked, her voice trembling. The tunnels she had made where narrower and tighter than Hazel's, also containing bits of larger rock on the floor and many pipes running along the roof, making the already difficult to manage ducking below them to pass even harder. The darkness around them was beginning to blur in her eyes, mixing with the claustrophobia to create a wonderful chance to puke all her fears that churned in her stomach. She felt Hazel nod and grab Demeter's hand. After a few steps that Demeter could barely manage, Hazel squeezed her hand.

"Now!" she managed. Demeter reached her hand up to the roof and pushed, the ground rippling like water at her fingers above them.

They emerged inside an empty cell, Demeter pushing Hazel above ground as she grabbed the air and let it fill her lungs again, the cool air hitting her so hard that her head spun twice as much as it had with the lack of oxygen. Demeter climbed out after her, crawling to a corner of the room and resting her back against the wall, letting the claustrophobia pass.

"Lady… Demeter…" Hazel panted, rolling over to face her. "Are… you alright? Hurt? You look… really pale…"

"I'm fine…" she replied. "Worry… about yourself… Mortal girls like you… shouldn't be digging tunnels…" They fell silent quickly as a door creaked open and loud footsteps entered, echoing outside in the halls off the concrete walls.

"That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." a male voice said. Hazel mouthed and nodded at Demeter. Leo was in this room.

"What?" another asked, much deeper than Leo's and carrying a fading accent. "The prison food? It took a little getting used to when I showed up, but I can say they've improved."

"Or maybe it's because The Reaper isn't in here chanting those strange spells of his to make it taste… so old…"

"You oughta try it sometime, Butch. I'm sure you'd do great if you don't cut up the lunch lady."

"Hey, the kid never finished. What's not as bad as you thought? Sleepin' in a cell with us?"

"No. Bathing with a bunch of grown men." Hazel held back her laughter as she watched several grown men and Leo enter the cell across from the one in which they hid, luckily not being seen in the darkness as she scooted over to Demeter, who put her arm around her and held her close to her. She reminded Hazel of her mother when she was still herself, but now wasn't the time to think about that. The guard exchanged some words of caution as he locked the cell door and left, leaving the room in darkness. A small light flickered on across the hall in Leo's cell as he sat on the bed with two other men, one huge muscular guy covered in tattoos that would have made Ares run for Hera and another who looked quite handsome with pale skin and his black hair off his face. Hazel thought they looked like a bunch of girls at a slumber party the way they all fit in snuggly in one cell.

"Someday, you'll be like us, son." One of them said. "Big and hairy and strong."

"Sorry, who said that?" Leo asked.

"That was me." There was a pause. "Scar."

"Oh, sorry, I can't see because that light only covers a foot." They were silent. "Do you guys… promise you won't freak out, alright?"

"What, kid? You gonna try something?"

"No, no way, just… I'm cold and I can't see anything, and doing this relaxes me, but you can't freak out, alright?" Hazel watched as Leo's hand reached out to turn off the light. They sat in darkness until the men began to gasp as a small spark lit where Leo's hand had been. It moved slowly to the center as it got bigger, brighter, hotter, louder.

"No way…" Hazel could see it was the handsome man who had spoken. "You can… summon fire?"

"I can control it, too." He replied, placing his other hand over the flames and splitting it between his palms. "Are you sure you won't melt if I put this close to you, Frosty?" The other man chuckled and shook his head.

"You're fine. I like it; it's warm."

"Did they put you in jail for that, kid?" another asked. "If I were them, you would have gone straight into a laboratory or some school for gifted youngsters… Tell you what. When we get out of here using that magic fire power of yours, let's open a fire powered restaurant and make a fortune." Leo laughed.

"Nah, this isn't how I got arrested, and I've got a girl to go back for, so the restaurant's out. A lot has happened, so I have to stay alert until it blows over. You aren't going to believe how I got arrested-"

"Well, I don't think any of us are believing you can summon fire." The big man said. "Now that I think about it… Afrodita mentioned fire once. She was complaining about something, or someone, and… whatever. Whatever crazy way you got arrested can't be half as crazy to us now that we've seen you summon fire." Leo shrugged.

"Okay. I got caught flying the metal dragon I built across the border illegally without a license and carrying strange substances." The other men stared at him. "I didn't make that stuff up. It's true, I swear-"

"We're calling this kid, this Leo Valdez, Vulcan." The Water Boy said proudly, placing his hand on Leo's shoulder, who did not look too pleased to have his muscles crushed. "From today forth, he is a part of our brotherhood."

"Hey, just a question, but why Vulcan?" Leo asked. Hazel could tell that they were both holding in laughter. The Water Boy leaned in to him and eyed the other men.

"Afrodita used to tell me countless legends about the gods of Rome and the heroes of Greece, and over and over, she brought up this fella named Vulcan while talking about another named Mars. The Greeks called him something else, but it was too long and confusing to remember. He was the Roman god of fire and blacksmith to the gods of Olympus. He was also married to Venus, the most beautiful goddess of all. I used to make my Afrodita laugh by saying her beauty exceeded that of Venus, and it always made her smile…" he sighed. "If those gods were real, I would have them bring her back to me. All these years… it must be at least a little over twenty… I haven't heard a word from her."

"My Lady," Hazel whispered, wiggling her arm from Demeter's grasp. She was hugging her awfully close. "I'm going to catch Leo's attention… then we can get out of here through the tunnel."

"What do you mean?"

"Watch; I'm sure he picked apart that cell door hours ago." Hazel focused and felt the tug in her body harder than usual. She winced. They would be in trouble if she needed to use anymore of her powers on the way out. Across from their cell, a small topaz popped from the ground at Leo's feet, hitting against his shoe to catch his attention as the other men talked. The stone was very dark, almost brown. Leo's eyes lit up and he caught on immediately, standing slowly and looking out the cell doors, moving his fire around as he searched. He felt a tap on his shoulder. Frosty stood behind him, holding the stone in his hand.

"Over there." He whispered, pointing to Hazel and Demeter in the cell. Leo winked at her. Hazel made another topaz pop up as a signal. Frosty took it in his hands and examined them in the soft light of the flames. "I know." He said, before Leo could warn him about Hazel's cursed magic. "Can I keep these? There's someone I'm dying to prank." Hazel rolled her eyes and began to summon another stone, but Demeter pulled her back and held out her own hand. This time, small vines began to grow along the floor from where they sat, traveling out the bars of their cell door and across the floor. Leo watched as they spelt words; Step Back. He did as he was told and a hole opened in the earth, turning the hard concrete into soft soil as it led down. The rocks that surrounded the entrance to Hazel's tunnel shifted and a few fell in. Leo smiled. Now, they could get out without setting off an alarm.

"Guys, I-" he began, turning back to the other men, but Frosty thrust out his hand and knocked them unconscious with a rush of cold air.

"Just go; they don't need to know." He said, pushing Leo to the hole. "I'm your friend, son of Hephaestus, and Hermes' too. When you go back, would you mind telling him his friend is in jail? Not for much longer, mind you, but unable to check his phone." Leo nodded nervously as he slid into the hole, extinguishing his fire. Across the hall, Demeter scowled.

"Hazel, don't get muddled up with that guy." She hissed. "Those Norse are no good. Now, come. We're getting out of here. Make sure you hold my hand the whole time and do not let that Valdez boy light a fire inside the tunnel or we'll all burn up. I'm pleased we managed to get Leo out without setting off any alarms-"

Hestia came crashing down from the ceiling, her hood failing to provide proper support for a parachute.

* * *

"_Swords, spears, shields, which will he choose?_

_Nothing but his brute strength will win,_

_Winning the hearts of ladies all over,_

_Is he truly the strongest under Olympus?_

_Yes! No! Yes!_

_It's HERCULES!_

_HERCULES!_

_Busts Heads!_

_Wielding the powers of the gods in his fists!_

_He is the greatest warrior in all of Greece!_

_Even if Hera stands in his way, he will still win!_

_He's... HERCULES!"_

Zeus flicked off the TV.

"It worked." He said, pointing to Aithera, who was asleep in Hades' arms. "Pay up, Hera." His wife cocked her brow.

"Excuse me? I am not paying you for putting a baby to sleep using such a... a…"

"Horrible second season opening." Hades sighed, adjusting Aithera's scarf under her blanket. "Really, Zeus, it is a terrible idea for a lullaby, and I am not letting her near that show until she is six or at least understands the formula of an 80's TV show."

"I'm still amazed it put her to sleep." Hera said, looking down at Aithera as Hades stood from the couch in the lobby. "For the record, though, I did just feed her a bottle of hot nectar and she's up past her bedtime-"

"Then we will try again tomorrow evening with season three's opening, which is somewhat better than the first two, but… It's still awful." Zeus said.

"Maybe we could show her the Italian version?" Hades suggested. "Italy dubbed the whole series in 1987 and rewrote all the openings, lyrics and music. It's amazing even if you guys won't know what they're saying." Hera shrugged him off.

"I'm still not paying either of you. It was a stupid idea in the first place." She turned to Zeus. "I'm going to bed. You had better not take too long with Apollo. Here's the water you asked for." Hera huffed, placing a glass of water on the coffee table. "Good night, Zeus."

"Good night, Hera."

"Let me know how it went."

"I will."

"Good night, Aithera! See you tomorrow morning!" Hera cooed, patting Aithera's head before she disappeared.

"Have fun on your first night of being a father, Hades." Zeus called to his brother as he headed for the elevator.

"I should be fine." Hades replied, watching Aithera drool on part of his favorite black dress shirt from the corner of her mouth. Disgusting, but cute. "Demeter says she only cried twice during the night. And if she's anything like Poseidon, we've both gotten the earful about how well behaved they were." Zeus rolled his eyes. After Amphitrite had given birth, Poseidon became the dad that every other parent hated; the one who always talked about how cute and how well behaved their children were and how they liked it when Poseidon made little bubbles of water and were scared of sharks. The elevator opened and Hades stepped inside, Apollo stepping out. They engaged in a brief conversation before Apollo waved good bye and smiled.

"Good night, sunshine!" he cooed, hopefully waving at Aithera or else Zeus would have to get him checked and tested again. He pulled out his phone and began texting someone he hadn't messaged in a while; the one person who was always at the top of Apollo's recent contacts who he foolishly wasted his minutes on every day. "Hey, Daddy!" Apollo said, plopping himself beside his father on the couch. "Why'd you want to talk? If it's about Dionysus, don't worry! I know he can be a real arrow in the butt, but I'll manage! As long as I've got Billy-"

"No, Apollo. This is about your punishment." Apollo's smile faded, his face paling as he stared into his lap. "For revealing to the demigods the location of your son… what was his name again? Ass-Piss or something?"

"Asclepius." Apollo corrected, fidgeting with his hands. They were silent. "You know…" Apollo began. "I… I wasn't expecting you to have taken this long to think of a punishment. I mean, no offense, Daddy, but for the god of justice and law, you're a little slow."

"My mind isn't what it used to be; I haven't sent someone to the guillotine or dungeon for centuries. All the little ideas I have now are either completely inhumane, would possibly destroy the world or involve the creation of some horrid kind of new music while you're as high as Olympus." They laughed quietly. "Just stay calm, Apollo." Zeus continued, seeing how Apollo had begun to break out in a nervous sweat. "It's nothing painful or anything really that bad."

"Okay… yeah… I get it…" Zeus picked up the cup of water Hera had given him and handed it to Apollo.

"Calm down and drink some water. Knowing you, you'll over react if you aren't calm enough." He said as Apollo drank at least half of it, setting the cup on the table and wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his pyjamas.

"Okay, Dad. Get it over with. I'm ready." Apollo began, sternly, facing his father with one of the most serious looks Zeus had ever seen him give.

"Alright." He exhaled. "Your punishment is-" The elevator doors chimed open as Artemis stepped out, wearing an old fashioned night gown similar to Persephone's.

"I received your text, Father." She said as she joined them. She scowled when she saw her twin brother. "What's going on? Why do you need both of us?"

"I'm about to deliver Apollo's punishment." Zeus said. Artemis nodded, then processed it, looking back at her father. "Don't worry, you're alright."

"How come I get punished, then?" Apollo asked. "She told them about some of the formations Gaea had! Isn't it technically the same-"

"Apollo, for once, would you just shut up?" Artemis snapped.

They could feel something shift in the air, literally; Zeus' shoulders sagged as he sighed in relief, releasing the electricity that he had created in the air around them. He tried to keep a straight face, but began laughing to himself anyway.

Apollo opened his mouth to speak. Nothing came out. He clawed at his throat with his fingers and moved his lips, panicking. His voice had vanished. He couldn't speak. He couldn't recite, compose, sing; anything. He couldn't win the talent show he was destined to win.

Artemis took a moment to understand what had happened, taking multiple glances back and forth from her father and brother. When it clicked, she squealed like a little girl who had just gotten her first puppy and ran to her father, climbing onto his lap.

"I love you, Daddy!" she exclaimed, practically bouncing up and down on his knee the way she had once done when she was little. "I love you so much! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Daddy!" Zeus laughed and hugged her back, Artemis' body seeming to shrink from that of a twelve year-old to an excited five year-old. Apollo burst into tears and thrust a pillow to his face.

"Apollo, you may not speak until Artemis says you may." Zeus said. "It was Hera's idea; we spoke about how you would turn any sort of punishment we threw your way into something you could still be happy about, and even if we did find something torturous enough, you would never stop screaming or crying you woe. So, we decided to take that away from you." Artemis beamed and sat herself contently on Zeus' lap, now fully achieving a kindergartener's level of cuteness.

"Daddy, can you tuck me in like you used to?" she asked, kicking her legs excitedly. Zeus' heart melted. If Aithera grew up to be as cute as Artemis and as good at manipulation, he would be in a lot of trouble.

"Of course, my little huntress." Artemis cheered and leaned against his arms, closing her eyes. Apollo, meanwhile, had also changed form during his meltdown. The five year-old version of the god of music tugged on Zeus' housecoat sleeve, who sighed and pulled the tearful version of his son onto his lap beside his sister. "Come on, Apollo, enough with the crying." He said, watching as Apollo rubbed his eyes with the sleeves on his own pyjamas and leaned against his sister, taking her hand in his shaking one. Artemis glared at him.

"Boy cooties." She scowled.

"Now, now…" Zeus groaned, lifting the twins he was sure he would never be done raising into his arms as they stood. "Behave, children, and I'll tell you the story of how your mother and I met." Apollo hid his face in Zeus' shoulder and sobbed.

* * *

**And now, Apollo has been punished! Oh no!**

**After all the incredibly slow build up, the talent portion of this story begins in the next- no scratch that in the chapter after that! You guys get to have some demigod time after putting up with those childish gods! Prepare for the horros of sharing beds and awkward girl talk!**

_**"So, Aphrodite... Do goddesses have their... you know..."**_

_**"Babies, like, a few, like, months early because we're, like, goddesses? Like, mine just, like, pop up at random times in, like, random places after I have, like, sex."**_

_**"She meant if goddesses have their time of the month, Mother."**_

_**"OMM, like, Piper Freakin' McLean, do not roll your, like, eyes at, like, me. You're doing it wrong. Come here. Mommy will, like, show you how to do it and, like, mean business."**_

_**"Why couldn't my mother have come..?"**_

_**"Shut up, Annabeth. Like anyone wants to hear Athena talk about drugs again."**_


	8. Olympus Got Demigods!

**FORESHADOWING!**

**Thank you, Hermie.**

**No problem, Thennie! Well, actually, the foreshadowing does become a problem later on-**

**Hush. We will be going back to school in about a week, so we won't be updating as frequently, wihch isn't saying much because this story takes a long time to write, as we have been, but we will try to post another chapter before we go back for out senior year!**

**Also... there are some Aphrodirty moments in here... just a warning... so... read at your own risk! I had to put that here because Thennie has already whacked me several times... so...**

**DISCLAIMER**

**Rick isn't Chiron. Meaning he would never put Percy, Jason and Nico in the same hotel room with only two beds. Therefore, not Rick Riordan!**

* * *

"Well, this is awkward." Percy broke the silence first.

"You bet." Jason replied, sighing.

"Guys, it's not like I'm going to, you know, do anything to you." Nico finished, sounding a little tired. "But, yes, Percy, it will still be extremely awkward." The three boys stood in the room Percy and Nico had shared the previous night, and were now sharing with Jason because Chiron figured it was smart to put the three most powerful demigods on the premises in the same hotel room together. The only issue was the two beds that needed to be shared amongst three demigod males, all of which would be extremely hard to swallow if one slept with the other.

"Dude, just know that neither of us are hating on you or anything." Percy began, placing his hand on Nico's shoulder. "It's just that we don't want to make this uncomfortable for you."

"So, Nico can't sleep with Percy because that's just… awkward." Jason began.

"And I can't sleep with Jason because water conducts electricity, whatever that means, and Thalia warned me he's a kicker." Percy added.

"But I can't sleep with Jason for the same reason, kicker, I mean, and it's also just as awkward because I told Jason first." Nico finished.

"Why don't we just get a cot?" Jason rolled his eyes.

"Thank you, Lady Athena, but we can't exactly fit a cot in this tiny room. The girls got all the good ones downstairs and I'm sure the other guys who are stuck in our living situation already thought of the same thing a few days ago. Besides," He pointed to the second bed in the room. "We've already got one!"

"Hey, look, I'm okay sleeping with Percy." Nico furrowed his brow. "Gods, that sounded wrong… Wait, how do you know about the girl's rooms?"

"I had to give Piper a hand with something, relax!"

"A hand with what?"

"Shut the Hades up, Jackson."

"Hey, can we get away from the topic of sexual activities and just talk about sleeping together?" Nico punched himself in the arm. "That'll never not sound wrong, but I'm fine with going with Percy."

"Yeah, well, it'll be awkward for both of us either way, and that's the last thing I want." Percy replied.

"We can put a pillow down the middle. That's what Bianca and I used to do."

"You were little, and now you've grown tall enough to nail Percy in the balls if you kick." Jason pointed out.

"Fine. Then Jason and I will go together." Percy suggested.

"What, are you crazy? I'd shock you in the night if I had some crazy dream and then you'd probably drown the whole hotel in Viagra Falls!"

"Niagara Falls."

"Whatever. My point is…" Jason wrung his hands through his hair, frustrated. "I just don't want to share a bed, okay?"

"Okay, just calm down." Percy said, trying to keep himself from exploding since Jason was being so childish. "Look, what about the tub? It's big enough to sleep in for sure."

"And have your father let out a jet of water to drown me in the night? Yeah, thanks! Why don't you take the tub?"

"I don't think my father would take kindly to that sick humor. It's like Hera putting Leo in the fireplace."

"But you can go in the tub, can't you?"

"Will both of you shut up?" Nico yelled, stomping his foot. The ground began to shake. Nico cursed beautifully in Italian before the shaking stopped. "I'll sleep in the tub!"

"No way!" The other boys yelled in harmony. Nico sighed and scratched behind his ear.

"Let's just start over… Guys, just forget that I'm gay, alright? I have a boyfriend, so it's not going to be awkward because I have no space to-"

"You've got a boyfriend?" In a flash, the tension in the room fell. Nico sighed.

"Yes, I have a boyfriend-"

"Have you guys kissed yet?"

"You don't even know his name and that's the first thing you ask? Gods, you children of Jupiter-"

"It's that Apollo kid, right?" Percy asked. "That… That Shoe-lace guy."

"Solace. His name is Will Solace."

"And have you kissed him yet?"

"Jason!" Nico's face turned red as he winced. He had been twisting his skull ring so hard that it had caused his skin to bleed. He stammered quietly under his breath as his lips trembled, looking around the room for some kind of non-existent support, anywhere but Percy and Jason, who were watching him closely. "Yeah…" he finally managed, sitting on the bed.

"Where?" Nico almost sighed.

"The… The supply closet… in the archery range…" Percy tried to hold in his laughter.

"The archery… how ironic is that..?" he managed. Nico was turning redder. "Sorry, man, I didn't mean it like-"

"No, it's okay… I guess it is pretty ironic, isn't it?" They sat in silence. "We… we didn't kiss again… until last night…"

"Whoa, right under Chiron's nose?" Jason asked. Nico nodded.

"In that little room behind the ice machine. It's so loud that no one can hear you if you're inside talking to someone, and no one goes near that thing anyway. It's your ideal kidnapping spot, really." He stopped when he saw the wide eyed expressions his cousins were giving him. "Not in that way, come on." Nico sighed, laughing to himself. "It's only been little pecks, I guess. We're still getting used to it… and I'm not really, well, ready, I guess."

"If he tries anything, and I mean anything, come to us, and we'll show him how much water electricity can conduct." Jason said, placing his hand on his shoulder. Nico nodded.

"I thought it was the other way around." Percy began. "I mean, electricity and water. That thing." Jason shrugged.

"I dunno. Nico?"

"I haven't been schooled in ages. I… I kinda forgot how to read a little." Jason began laughing quietly.

"Okay, bed situation. Let's sort this out, then we can teach di Angelo how to read his own name."

"I'm not that stupid, Grace."

"How about we do this?" Percy suggested, going to the desk across the room and grabbing a note pad and paper. He wrote quickly on three pieces of paper before folding them and placing them inside a cup provided by the hotel. "To keep the irony steady, the children of the Big Three will draw lots to see who they'll be spending the night with." He began, shaking the cup in his hands to shuffle the papers. "We can probably rotate, and each of these cards has one of our names written on it. I doubt we're unlucky enough to each draw a different name… I mean, someone has to get theirs, right?"

* * *

There was a knock on the door to Annabeth and Piper's hotel room.

"Coming-" Annabeth had begun to say, but the door opened anyway.

"'Sup, bitches." Aphrodite said, walking in while texting. She flopped down on a chair and crossed her legs under her house coat. "So, Hera made me, like, chaperone of the, like, girls floor, so I, like, came here to give you, like, a new roommate. She just got, like, out of prison, so if she tries anything, you know, like, dirty on you, text me, and then, like, I'll come record it."

"I didn't get out of jail, I got back from jail." Hazel grumbled, stumbling into the room. She flopped face first onto the nearest bed beside Piper, who was holding her head in her hands to hide the embarrassment of being around her mother.

"Gods, Hazel, you look awful." She began, picking chunks of rocks and dirt from her hair. Hazel groaned, the sound muffled by the sheets. "Did you get Leo out?"

"Mmm…"

"Can I get you anything?"

"Phnk…"

"Sweetie, we aren't, like, allowed to bring, like, boys here. Unless they're, like, really, like, really hot." Aphrodite girled, taking a selfie.

"I don't mean to be rude, Lady Aphrodite," Annabeth began.

"Oh, honey, go ahead and, like, bitch all you want." Aphrodite sighed, sliding her phone into her housecoat between her breasts. "I live with Hera. You can't possibly be, like, worse."

"Okay." Annabeth replied. Dear gods, this was awkward. "What are you still doing in our hotel room?"

"Hanging, like, out. I'm, like, bored, and Ares is, like, doing that girl from, like, Room 275-" she held her hand to her mouth and looked at them naughtily. "Oopsie…" she giggled. "So, I, like, need to hang out with, like, people who act their, like, age. Because the rest of the goddesses are, like, total children! I mean, like, Athena? Narcissist. Artemis? Rebellious phase. Hera? Insecurity. Demeter? Obsessions. Hestia? Oh gods, she's just too cute to take her seriously! Persephone? We'll, you've seen her high on that stuff. I guess she could be, like, a teenager for, like, that reason, but, like… no… just no… Hugs not drugs." Aphrodite held out her arms, expectantly. Her phone disappeared between her breasts. No one took her up on the offer. "Oh, come on. Piper, baby, I'm talking to you."

"Mother, I'm not doing drugs!"

"But, weren't you, like sent to a correctional school? They send, like, kids there for, like, doing drugs, right?" Piper rolled her eyes, just like her mother.

"Mom, I was sent there because I stole a car."

"Were you on your period?" Piper looked awkwardly at the other girls for support.

"Umm… not that I can remember… Why?"

"Because goddesses do crazy shit when they're on their periods." Aphrodite said, speaking her first sentence without the use of the word 'like'. "Like, so, it lasts for, like, on average ten days, and depending, like, on how much it hurts, like, you'll do weird things. Hera, like, had sex with Zeus two months, like, ago."

"TMI."

"I mean, come on! She, like, deserves it after, like, putting up with him!" Aphrodite exclaimed. They heard something buzz. Aphrodite giggled. "Sorry, my phone's, like, stuck between my boobs. It tickles! Where, like, was I? Okay, so, Zeus does not, like, put up with Hera. Hera has to, like, put up with Zeus. Do you know the reason we, like, never slept together? Of course not, because, like, you're not subscribed to _Olympus, like, Weekly_ and didn't see, like, my interview in the Chilly Love in Fall, like, Edition. He's so hard to deal with, like, in real life, and when we, like, were in Australia, I tried to do him, like, a thousand times, and he wouldn't, like, have any of this! Can you, like, believe that?! And he was totes turned on, too!" She stuck a little pose that made her housecoat slip from her shoulders.

"Mother, you're showing."

"I don't give, like, a hooting Hephaestus about it! You can see my boobs all you want, Piper!" she said, sitting back in her chair. "But, like, Hera… I feel so bad for her. I mean, let's like talk about it. Hera had, like, five of Zeus' kids-"

"Wait… I thought they only had three." Annabeth said.

"Doesn't surprise me; after the Trojan, like, War, they kept it pretty covered, like, up. Hera had, like, Ares, Eris and Enyo, whoever she is, I don't, like, know, Ares keeps talking about wanting to, like, find her, but anyway, they were, like, triplets, and after the, like, Trojan War, Hera had to get rid of Eris and Enyo so, like, everyone forgot about them." Aphrodite explained. "Zeus is always, like, running around having, like, kids with everyone but, like, Hera, and she's stuck being, like, insecure about it. Is she angry? Like, yeah. Is she jealous? Like, so totes jealous. But that's why I, like, feel sorry for her. Hera, like, hides behind this idea of the queen she, like, has to be. This strong, like, person who lets no one stand in, like, her way. And it totes is, like, an insult to have your own, like, husband show you that a mortal is, like, more valuable to them than a goddess. That's what hurts her; Hera loves Zeus too much."

"What do you mean?" Hazel asked. "About her loving him so much. If anything, you'd think she'd hate him after he's been cheating on her for so long with so many women-"

"Because never once has Hera, like, hurt Zeus." Aphrodite replied. "In any, like, myth you read, it's always, like, the woman he slept with that gets, like, punished. Hera would never hurt him. She couldn't. Love does, like, strange things to you. I would never, like, hurt Ares, and Hephaestus would never, like, hurt me. But it's different with Zeus. To him, like, Hera's just another object; now, you could even call her, like, his problem. Behind all that, like, queenly power, Hera's, like, just a lost little kid. She's insecure. She's lost herself in, like, her image and character, and, like, may not ever find herself again. Not after, like, 3000 years." She sighed and leaned back further in the chair. "That's why I, like, feel bad for her. She's so, like, insecure and lost about herself, but, like, she doesn't think she can go to anyone, or, like, her character won't allow it. It's almost like she's swallowed herself."

"_Who swallowed herself?!"_ Came a muffled voice. Aphrodite peeked down into her housecoat.

"Oh, I emergency, like, dialed!" she giggled, pulling out her phone and holding it to her ear. "Hi, baby. I'm sorry! Yeah. Totes. Yeah, my phone was, like, down my, like, housecoat and my, like, boobs must have, like dialed. Okay. Oh My Me, really? No, like, way! Okay! I'll let you go before, like, the mood is gone. Love you!" Aphrodite hung up and stuck her phone back in its first position. "Sorry, that was Ares."

"Mom, why is Ares your emergency dial contact?" Piper asked.

"Because he's more convenient and gives dirty CPR." Aphrodite explained. The girls blinked at her. "OMM, I just thought of, like, more reasons Hera is, like, so totes in need of, like, therapy."

"I don't think it's wise to talk about the queen of the gods behind her back like this." Annabeth said. "I mean… we're technically gossiping about someone who could hear us and make us all explode, right?" Aphrodite rolled her eyes.

"You and your, like, wisdom. Hera is not, like, going to blow us up. This is, like, girls gossip time. Even she, like, has it. So, you guys know who, like, Hercules is, right?" Everyone nodded. "Okay, so, like, after he was, like, born, his mom, whatever her, like, name was, was scared that Hera would, like, turn her into a snake or something." Aphrodite continued. "She did, like, the logical thing and left him, like, outside by the garbage. But then, like, Athena took him to Olympus and, like, told Hera she found this random baby and decided to, like, keep it. So Hera, like, had to nurse Hercules, but then she, like, figured it out, and that's, like, how he got his strength and she, like, made the Milky Way."

"With… godly… milk?" Annabeth asked. Aphrodite nodded.

"Wait, so goddesses can… lactate whenever they want?" Piper asked.

"Only if you've, like, had a kid." Aphrodite explained. "Because then it would be, like, awkward."

"So goddesses have their periods." Piper recapped. Aphrodite nodded.

"Totes. And it hurts. But, like, the funny thing is, like, we never have any more, like, godly kids, and it, like, still hasn't stopped. My babies, like, pop up everywhere, but I, like, still have the sex for them. I mean, like, how else do you get babies?"

"What do you mean we pop up everywhere?" Piper asked, concerned.

"You, like, pop up around beautiful, like, things. I don't even have to, like, give birth! Like, the most promising ones are, like, in the makeup bags or makeup, like, closet, some are, like, in the bathroom by the mirror, like, some are in my pantie drawer, and there, like, was one who was, like, in my tanning bed!"

"Where was I?"

"The barbecue. Ares almost burnt your face off." Piper sat with her mouth held open at her mother.

"That explains so much…" Hazel managed. Aphrodite scoffed at her, happy someone got it.

"I know, like, right?" she continued. "But, like, I'm not the, like strangest. Athena's babies, like, materialize right there in front of her. I've never, like, seen it happen, but, like, Travis Stoll has. Athena told me that, like, she's never dropped one, but I, like, beg to differ! And, like, Demeter, she grows them in these, like, cornstalks. I know she, like, has some sex, but then, like, maybe she makes, like, seeds or something…" Aphrodite's eyes lit up. "Oh, you know that, like, Triptobizmo guy?"

"Triptolemus..?" Hazel offered.

"Was he the one who turned Nico into corn?" Piper asked. Hazel nodded.

"Yeah, like, that guy!" Aphrodite fangirled. "He and Demeter should, like, totes hook up! I mean, they both like, like, lame farming stuff, so, like, they'd have a great time, like, getting their hands dirty. And not, like, in the farming way." Aphrodite moaned. "OMM, I can't, like, believe I'm making, like, farming innuendos! Oh, Ares, I need you to, like, come get me… You girls, like, tire me out… Oh, I need a beer… or a White, like, Russian…"

* * *

"Do you guys think goddesses have their periods?" Leo shamefully asked, rolling over on his cot since he couldn't fall asleep. In the bed nearest to him, Frank groaned as he rolled over.

"Gods, Valdez, not now… Why would you even ask a question like that?"

"Because I'm bored and just got out of prison! I haven't seen a girl in ages!"

"You saw Hazel and Demeter and Hestia." Will remarked, flicking on the light beside his bed. Frank groaned and rolled over, averting his eyes from the light.

"Yeah, but two of them are technically virgin goddesses and one of them has a boyfriend who could turn into an elephant and kill me." Leo pointed out, siting up so he could see Will. "I say technically because Zeus and Poseidon didn't listen to Demeter. Point being; Goddesses and their hormones. What's up, Doc?" Will bit his lip.

"Look, Leo, I know next to nothing about women's health; I'm only in charge of looking after the boys. Like I would know anything about how a goddess' body works."

"Then let's spend some time acting like teenage boys and make some crazy stuff up!" Leo exclaimed, picking up his pillow and chucking it at Frank. Frank groaned, sat up and launched the pillow back in Leo's direction, who caught it and held it in his lap. "They probably act like that," he began, pointing at Frank, who was burrowing into the sheets of his bed to avoid Leo and the light. "Except it's ten times worse and they start rampaging through Olympus eating their crave food."

"And what would that be?" Will asked.

"Mountains upon mountains of dairy products so they bloat to match their pain. And their self-esteem shoots down during their periods, which last about a month."

"Wouldn't they just go into crazy heat and all want boyfriends?" Will suggested. "They'd all crave someone touching them at all times and then have massive aggressive mood swings and want to be lonely forever." Leo laughed.

"Dude, that would be hilarious with Athena and Artemis. Aphrodite would be practically everyone on every dating site's boyfriend and Hestia would lock herself in a cupboard and knit a house."

"Zeus would lock himself in the closet, then a cage, then a safe and finally wire himself with explosives to hide from Hera-"

"No, I don't think he would mind that."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I mean, this is Zeus we're talking about. He's a ladies man, like me. I understand his struggles to keep his hands off beautiful women."

"Guys, will you please shut up?" Frank snapped, his head peeking out of the sheets. The other boys blinked.

"I can't believe the Canadian just asked us to shut up." Will said.

"Go chill in the tub, Zhang. You're a descendant of Poseidon and Ares loves sleeping in odd places during wars; you'll feel right at home." Frank glared at him before he stood up and dragged his blanket with his over his head into the bathroom, closed the door and locked it with a satisfying click.

"Okay, so, goddesses and their periods." Will said, returning them to the conversation. Leo leapt on Frank's bed excitedly. "They basically go berserk and give away free hugs."

"I heard some weird stuff happened with some Hermes kids and Athena delivering a baby. Was the Apollo Cabin off duty that day?" Will chuckled.

"No. Apparently, they happened to be in the area while Hermes was busy with something else and Athena asked them to deliver a baby she had already birthed… well… they watched her give birth-"

"How does that happen? Do they have belly buttons?" Leo paled. "Oh, man, what if they had belly buttons in the middle of their heads? Or their ears are actually their belly buttons?" Will was silent.

"Let's just leave it at that…" he finally managed. "I don't even know how she makes them. I mean, from what I've heard, neither Athena or Demeter have the usual contact before-"

"So she just thinks about it and they happen?" Leo asked. "It's like the skeleton forms first, or you gradually watch layers of it appear and it's all alive so you can see every little organ moving and blood flowing and she had the blue prints for these things memorized-"

"Valdez, shut the Hades up, I'm gonna be sick!" Will exclaimed, stopping Leo's dramatic explanation of how Athena created life. "Though… Hera must be pretty mad if Athena's able to will pregnancy or children to life like that after what happened with Hephaestus."

"Hey, she probably doesn't even care about it like my dad." Leo pointed out. "I mean, technically they birthed them differently, right? If Athena's just kinda pop up out of nowhere, and Hera was actually pregnant with Hephaestus, aren't the two matters separate? And there wasn't that huge thing about creating without a man because Athena was a woman and Hera logic…"

"I can't believe she just got away with throwing your dad off Olympus and no one noticed." Will furrowed his brow. "No, wait… they might have."

"Why? Don't ladies deflate pretty quickly?" Will shrugged.

"Well… I don't know, but someone might have noticed a change in her physically. Probably… Oh gods… Zeus of all people-"

"Are you talking about her weight or her boobs?" Leo said, shamelessly. Will nearly face palmed. Frank was wise to have left the room when he did. Leo caught on. "I can't believe we're talking about our grandmother's breasts."

"Thank you, Valdez, for now making this conversation twice as awkward."

"My point is, Hera's messed up. I have first-hand experience with that."

"Just go to bed, Leo. You've been dead and in jail for the past few months. Rest up; Doctor's…" Will trailed off, his face turning a little red.

"Doctor's orders?"

"Yeah. Go sleep in a fireplace or something." Will flicked off the light before Leo could reply, turning over and pulling the blankets around him. Leo shrugged and did the same.

The next morning, he woke up in the fireplace when Hestia was nudging him awake, remembering something hazy about being carried into the elevator by an elephant.

* * *

"Good night, Jason, Percy."

"Good night, Nico." Percy shut off the light on the table shared between the two beds and turned on his side.

"I know where you live." Jason whispered into the silence. Percy whacked him with a pillow.

"Don't do that!" he hissed, rolling over as Jason cackled in the bed beside him. It was only shortly after he had begun snoring that Nico saw something light up in the other bed. He sat up and looked over at Percy, who was slowly being electrocuted and wore a very painful look on his face.

"Thalia was right?"

"Thalia was right…"

* * *

**NEXT TIME ON _OLYMPUS GOT TALENT!_ BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO TYPE HERE!**

_**"Come on, Nico! Show me your best dance moves! You're Spanish! Dancing runs in your veins!"**_

_**"Lady Hera, I'm Italian."**_

_**"Oh, Italian, Spanish. Chiron, Charon! Eris, Iris! Same thing!"**_

_**"Lady Hera, none of those are the same."**_


End file.
